An Apres Morris Song Archive - The Morris Ring

Ale, Glorious Ale (trad.) 

1. 

Now when I were a young man my father did say 

Summer`s a coming it’s time to make hay 

Now when hays been carted don’t you ever fail 

To drink gaffer`s health in a pint of good ale. 

Ch. 

Ale, ale, glorious ale 

Served up in pewter it tells it’s own tale 

Some folks likes radishes some curly kale 

But give I boiled parsnips and a gurt dish of taters 

And a lump of fatty bacon and a pint of good ale. 

2. 

Now take those teetotallers they drinks water neat. 

It must rot their gutsies and give ‘em damp feet. 

Now I always say that a man can’t grow stale 

On boiled beef and bacon and a pint of good ale. 

3. 

Our MP’s in Parliament our faith for to keep 

I hope now we’ve put him there he won’t sit and sleep. 

He’ll always get my vote if he never fail 

To bring down the price of our good English Ale. 

All For Me Grog (trad.) 

Ch. All for me grog me jolly, jolly grog 

All for me beer and tobacco 

For I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin 

And across the western oceans I must wander. 

V1. 

Now where are me boots me noggin’ noggin’ boots 

All gone for beer and tobacco 

The heels they are worn out and the soles are 

knocked about 

And the toes are looking out for better weather. 

V2. 

Now where is my shirt me noggin’ noggin’ shirt 


The collar is worn out & the front is knocked about 

And the tail is looking out for better weather. 

V3. 

Now where is me hat me noggin’ noggin’ hat 


The brim is all turned down there’s a hole up in the 

crown 

And me hair is looking out for better weather. 

V4 

I’m sick in me head for I haven’t been to bed 

Since first I came ashore with me plunder 

I see centipedes and snakes and I’m full of pains 

and aches 

So I better make a push out over yonder 

Àlf a Pint of Ale (Gus Elen) 

For breakfast I likes a little bit of toast, 

And àlf a pint of ale. 

And for dinner I likes a little bit of meat, 


Now for tea I likes a little bit o` fish, 


But for supper I likes a crust of bread and cheese, 

And a gallon and a half of ale. 

All Around My Hat (trad.) 

Chorus 

All around my hat, I will wear the green willow, 

And all around my hat, for a twelve-month and a day. 

And if anyone should ask me the reason why I'm wearin' it, 

It's all for my true love who's far, far, away 

Fare thee well cold winter, and fare thee well cold frost. 

For nothing I have gained, but my own true love have lost. 

So sing and I'll be merry, when occasion I do see- 

She's a false deluded lover, let her go, fare well she. 

The other day I brought her a fine golden ring: 

I asked her to marry, but oh what an awful thing. 

I thought that she loved me, 'til she began to laugh 

She showed me the door and threw out my hat. 

Take a quarter pound of reason, and a half pound of sense 

A small sprig of time, and a pinch of prudence, 

Now mix then all together and you and you will plainly see: 

She's a false deluded lover, let her go, fare well she. 

Just for fun: sing 3 lines of chorus then new 4th line 

"It`s my bloody willow and my bloody hat!" or..... 

All around my flat I will wear the green wellies..... (Carrot) 

All For Maggy`s Party (Scot.Lab.Conf 1981 + 4th ed 

tune: Marie`s Wedding) 

Blue rosettes and blue rinsed hair, 

Tory ladies everywhere, 

Arm in arm and debonair, 

All for Maggie's Party. 

Chorus: 

Tory ladies, on we go, 

Where we're going we don't know; 

But we'll make a damn fine show, 


Summer fetes were not in vain, 

Selling knick-knacks in the rain, 

Tupperware is quite the game, 


Help support our new MP, 

Make him scones and Typhoo tea; 

That's the place for you and me - 

Here in Maggie's Party. 

These old dears they still do roam 

In your local nursing home 

Rummaging with fine tooth comb 

All for Maggy`s Party. 

1

All Things Dull and Ugly (lyrics by Eric Idle 

tune: All Things Bright and Beautiful) 

All things dull and ugly, 

All creatures short and squat, 

All things rude and òrrible,, 

The Lord God made the lot. 

Each little snake that poisons, 

Each little wasp that stings, 

He made their brutish venom, 

He made their nasty wings. 

All things sick and cancerous, 

All gross things great and small, 

All things foul and dangerous, 

The Lord God made them all. 

Each viscious little hornet, 

Each beastly little squid-- 

Who made the spikey urchin? 

Who made the sharks? He did! 

All things scabbed and ulcerous, 

All pox both great and small, 

All things foul and gangrenous, 

The Lord God made them all 

Annie Laurie (trad.) 

Maxwelton's braes are bonnie 

Where early fa's the dew 

And 'twas there that Annie Laurie 

Gave me her promise true. 

Gave me her promise true 

Which ne'er forgot will be 

And for bonnie Annie Laurie 

I'd lay me doon and dee. 

Her brow is like the snowdrift 

Her throat is like the swan 

Her face it is the fairest 

That e'er the sun shone on. 

That e'er the sun shone on 

And dark blue is her e'e 



Like dew on th'gowan lying 

Is th' fa' o' her fairy feet 

And like the winds in summer sighing 

Her voice is low and sweet. 

Her voice is low and sweet 

And she's a' the world to me 



Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (Eric Idle) 

Always look on the bright side of life...whistle 

Always look on the bright side of life...whistle 

Some things in life are bad 

They can really make you mad 

Other things just make you swear and curse. 

When you're chewing on life's gristle 

Don't grumble, give a whistle 

And this'll help things turn out for the best... 

And...always look on the bright side of life...whistle 

Always look on the light side of life... whistle 

If life seems jolly rotten 

There's something you've forgotten 

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. 

When you're feeling in the dumps 

Don't be silly chumps 

Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing. 

And...always look on the bright side of life... whistle 

Always look on the light side of life... whistle 

For life is quite absurd 

And death's the final word 

You must always face the curtain with a bow. 

Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin 

Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow. 

So always look on the bright side of death 

Just before you draw your terminal breath 

Life's a piece of s*** 

When you look at it 

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true. 

You'll see it's all a show 

Keep 'em laughing as you go 

Just remember that the last laugh is on you. 

And always look on the bright side of life... 

Always look on the right side of life... 

(Come on guys, cheer up!) 

Always look on the bright side of life... 


(Worse things happen at sea, you know.) 


(I mean - what have you got to lose?) 

(You know, you come from nothing - you're going 

back to nothing. 

What have you lost? Nothing!) 

Always look on the right side of life... 

2

Any Old Iron? (trad. as sung by Harry Champion) 

Just about a week or two ago 

my dear old Uncle Bill, 

He went and kicked the bucket 

and he left me in his will. 

So I went around the road 

to see my Auntie Jane. 

She said, "your Uncle Bill 

has left you a watch and chain." 

So I put it on right across my derby kell. 

The sun was shining on it 

and it made me look a swell. 

I went out, strolling round about. 

A crowd of kiddies followed me 

and they began to shout, 

"Any old iron? Any old iron? 

Any, any, any old iron? 

You look neat. Talk about a treat! 

You look so dapper 

from your napper to your feet. 

Dressed in style, brand-new tile, 

And your father's old green tie on. 

But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old 

watch and chain, old iron, old iron. 

This song was written following a memorable visit to an 

exhibition of granite nude sculptures overlooking Oslo, Norway. 

Gustav Vigeland the artist had expressed his understanding of 

the effects of aging on the body. 

Are They Lonesome Tonight? 

(lyrics ed. tune: Are You Lonesome Tonight) 

Are they lonesome tonight? 

The left and the right? 

Are you sorry they drifted apart? 

Do your mammaries stray 

And get droopier each day 

No more bosom friends 

Close to the heart? 

Does the space in your Playtex 

Seem empty and bare? 

Do you gaze at the contents 

And picture them there? 

If you made a weight gain 

Would they come back again? 

Tell me dear 

Are they lonesome tonight? 

` A-Roving (trad) 

In Amsterdam there lived a maid 

Mark well what I do say! 

In Amsterdam there lived a maid 

And she was mistress of her trade, 

I'll go no more a-rovin' with you fair maid. 

Chorus: A-rovin', a-rovin', since rovin's been my ru-i-in 

I'll go no more a-rovin' with you fair maid. 

I put me hand upon her toe. Mark well... 

Sez she,"Young man, you're rather low" 

I sat this maid upon my knee, Mark well... 

Said she, “Young man you`re rather free." 

waist…/ ....you`re in great haste. 

thigh..../ ...you`re rather high 

breast…/...the wind blows south south west. 

Arrest These Merry Gentlemen (Chris Sugden lyrics, 

tune: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen) 

1. Arrest these merry gentlemen & take them all away. 

Arrest these merry gentlemen it may be Christmas Day. 

But they`re singing and they`re fighting 

And they`re causing an affray. 

ch. So take tidings to Constable Joy 

Constable Joy 

So take tidings to Constable Joy. 

2. It was a silent night before some rough unruly lout. 

Began to pick an argument and loudly he did shout. 

Now I think I see some 

Christmas boxing breaking out. 

3. It is a right old ding dong & they`re merrily on high. 

They`re swinging from the rafters & they`re throwing 

Christmas pie. 

Now I think the vicar has just 

Got one in the eye. 

4. Arrest these gerry mentlemen & take away their beer. 

Arrest these gerry mentlemen they may be full of cheer 

But without the landlord`s daughter 

Well they might be turning queer. 

As Usual (Billy Connoly ad Clive Blunt) 

I ‘woke up with an aching head. As usual 

I Don’t remember going to bed. As usual 

My stomach’s feeling rather queer, 

There’s a thunderstorm in my left ear, 

It must have been the bitter beer. As usual. 

We sucked the booze up like a hoover, As usual 

The cheep wine and the paint remover. As usual 

And somewhere deep inside my brain 

I can hear a diesel train. 

I swear I’ll never drink again. As usual. 

I ‘woke up in a public park. As usual 

I must have crawled there after dark. As usual 

I’d better see how much I’ve got, 

Oh Jesus Christ! I’ve spent the lot. 

I must have been a drunken sot. As usual 

I went out with The Morris Men. As usual 

We danced outside the pub, and then. As usual 

We went inside, we sang, we played, 

Abused the host and his barmaid, the music lovers 

and his local trade, 

His wife, his dog, then I’m afraid, 

We generally misbehaved, 

We fought, we swore, we never paid. 

AS USUAL! 

3

Away Day (lyrics ad.Kipper family by ed/tune:Gaudete) 

Ch. Away day, away day, cheap day returnas 

Non omnibus St. Pancreas, away day. 

Cleopatra virginae, terra incognito 

In loco parentis Caesar; multi Kama Sutra 

Troilus et Cresida, cum homo erectus 

Strangulated hernia, coitus interruptus. 

Cosa Nostradamus est in video nasti 

In dramatis personae, my little poni. 

Romulus et Remus in flagrente delecte 

Honi soi qui mal y pense, Harry Belefonte 

Gina Lolabrigida, osteo arthrytus 

In vino veritas, Peter Dominicus. 

Bovine Botulosis et insanus mad cowum 

Fruitum salad loopio locked up sanatorium. 

Crumpetus ad nausea shaggus in excessus 

Chipalato droopio Pamela Bordelus. 

Figaro in opera, minus a soprano 

Allegro castrati, Dame Placido Domingo. 

Non compus mentis, continuo ad nauseum 

Ad lib etcetera, quad erat demonstrandum. 

Ball Of Yarn (trad) 

One sunny morn in May as I was on my way 

To visit my Grandfather’s farm 

I spies a pretty maid a resting in the shade 

She was winding up her little ball of yarn 

Oh the Blackbird and the Thrush 

They sing out from every bush 

Keep your hand on your little ball of yarn 

A pretty girl was May as she lay there in the hay 

The scene it was so quiet and so calm 

I dropped down where she lay and unto her did say 

Let me wind up your little ball of yarn 

No! no! kind sir says she, you’re a stranger unto me 

To other girls you may possess some charm 

You’d better go away and come back another day 

To wind up my little ball of yarn 

I kissed that pretty maid just underneath the shade 

Intending to do to her no harm 

‘Cos the Blackbird and the Thrush, they sing out from 

every bush 

To remind her of her little ball of yarn 

Ten weary months has passed ‘ere I saw that maid at last 

And I met her with a baby on her arm 

But she didn’t know ‘twas me ‘till I told her it was me 

Who had wound up her little ball of yarn 

Away With Rum (trad) 

We're coming, we're coming, our brave little band 

On the right side of temperance we do take our 

stand 

We don't use tobacco, because we do think 

The people who use it are likely to drink 

Ch. Away, away with rum by gum, 

with rum by gum, with rum by gum 

Away, away with rum by gum, 

the song of the temperance union 

We never eat fruit cake because it has rum 

And one little taste turns a man to a bum 

Oh, can you imagine a sorrier sight 

Than a man eating fruit cake until he gets tight 

Oh we don't eat trifle 'cos trifle has sherry 

and one bit of trifle will make a man merry; 

oh can you imagine the day comes to pass 

they start serving trifle in a seven ounce glass 

We never eat cookies because they have yeast 

And one little bite turns a man to a beast 

Oh, can you imagine a sadder disgrace 

Than a man in the gutter with crumbs on his face 

If you wash your hair, never rinse it with beer 

Because if you do, you'll get foam in your ear 

And if there's one thing a young man must dread 

It's dating a girl with a head on her head 

We never eat peaches, because peaches ferment 

And peaches ferment at the least little dent 

Oh can you imagine a sorrier sight 

Than a man drunk on peaches he thought were 

alright 

We don't allow massage, stiff muscles to cure, 

Those alcohol rubs turn a man to a boor, 

Oh can you imagine the terrible fate, 

Of a man being massaged 'til he can't stand up 

straight! 

We never chew toothpicks because we recall 

That wood ferments into wood alcohol 

Oh can you imagine a sorrier sight 

Than a man chewing toothpicks until he gets tight 

Oh! We never send clothes to be dry cleaned or 

pressed, 

'Cos ether and alcohol are used in the quest. 

There's nothing so sorry or sad I suppose, 

Than a man getting drunk from the smell of his 

clothes 

We never drink water, they put it in gin 

One little sip and a man starts to grin 

Oh can you imagine the horrible sight 

Of a man drinking water and singing all night 

4

The Ballad of Bethnall Green (Paddy Roberts) 

I'll tell a tale of a jealous male and a maid of sweet 

sixteen 

She was blond and dumb and she lived with her 

Mum 

On the edge of Bethnal Green 

She worked all week for a rich old Greek 

Her old man was on the dole 

And her one delight on a Friday night 

Was to have a bit of rock and roll. 

Chorus: To my rit-fal-lal, 

to my titty-fal-lal 

To my itty-bitty-fal-dal day. (x2) 

Then one fine day in the Month of May she found 

her big romance 

He was smart and sleek, with a scar on his cheek 

And a pair of drainpipe pants 

And she thought ‘with you, I could be so true, 

Through all the years to come’ 

For she loved the gay abandoned way 

He chewed his chewing-gum. 

It started well because he fell for all her girlish 

charms 

But he had some doubt when he caught her out 

In someone else’s arms 

And he said, “Look here, you know my dear, 

This is going a bit too far 

And he went quite white and he sloshed her right 

In the middle of her cha-cha-cha. 

So he went before a man of the law who said, “This 

will not do 

I’ve had about enough of this kind of stuff 

As I want from the likes of you.” 

And she was peeved when he received 

A longish term in clink 

In a fit of pique she married the Greek 

And now she lives in mink. 

Bampton Songs (trad.) 

Highland Mary: 

Around sweet Highland Mary's grave, 

We'll plant the fairest of Lillies, 

The primrose sweet, and violet blue, 

likewise the daffodillies; 

But since this world's been grown so wide, 

In some lonesome place we'll tarry, 

Welcome then gather me to sleep, 

With my Highland Mary. 

Constant Billy 

Oh, my Billy, my constant Billy, 

When shall I see my Billy again? 

When the fishes fly over the ocean, 

Then shall you see your Billy again. 

Ballad of the Woggler`s Moulie (Kenneth Williams, 

tune: Clementine) 

Joe he was a young cordwangler, 

Monging greebles he did go. 

For he loved a bogler’s daughter, 

By the name of Chiswick Flo. 

Vain she was and like a grusset, 

Though her ganderparts were fine. 

But she sneered at his cordwangle, 

As it hung upon the line. 

So he stole a woggler’s moulie, 

For to make a wedding ring. 

But the Bow Street runners caught him, 

And the judge said-“he will swing”. 

So they hung him by the postern, 

Nailed his moulie to the fence. 

For to warn all young cordwanglers, 

That it was a grave offence. 

There’s a moral to this story, 

Though your cordwangle be poor, 

Keep your hands off others moulies, 

For it is against the law….Ohhhhh! 

Maid Of The Mill 

There's fifty fair maidens, that sports on the green, 

I gar'd on them, well as you see, 

But the Maid of the Mill, the Maid of the Mill, 

The Maid of the Mill for me. 

She is straight and tall as a poplar tree, 

Her cheeks are red as rose, 

She is one of the fairest young girls I see, 

When she's dressed in her Sunday clothes. 

The Maid of the Mill, the Maid of the Mill, 

The Maid of the Mill for me. 

Bonny Green Garters 

First for the stockings, and then for the shoes, 

And then for the bonny green garters, 

A pair for me, and a pair for you, 

And a pair for them that comes after. 

5

The Bane of the County Down 

(WJ Bethancourt, parody of Star of the County Down) 

Near Banbridge town in the County Down 

One morning last July 

Down a boreen green came a keen Colleen 

And she smiled as she passed me by. 

She looked so sweet from her two left feet 

And her neat little pretty crossed eyes 

With a wart on her nose and a run in her hose 

She was scaring the passers-by! 

ch. From Bantry Bay down to Derry Quay 

From Galway to Dublin town. 

No maid I met could scare me yet 

Like the girl from the County Down! 

She`d one yellow eye and a look so sly 

And a nose like the rose in bloom 

And you winced at each note from her wattled throat 

As she murdered an Irish tune. 

At the pattern dance you were in a trance 

As she fell to the floor in a jig 

And out by the wall you couldn`t tell 

This girl from the farmer`s pig 

Such a scarey sow she`d abort a cow 

And she curdled the milk in a jar. 

And it was sure death for to smell her breath 

For it melted the high road`s tar. 

The flowers died and the babies cried 

And the green grass all turned brown 

The dogs all howled and the cats they yowled 

At the girl from the County Down. 

Bandy Bertha (Fred Douglas) 

A poet loves the springtime and the bumblebee the hive 

A worm just likes to turn around to see if he’s alive 

But I’ve a girl that I like who will keep me all my life 

I’ve asked if she’d marry me and if she’d be my wife. 

Ch. 

I met her WHO? Bandy Bertha WHEN? 

In the merry month of May 

I teased her WHEN? When I freezed her 

In the duckpond Christmas Day 

I hugged her WHY? Cos I loved her 

And I know she’s mine alright 

And I kissed her WHERE? On her birthday 

In Ma’s cowshed last night. 

When I first met ‘er down the lane I knew I were in clover 

She looked just like a girt big stew her dumplings boiling over. 

I said why don’t you cover them up you’ll surely catch your death 

She said the way you’re chasing I I can’t even catch my breath. 

Her neck is shapely as a swans’ I won’t say it’s as white. 

Her teeth are like the twinkling stars, they all come out at night. 

Her face is not good looking but it also isn’t plain. 

It’s like a blotting pad that’s been out all night in the rain. 

When the tourist season comes along the police they stand her out… 

In the middle of the crossroads as a traffic roundabout 

And in the springtime she’s busy out in the fields all day… 

With a three prong fork stuck up behind to scare the birds away.BA 

Banks of the Ohio (trad.) 

I asked my love to take a walk, 

To take a walk, just a little walk. 

Down besides where the waters flow, 

Down by the banks of the Ohio. 

Ch. And only say that you’ll be mine 

In no other hearts entwine 

Down beside where the waters flow 

Down by the banks of the Ohio. 

I held a knife against his breast 

As into my arms he pressed. 

He cried “my love, don’t murder me. 

I’m not prepared for eternity.” 

I wandered home tween twelve and one I cried, 

“My God what have I done? 

I’ve killed the only man I love. 

He would not take me for his bride.” 

6

Bantam Cock (Jake Thackery) 

It was a grand upstanding bantam cock 

So brisk and stiff and spry 

With a springy step and a jaunty plume 

And a purposeful look in his eye 

In his little black blinking eye he had. 

I took him to the coup and introduced him 

To my 17 wide-eyed hens 

He toups and he toups as a hero toups 

And he bowed from the waist to them all 

And then he upped & he took them all again he did. 

And then upon a piece of me ducks and geese 

He rudely did intrude 

With glazed eyes and open mouths 

They bore it all with fortitude 

And a little bit of gratitude they did. 

He jumped my giggling guinea fowl 

And forced his intentions upon 

My 20 hysterical turkeys 

And a visiting migrant swan 

But the bantam thundered on he did. 

He ravished my fan-tail pigeons 

And my little white columbines 

And while I was locking up the budgerigar 

He rogered my parrot from behind 

She was sitting on me shoulder at the time, she was 

Then all of a sudden with a gasp and a gulp 

He clapped his hands to his head 

Fell flat on his back with his toes in the air 

My bantam cock lay dead 

And the vultures circled overhead they did. 

What a champion brute what a noble cock 

What a way to live and to die 

I was digging him a grave to save his bones 

From the hungry buzzards in the sky 

When the bantam opened a sly little eye 

He gave me a grin and a terrible wink 

The way that rapists do 

He said “you see them big daft buggers 

Up there, they’ll be down in a minute or two 

They’ll be down in a minute or two”. 

Battle of New Orleans (trad.) 

In 1814 we took a little trip, 

Along with Colonel Packing 

on the mighty Mississip. 

We took a little bacon and we took a little beans 

And we fought the blooming British 

Near the town of New Orleans. 

Ch. Well we fired our guns 

And the British kept a coming 

and there wasn’t nigh as many 

As there was a while ago. 

We fired once more and they began a running 

All down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico. 

The Bar It Smelt Malodorous 

(tune: The Larks They Sang Melodious) 

As I went a-walking one evening last week 

I popped into my local, a pint for to seek 

But the pub had been taken over, by a brewery far 

away 

And they'd changed the old Evening Star 

- to The Dawning Of The Day 

(And they'd changed the old Evening Star) 

- to The Dawning Of The Day 

I ploughed through the new carpet 

to the stainless steel bar 

I stood by the potted palm 

as I ordered a jar 

Now the barmaid she was topless, 

and so was the beer 

And the price it had gone up me boys, 

it was now twice as dear 

The jukebox and the pinball 

were one side of the room 

And the one arm-ed bandit, 

it played a merry tune 

While the brass plated plastic fire 

was switched off at the main 

And the bar stool I was sitting on, 

it was simulated cane 

The back room was a restaurant 

serving Indian and Bolognese 

While the curry and the Parmesan, 

set up a permanent haze 

With extractors in the kitchen 

tried to take the smoke away 

But the bar it smelled malodorous 

at The Dawning Of The Day 

Over in the corner 

where the dartboard had been 

Was a bright pink, self-selection, 

three flavour condom machine 

And where once the hand pumps had stood, 

now only lager was strewn 

And if never I return again, 

it will be too bloody soon! 

(And if ever I return again.) 

it will be too bloody soon! 

We looked down the river 

and we saw the British come 

There must have been a hundred of them 

Beating on the drum. 

They stepped so high 

And they made their bugles ring, 

While we stood beside our cotton bales 

And never sayed a thing. 

Packing up said we could take ‘em by surprise, 

if we didn’t fire our muskets 

Till we looked ‘em in the eyes. 

We stood quite still 

Till we saw their faces well 

And we opened up our muskets 

And we really gave ‘em hell. 

7

The Beggar`s Song (trad. ar. Alcock) 

Oh, I'd rather be a beggar as a king, 

And I'll tell you the reason why. 

For a king can't swagger nor drink like a beggar, 

Nor be half so merry as I. 

Let the back and the sides go bare me boys, 

Let the foot and the hand go cold. 

But give to the belly, boys, beer enough 

Whether it be new or old. 

For I love no roast but a nut-brown toast, 

And a crab laid on the fire. 

A little bread shall do me no stead; 

Much bread I do not desire. 

And Tyb me wife, well as her life 

Loveth well good ale to seek. 

Full oft drinks she till you may see 

The tears run down her cheeks. 

Then she does trowl me to the bowl 

Even as a malt worm should. 

And sayeth, sweetheart, I took my part 

Of this jolly good ale and old. 

Now let them drink till they nod and wink, 

Even as good fellows should do. 

They shall not miss to have the bliss 

Good ale doth bring men to. 

Yes, I'd rather be a beggar as a king, 

And I'll tell you the reason why. 

For a king cannot swagger nor drink like a beggar, 

Nor be half so merry as I. 

Benbow/Brave Benbow/Admiral Benbow 

(Lesley Nelson-Burns) 

Come all you seamen bold 

and draw near, and draw near, 

Come all you seamen bold and draw near. 

It's of an admiral's fame, 

O brave Benbow was his name, 

How he fought all on the main, 

you shall hear, you shall hear. 

Brave Benbow he set sail 

For to fight, for to fight 

Brave Benbow he set sail for to fight. 

Brave Benbow he set sail 

with a fine and pleasant gale 

But his captains they turn'd tail 

in a fright, in a fright. 

Says Kirby unto Wade: 

We will run, we will run 

Says Kirby unto Wade, we will run. 

For I value no disgrace, 

nor the losing of my place, 

But the enemy I won't face, 

nor his guns, nor his guns. 

Bell on the Green (parody of Fiddlers Green) 

As I walked by the brewery one evening so rare 

To view the still vats and to sniff the malt air, 

I heard an old Morris man singing this song 

"Oh bury me here boys, me galleys have gone." 

ch: Wrap me up in me bells and me baldricks. 

No more in the pubs I'll be seen, 

Just tell me old sidemates I'm takin' a slide, mates 

And I'll see you someday at the Bell on the Green. 

Now, "The Bell on the Green" is a pub I've heard tell, 

Where Morris men go if they don't go to hell. 

Where the beer is all pretty and the girls are all free 

And they'll take you to Heaven, and won't ask a fee. 

Where the sun always shines when you dance 

Shepherd's Hey 

And you don't need a squire to show you the way. 

And the foreman is there --- Oh! his smile is so 

sweet 

And the perfumes of Araby rise from his feet. 

Where the drink WATNEYS BEER is a sign that is 

banned, 

And the Fool never buggers a dance that is planned, 

And the bagman is there, buying drinks by the score 

And everyone says "Good! We'll have twenty more" 

Now me time has been good, boys. I've had a good 

part. 

And from your kind company I'll happily depart 

These words slowly dripped from his lips and his 

jaw 

As he sank down contented in the booze on the 

floor. 

The Ruby and Benbow 

fought the French, fought the french 

The Ruby and Benbow fought the French. 

They fought them up and down, 

till the blood came trickling down, 

Till the blood came trickling down 

where they lay, where they lay. 

Brave Benbow lost his legs 

by chain shot, by chain shot 

Brave Benbow lost his legs by chain shot. 

Brave Benbow lost his legs, 

And all on his stumps he begs, 

Fight on my English lads, 

'Tis our lot, 'tis our lot. 

The surgeon dress'd his wounds, 

Cries Benbow, cries Benbow 

The surgeon dress'd his wounds, cries Benbow. 

Let a cradle now in haste, 

on the quarterdeck be placed 

That the enemy I may face 

'Til I die, 'Til I die. 

8

The Berkshire Song (trad. as sung by Bob Hart) 

As I came home on a Monday a little afore me time 

There outside the garden gate a bicycle I spied. 

Whose bike be this? Whose bike be that? 

Whoever bain or be. Me wife said that`s a milk 

machine that I have bought for thee. 

Well `tis many a mile I travelled, a 100 mile or more 

But I never did see a milk machine with 

handlebars before. 

As I come home on a Tuesday a little afore me time 

There across the cabbage patch were footprints 

what weren`t mine. 

Whose feet done this? Whose feet done that? 

Whoever bain or be. Me wife said that`s a farrowing 

sow what ran away from me. 

Well `tis many a mile I travelled a 100 mile or more 

But I never did see no farrowing sow with sole and 

heels before. 

As I came home on a Wednesday a little afore me time 

There in the stable stood a nag and I knew this mag 

twern`t mine. 

Who`s nag be this? Whose nag be that? 

Whoever bain or be. Me wife says it`s a milking cow 

she had bought for me. 

Well `tis many a ile I`ve travelled a 100 mile or more 

But I never did see a milking cow with a harness on before. 

As I came home on Thursday a little afore my time 

There in the hallway were some and I knew those 

boots weren`t mine. 

Whose boots be these? Whose boots be them? 

Whoever bain or be. Me wife said they were carpet 

slippers that she had bought for me. 

Well it`s many a mile I travelled a 100 mile or more 

But I never did see some carpet slippers with 

hobnails on before. 

As I came home on a Friday a little afore me time 

There in the hall a brand hat I knew that hat werent 

mine 

Whose hat be this? Whose hat be that? 

Whoever bain or be. Me wife says it`s a chamber pot 

that she`d put out for me. 

Well its many a mile I`ve travelled a 100 mile or more 

But a chamber pot with a curly brim I`ve never see before. 

As I came home on a Saturday a little afore me time 

There in the bed was a brand new face and I knew 

this face twern`t mine. 

Whose face be this? Whose face be that? Whosever 

bain and be. Mee wife said “tis a new born babe that 

I had had from thee. 

Well many`s the mile I travelled. a 1000 mile or more 

But I never did see no new born babe with whiskers 

on before. 

As I came home on a Sunday a little afore me time 

I ran out to the garden shed for to get that gun of mine 

I rushed indoors straight up the stairs and I caught 

them in a grasp 

And I stuck the gun between the sheets and it went 

straight up his shirt 

Well many`s the mile I travelled. a 100 mile or more 

But I never did see two buggers run as fast as that before. 

Bird In a Guilded Cage 

(Arthur J. Lamb and Harry Von Tilzer) 

The ballroom was filled with fashion's throng, 

It shone with a thousand lights; 

And there was a woman who passed along, 

The fairest of all the sights. 

A girl to her lover then softly sighed, 

"There's riches at her command." 

"But she married for wealth, not for love," he cried! 

"Though she lives in a mansion grand." 

cho: "She's only a bird in a gilded cage, 

A beautiful sight to see. 

You may think she's happy and free from care, 

She's not, though she seems to be. 

'Tis sad when you think of her wasted life 

For youth cannot mate with age; 

And her beauty was sold for an old man's gold, 

She's a bird in a gilded cage." 

I stood in a churchyard just at eve, 

When sunset adorned the west; 

And looked at the people who'd come to grieve 

For loved ones now laid at rcst. 

A tall marble monument marked the grave 

Of one who'd been fashion's queen; 

And I thought, "She is happier here at rest, 

Than to have people say when seen: " 

Blaydon Races (trad.) 

I went to Blaydon Races, twas on the ninth of June, 

Eighteen hundred and sixty two 

on a summer's afternoon. 

I took the bus to Balmdraes and she was heavy laden. 

Away we went up Collingwood Street, 

That's on the way to Blaydon 

ch. And it's O my lads you should a' seen us gannin', 

Passin' the folks along the road, 

just as they were stannin'. 

There was lots o' lads and lasses there all wi' smilin' faces, 

Gannin' along the Scotswood Road 

to see the Blaydon Races. 

We flew past Armstrong's factory 

and up by the 'Robin Adair'. 

Just gannin' down by the railway bridge, the bus wheel it 

fell off there. 

The lasses lost thier crinolines 

and the veils that hide their faces. 

I got two black eyes and a broken nose, 

gannin' to the Blaydon Races. 

When we got the wheel put on, away we went again. 

But them that had their noses broke 

they went back over home, 

Some went to the dispensary 

and some to Doctor Gibbs's 

And some to the Infirmary 

to mend thier broken ribses. 

Now when they got to Paradise, 

there was bonny game begun. 

There was four and twenty on the bus, 

man, how they danced and sung. 

They called on me to sing a song, 

I sung them 'Paddy Fagan". 

I danced a jig and I swung me twig, 

the day I went to Blaydon 

9

Black Velvet Band (trad.) 

1. Twas in the town of Tralee, apprentice to trade I was bound 

With plenty of bright amusement to see, the days of my youth go around 

Misfortune and trouble came over me, which caused me to stray from the land 

Far away from my friends and relations, to follow the Black Velvet Band 

Ch: Her eyes they shone like diamonds, you`d think she was queen of the land 

With her hair thrown over her shoulders, tied up with the Black velvet band. 

2. As I went walking down broadway, not intending to stay very long, 

I met with a frolicksome damsel as she came a tripping along. 

A watch she pulled out of her pocket and slipped it ripht into my hand, 

On the very first day that I met her: bad luck to the Black Velvet Band. CHORUS 

3. Before the judge and the jury the both of us had to appear, 

And a gentleman swore to the jewellery - the case against us was clear. 

For seven years transportation right unto Van Dieman's Land, 

Far away from my friends and relations to follow her Black Velvet Band. CHORUS 

4. Oh,, all you brave young Irish lads, a warning take by me, 

Beware of the pretty young damsels that are roamin' in Tralee. 

They'll treat you to whiskey and porter until you're unable to stand, 

And before you have time for to leave them, you are unto Van Dieman's Land. CHORU 

The Boarding House Song 

( inc. The Vet verses 5-7-mostly Fred Wedlock) 

1) The train was standing at the station when a young 

man full of care, running madly to get on it, tripped fell 

headlong down the stair. A dear old lady rushed up to 

him “Did you miss a step my son?”Looking up he said, 

“No lady, I hit every bloody one.” 

2) Girls can never change their nature, `tis a thing 

beyond their reach. If a girl is born a lemon she can 

never be a peach. But the law of compensation does this 

lesson to us teach: You can always squeeze a lemon, 

ever tried to squeeze a peach? 

3) At the boarding house where I stayed everything was 

growing old…..Silver hairs among the butter and the 

bread was green with mould. When the dog died we had 

sausages when the cat died catnip tea. When the 

landlord died I left there spare ribs were too much for me. 

4) Tell me Mr Tram Conductor said the lady old and frail. 

Will the electric current kill me if I stand upon this rail. I 

assure you that it will nothe cheeky tram conductor said. 

Unless you raise the other leg and put it on that 

powerline overhead! 

Vet 

Once there lived a vet in Hendred he was England’s 

finest vet. Crossed a parrot with a tiger won some very 

heavy bet. Tenderly he nursed the offspring for it was his 

pride and joy. Till one day it bit his hand off shouting, “ 

Who’s a pretty boy?” 

So he went to get a transplant from a very famous Doc 

Said the surgeon I’m afraid I’ve only female hands in 

stock. Carry on the vet said bravely ah but now he 

suffers so. Every time he has a widdle his new hand will 

not let go. 

So he went back to the surgeon saying, “This will never 

do. My new hand just keeps on gripping when I’ve been 

to the loo. “Throw away your life size dolly” quipped the 

eminent old chap. “You can have your oats twice 

daily….now a hand job is on tap!” 

Blow the Man Down (trad) 

As I was a-walkin' down Paradise Street 

To me way, hay, blow the man down! 

A flash looking packet I chanced for to meet 

Oh, gi' me some time to blow the man down! 

Blow the man down, bullies, blow the man down 

To me way, hay, blow the man down! 

Blow him right back to Liverpool town 

Oh, gi' me some time to blow the man down! 

She was bowlin' along with the wind blowin' free 

She clewed up her courses an' waited for me 

She was round in the counter and bluff in the bow 

So I hold in all sailing, cryin', well enough now 

Where she did hail from I really can't tell 

But I gave her my flipper, we're both bound for hell 

Come all you young sailors, take warning by me 

Never take a young Liverpool gal on your knee 

10

The Boar`s Head (trad.) 

The boar’s head in hand bear I, 

Bedecked with bays and rosemary, 

And I pray you, my masters, be merry, 

Ravellers in convivio 

Chorus: 

Caput apri defero, 

Reddens laudes Domino. 

The boar’s head, as I understand, 

Is the rarest dish in all the land, 

When thus bedecked with a gay garland, 

Let us sevire cantico 

Our steward hath provided this 

In honor of the King of bliss, 

Which on this day to be served is, 

In Reginensi atrio 

Quot. . . “so many as are in the feast” 

Caput. . . “The boar’s head I bring, giving praises to 

God” 

Servire. . . “Let us serve with a song” 

In Reginensi. . . “In the Queen’s Hall” 

Bodhran Song (Les Barker, tune: Hole in My Bucket) 

I have a bodhran dear Liza dear Liza, I have a 

bodhran dear Liza a bodhran 

(frown) Oh that`s nice dear Henry 

What shall I do with it dear Liza etc 

(pause) You play it dear Henry etc 

But how shall I play it dear Liza 

(growing more impatient) You hit it dear Henry etc 

With what shall I hit it dear Liza etc 

(irate) With a penknife dear Henry etc 

There`s a hole in my bodhran etc 

Bold Riley (trad.) 

Oh the rain it rains all day long, 

Bold Riley-o, Bold Riley, 

And the northern wind, it blows so strong, 

Bold Riley-o has gone away. 

Goodbye my sweetheart, 

goodbye my dear-o 


Goodbye my darlin', 

goodbye my dear-o, 


Well come on, Mary, don't look glum, 


Come White-stocking Day you'll be drinkin' rum 


CHORUS 

We're outward bound for the Bengal Bay, 


Get bending, me lads, 

it's a hell-of-a-way, 

Bold Riley-o has gone away 

The Bold Grenadier / Grenadier & the Lady (trad.) 

As I was a walking one morning in May 

I spied a young couple a makin' of hay. 

O one was a fair maid and her beauty shone clear 

And the other was a soldier, a bold grenadier. 

Good morning, good morning, good morning said he 

O where are you going my pretty lady? 

I'm a going a walking to the clear crystal spring. 

To see cool waters glide and hear nightingales sing. 

From out of his knapsack he took a fine fiddle 

And he played her such a merry tune with lilt, rhyme and riddle 

He played her such a merry tune that the trees they did ring 

"Hark hark cried the lady, hear the nightingale sing." 

O soldier, o soldier, will you marry me 

O no said the soldier, that never can be 

For I have a wife at home in my own country 

And she is the sweetest thing you ever did see. 

Now I'm off to India for seven long years 

Drinking wine and strong whiskey instead of cold beers 

And if ever I return again, it will be in the spring 

To see cool waters glide and hear nightingales sing. 

(other version to tune "Dorset is Beautiful") 

As I was a-walking o One morning in May, 

I met a young couple a – making their way. 

One was a pretty maid and her beauty shone clear 

And the other was a soldier and a bold Grenadier 

And they kissed so sweet and comforting 

As they clung to each other 

They went arm in arm along the road 

Like a sister and brother. 

They went arm in arm along the road 

Till they came to a stream, 

Then they sat down together, love 

To hear the nightingale sing. 

With many fine compliments 

He put his arm round her middle, 

And out of his knapsack he drew forth a fiddle. 

He played her such a merry tune that the valleys did ring. 

Hark ye, hark ye, said the fair maid, 

How the nightingales sing. 

Oh now, said the soldier, 'Tis time to give o'er. 

Oh no, said the pretty maid just play one thing more. 

For I do like your fiddle and the touch of your string, 

Hark ye, hark ye, said the fair maid, 

How the nightingales sing. 

Oh now, cried the fair maid, 

Won't you marry me? 

Oh no, cried the soldier, that can never be 

For I have a wife at home in my own country 

And she is the sweetest thing 

That I ever did see. 

Now I'm off to India 

For seven long years, 

Drinking wine and strong whisky instead of strong beers. 

And if ever I return again it will be in the spring 

And we'll both sit down together, love, 

To hear the nightingales sing. 

11

Bold Sir John (Ronnie Barker) 

Bold Sir John was young and fair and Bold Sir John 

was gay 

He said I’ll tread the morning dew to take the air and 

listen to… the twittering of the birds all day , 

the bumblebees at play 

The twit , the twit, the twit, the twitThe twittering of 

the birds all day. 

The bum, the bum, the bum, the bum 

The bumblebees at play. 

Bold Sir John went on his way observing natives 

farce 

Dear Mother Earth oh tell me pray why elephants 

live so long they say 

Your flies live but a day, then they drop dead upon 

the grass. 

Your flies, your flies, your flies, your flies 

Your flies live but a day then they 

Drop dead, drop dead, drop dead, drop dead 

Drop dead upon the grass. 

Now Bold Sir John he met a maid as on her back 

she lay 

Please show respect and come not near for I’ve 

seen many a maiden here get lost among the new 

mown hay, 

So doff your hat I pray! 

Get lost, get lost, get lost, get lost 

Get lost among the new mown hay 

So doff, so doff, so doff, so doff 

So doff your hat I pray! 

When Bold Sir John returned home they gave him 

gin to try 

Nay fill me up with liquor not, nor give me grain or 

grape to sup 

Pour cowslips dew into my cup a Puritan am I… 

Pour cow, pour cow, pour cow, pour cow 

Pour cowslips dew into my cup 

A pur, a pur, a pur, a pur 

Up you, up you, up you, up you, a Puritan am I. 

Boomerang! (Les Barker. ad. ed. tune: Jingle Bells) 

Boomerang, boomerang I throw this thing away 

This is what I try to do every single day. X2 

1) I`ve had this bent old stick 

Since I don`t know wnhe 

Tried to throw the thing away 

But it just comes back again 

It really gets me down I know I should not let it 

But the thing that drives me crazy is 

HOW DID FIRST GET IT? 

2) One day while out the front 

I chucked it ran indoors 

Then I heard this voice that hollered 

IS THIS BOOMERANG YOURS? 

I threw it for my dog we used to call him Jack 

But every time we threw it up 

It brought the dog straight back 

Boozing (trad.) 

Now is the lot of a poor single man? 

Boozing, bloody well boozing! 

And what is he doing whenever he can? 


You may think I’m wrong and you may think I’m 

right, 

I’m not going to argue, I know you can fight, 

But what do you think we are doing tonight? 


ch: Boozing, boozing, just you and I 

Boozing, boozing, when we are dry. 

Some do it openly, some on the sly 

But we all are bloody well boozing. 

And what does the Salvation Army run down? 


And what are they banning in every town? 


The stand on street corners, they holler and shout, 

They shout about things they know naff all about. 

But what are they doing when its time for lights out? 


And what are the joys of a poor married man? 


What is he doing whenever he can? 


He comes home at night and he gives his wife all 

He goes out a-shopping, makes many a call 

But what brings him home hanging on to a wall? 


3) Once I saw a shop with a boomerang on display 

Tried to tell the shopkeeper I`d brought it yesterday 

You can exchange this stick, 

You shouldn`t get the sack 

He said this thing is different 

For they`ll always be this come back. 

4) At last it flipped my head 

i strapped some semtex to 

The middle of the boomerang 

Without thinking things through. 

Ok what happened next I really should have known, 

The blessed boomerang survived 

But not our lovely home. 

5) So this Christmas time think ahead please do 

If you think a boomerang is just the thing for you. 

I always have this phrase and so does my dear wife 

`t`s just like when you have a pet 

A BOOMERANGS FOR LIFE! 

12

Bournemouth (...as sung by The Yetties) 

1. Now I was born and raised in the town of 

Bournemouth 

In between the county and the sea 

Where bath chairs rumble slowly down the High St 

And little old ladies come out for their tea 

There’s an aspidistra atmosphere surrounds you 

And it makes a fella kinda warm inside 

But there’s a lonely heart that’s beating down in 

Bournemouth 

And some day I’m gonna take her for my bride. 

Ch. 

So, take me back to Bournemouth where I belong, 

Take me back to Bournemouth I’m singing a country 

song 

Quit rambling ‘round, I’m Bournemouth bound. 

2. Now I wish to God that I had stayed in 

Bournemouth 

But I had to quench a fire in my soul 

And I met this gambling man, he came from 

Sherbourne and I took him to the hotel Metropole. 

Now from the start the cards were stashed against 

me 

And I didn’t know the harm he did intend 

So I took my stick of Bournemouth rock and 

slugged him 

And that gambling man came to a sticky end. 

3. Now I’ve done my time in jail and I’m heading 

homewards 

Back to the little ole Bournemouth promenade 

Gonna find myself a villa called Done Roamin 

Gonna hang my stick of rock up in the yard. 

Gonna grow a sweet magnolia on the patio 

And then I’ll settle down with Cindy Lou 

And I’ll join the Young Conservatives in 

Bournemouth 

And that’s the only time that I’ll feel blue. 

Bread and Fishes (Alan Bell) 

As I went a walkin’ one mornin’ in spring 

I met with some 

travellers in an old country lane 

One was an old man, the second a maid, 

And the third was a young boy who smiled as he 

said 

Chorus: 

With the wind in the willows, 

And the birds in the sky, 

We’ve a bright sun to warm us, 

Where ever we lie. 

We have bread and fishes and a jug of red wine 

To share on our journey with all of mankind. 

Brian Beru (trad.) 

1. I was up to my backside in mud Sir, 

At the peat contract down in the bog, 

When me shovel struck something hard Sir, 

Twas a stick or a stone or a log. 

2. Twas a chest of the finest bog oak Sir, 

And I wondered just what it might hide, 

So I chanced my luck with the fairies, 

And took just a wee peep inside. 

3. Now I know that you’ll never believe me, 

Though I swear to you that it`s true 

Twas an ancient old Irish French letter, 

A relic of Brian Beru. 

4. Yes, an ancient old Irish French letter, 

Made of the finest elk hide, 

With a wee little golden tag at the end Sir, 

With his name and his stud fee inscribed. 

5. So I cast my mind back through the ages, 

To the time of that hairy old Celt, 

With his wife lying there on the bed sir, 

And him striding round in his pelt. 

6. And I thought I heard her whisper, 

As he stood in the fir`s rosy glow glow 

“You`ve had your own way for too long sir, 

Tis the hairy side outside tonight.” 

2. I sat down beside them the flowers all around 

And we ate on a mantle spread out on the ground 

They told me of prophets and princes and kings 

And they spoke of the one god who knows 

everything 

3. I asked them to tell me their name and their race 

So I might remember their kindness and grace. 

My name is Joseph, this is Mary my wife 

And this is our young son, our pride and delight 

We travel the whole world, by land and by sea 

To tell all the people how they might be free 

4. Sadly, I left them, in an old country lane 

For I knew that I never would see them again 

One was an old man, the second a maid 

And the third was a young boy who smiled as he 

said 

13

Bring Me Sunshine (Sylvia Dee) 

Bring me Sunshine, in your smile, 

Bring me Laughter, all the while, 

In this world where we live, there should be more 

happiness, 

So much joy you can give, to each brand new bright 

tomorrow, 

Make me happy, through the years, 

Never bring me, any tears, 

Let your arms be as warm as the sun from up above 

Bring me fun, bring me sunshine, bring me love. 

Bring me Sunshine, in your eyes, 

Bring me rainbows, from the skies, 

Life's too short to be spent having anything but fun, 

We can be so content, if we gather little sunbeams, 

Be light-hearted, all day long, 

Keep me singing, happy songs, 

Let your arms be as warm as the sun from up above 

Bring me fun, bring me sunshine, bring me love. 

ed: Let`s lower the tone, things are too nice here... 

Bring me shingles, bring me piles 

Bring me tapeworm, miles and miles.... 

Brisk Young Tailor (trad) 

It’s of a brisk young tailor a story I’ll relate 

He lived at an Inn called the Ram and the Gate 

The Ram and the Gate was the place where he did 

dwell 

And wine and women’s company he loves exceeding well. 

Oh well, oh well, oh well me boys oh well 

And wine and women’s company he loves exceeding 

well 

Now this tailor he’d been drinking a glass or two of wine 

And not being used to drinking why it caused his 

face to shine 

It caused his face to shine just like the rising sun 

And he swore he’d have a bonny lass before the night 

was done 

So he sat her on his knee and he called her his sweet 

honey 

And as they were talking she was fingering of his money 

She was fingering of his money when the tailor 

smiled and said 

If you lend me your petticoats I’ll dance like a maid 

The tailor pulled his breeches off and the petticoats put on 

The tailor danced a dance while the lass she sang a song 

The tailor danced a dance and played a pretty tune 

And she danced the tailors breeches right out of the 

room 

Oh has ever a poor tailor been as done as I’ve been 

done 

My watch and my money and breeches are all gone 

Oh how can I go home like this they’ garden flower 

And if ever I get my breeches back I’ll never dance no more 

Bring Us a Barrel (Keith Marsden) 

1. No man that`s a drinker drinks Ale from a pin 

Because there’s too little stuff within. 

Four and a half is each measure in full, 

Too small for our sup; not enough for us all, 

chorus: 

So bring us a barrel, and set it up right, 

Bring us a barrel to last out the night, 

Bring us a barrel, no matter how high, 

We’ll drink it up lads, we’ll drink it dry. 

2. That poor little firkin, nine gallons in all, 

Though the ale, it is good, the measure`s too small 

For lads that are drinkers, like you and like I, 

That firkin small barrel will quickly run dry. 

3. So roll out your hogshead and roll out the butt, 

There are the measures before us to put, 

The jug will pass round and good ale, it will flow, 

And we’ll be content for an hour or so. 

4. And when I am dying and on my death bed, 

By my bedside leave a fine full hogshead, 

And if down below I must go when I die, 

Then me and Old Nick, we can both drink it dry, 

Bring Us a Teapot (ad by ed, tune: Bring Us a Barrel) 

1. No man that`s a drinker drinks tea that ain`t hot 

Cos you don`t get the flavour inside your teapot 

A steaming hot liquid you need for a brew 

For to bring full contentment for me and for you. 

Chorus: 

So bring us a teapot and set it upright 

Bring us a teapot to last us the night 

Bring us a teapot no matter how hot 

We`ll drink it up boys we`ll drink the lot 

2. So come ye bold heroes and list` to my song 

I`ve sung in the praise of hot tea for so longThere`s 

nice little teashops over England do roll 

Bring me the milk ladle and the grand sugar bowl. 

3. For we`re still upstanding when we down our pot 

And we don`t much fall over when we drink a lot. 

But tea`s more diuretic than ale it is true 

And we spend half our time in the gentlemen`s loo. 

4. A thing happened last week to sour my mood 

They gave me some iced tea which wasn`t quite 

brewed 

And charged a huge fortune I could ill afford 

Which froze all my assets and had to be thawed. 

5. When I`m on my deathbed there`s one thing to do 

Lay by my side a hot, full flavoured brew 

And if down below I must go when I die 

Me and Old Nick we will both drink it dry! 

14

Britannia Waives the Rules (Vic Gammon) 

1. Now Charles the 2nd had eleven bastard children 

George the Third went mad 

And Edward the Seventh, they thought was Jack the 

Ripper 

But, Richard the Third weren’t as bad 

As people thought he was 

Victoria, laid back and thought of England 

Charles the First lost his head 

Well the best thing about those Kings and Queens 

of England, 

Is that most of them are dead.... Now the chorus.... 

Singing, Rule Britannia, Britannia waives the rules 

Kings, Queens, Jacks and Knaves and Tyrants 

Cheats and Fools 

2. Now, William the Third was a Protestant and 

Dutchman 

James the First was a Scot 

& George the First spoke nothing else but German 

What a mixed up, interbred lot ! 

& William the First, was a grasping Norman bastard 

I me, It’s no lie 

Well, there hasn’t been an English King of England 

Since, Harold got one in the eye. 

3. Now, She was a well heeled blue blood Cinderella 

Him, Prince Charming with big ears 

But, He had a thing going with the ugly sister 

So, it ended all in tears 

So, arise now you ghosts of old Oliver Cromwell 

Brave Harrison and Tom Paine 

Would you rid our land of this monstrous carbuncle 

And bring sunshine after the reign....!!! 

British Grenadier Ditties 

British Man O’ War (trad.) 

There was a Scottish Lander at the Battle of Waterloo 

The wind blew up his petticoat and showed his half past two 

His half past two was dirty he showed it to the Queen 

She gave him three h`fpence to go and wash it clean 

Some die of drinking water& some of drinking beer, 

Some die of constipation and some of diarrhoea 

But of all the world’s diseases there’s none that can compare 

With the drip drip drip of a syphilitic xxxxx 

Of a British Grenadier 

When he goes forth in battle his weapon in his hand 

The lasses fall like cattle there’s none can make a stand. 

But when the campaign’s over it’s then he feels so queer, 

With the drip, drip, drip of the syphilitic xxxxx 

Of a British Grenadier 

...and Max Miller`s famous gem... 

I like the girls who do, I like the girls who don’t: 

I like the girls who say they will and then decide they won’t. 

But the girls I like the most of all I know you’ll think I’m right, 

Are girls that say they never will but look as though they might! 

One day as I was walking, t’was down by Newlands Quay 

I over heard a sailor bold to his young lady say 

“O Susan lovely Susan, I soon must leave the shore 

And cross the briny ocean in a British Man O’War. 

Young Susan fell a weeping and this to him did say, 

“ How can you be so venturesome to throw your life away 

For as soon as I am twenty one I shall receive my store 

Pretty sailor do not venture on your British Man O’War. 

“O Susan lovely Susan the truth to you I’ll tell. 

The British flag insulted is, old England knows it well 

While I may wear my laurels now I’ll fight like any tar 

And I’ll join the wars of China in my British Man O’War.” 

Young Henry took his handkerchief and tore it clean in two 

He said, One half you shall keep for me and the same I’ll do for you 

When the bullets they surround me and the cannons loudly roar 

I’ll fight for fame and Susan on my British Man O’War.” 

“O Susan lovely Susan the time do quickly pass 

Let’s go down to the Ferry House and take a parting glass 

My shipmates they are waiting there to row me from the shore 

O it is old England’s glory on a British Man O’War.” 

A few more words were spoken then and her love let go her hand 

So merrily those sailor boys they rowed away from land 

Young Henry waived his handkerchief when far away from shore 

Pretty Susan blessed the sailors on the British Man O’War 

15

Buttercup Joe (trad.) 

1. Well I be a pure bred country chap 

Me father comes from Wareham. 

Me mother she’s got some more like I 

And Ma knows ‘ow to rear ‘um. 

Some folks calls I Bacon Face and others Turnip ead `But I can 

prove I bain’t no fool ‘though I be country bred. 

Ch. For I can plough and milk a cow, I can reap and mow, I be 

fresh as a daisy that grows in a field 

And they calls I Buttercup Joe. 

2. Those Noddy swells they laugh and chat 

To see I eat fat bacon. 

They couldn’t touch that country stuff 

But that’swhere they’re mistaken. 

On wine and grog they do their airs & Lord it at their ease. 

But give I fat pork from the sty 

Or a lump of bread and cheese. 

3. Oh they goes prime in zummer time 

When we goes out haymaking. 

The lassies they will all hang out 

And freedom will be taken. 

They likes to get us country chaps 

Of course in harmless play. 

They like to get us country chaps & roll us in t` hay. 

4. Now you should see my pretty maid. 

They calls her Our Mary. 

Her works as busy as a bumble bee 

in Farmer Jones’ dairy 

And don’t she make those dumplins nice. 

By jove I mean to try ‘em 

& ask ‘er if she like to splice 

With a rustic chap like I am 

Candlelight Fisherman (trad.) 

O my dad was a fisherman bold 

And he lived till he grew old 

For he opens the pane and he pops out the flame. 

Just to see how the wind do blow. 

And often he say to me. 

You'd be wise before you go 

Do you open the pane and pop out the flame. 


When the north wind roughly blow 

Then I lay right snug below 

But I open the pane and pop out the flame. 


When the wind come out of the east. 

You'll be looking for sleet and snow. 

But I open the pane and pops out the flame. 


When the wind back into the west. 

That'll come a rough in at best, 

But I open the pane and pops out the flame. 


Byker Hill (trad.) 

1. If I had another penny I would have another gill, 

I would make the piper play 

the bonny lass of Byker Hill 

Ch. Byker Hill and Walker Shore Collier lads for ever 

more (2x) 

2. The pitman and the keelman trim 

They drink bumble made from gin. 

Then to dance they do begin 

To the tune of Elsie Marley 

3. When first I went down to the dirt 

I had no cowl nor no pitshirt. 

Now I’ve gotten two or three 

Walker Pit’s done well by me 

4. Geordie Charlton, he had a pig, 

He hit it with a shovel and it danced a jig. 

All the way to Walker Shore 

To the tune of Elsie Marley 

Biker Bill (parody Sid Kipper of Byker Hill) 

1. If I had enough of Penny 

I would go and call on Gillian, 

Take her for a motor ride 

A bonnie lass on my pillion. 

Ch. Biker Bill and Walter Shaw Jollier lads you 

never saw (X2) 

2. When first I went down to the pits 

My bike was all in little bits 

Then along came Walter Shaw 

He`s the one that tunes my Harley Dave 

3. If I had another gill 

Then Penny wouldn`t ride with me. 

She hates it when I drink and drive 

She loves a man who is TT. 

4. Walter was worth his weight in gold 

That`s more than two hundred pounds 

Did a skid without a lid 

Now he`s only half a crown. 

5. Walter Shaw he had a pig 

He hit it with a shovel and it danced a jig 

Now he has been put away 

By the man from the RSPCA 

When the south wind softly blow, 

It's then I love to go 

And I open the pane and pop out the flame. 


And my poor wife say to me. 

We shall starve if you don't go 

So I open the pane and I pops out the flame. 


Ah, now all you fishermen bold, 

If you'd live till you grow old, 

Do you open the pane and pop out the flame 


16

Chandlers Wife (x=knock, tune: Lincolnshire Poacher) 

As I went into the chandlers shop 

Some candles for to buy 

I looked around the chandlers shop 

but no one did I spy 

So I got disappointed and some angry words I said 

When I heard the sound of a xxx 

Right above me èad x2 

Well I was slick and very quick 

And up the stairs I sped 

And I was most surprised to find 

The chandlers wife in bed 

& with her was another man of quite enormous size 

And he was giving her xxx 

Right before me eyes x2 

Now when the fun was o’er and done 

The lady raised her head 

And she was most surprised to find 

me standing by her bed 

If you will be discreet says she If you will be so kind 

You can come up for some xxx 

Whenever you’ve got the time x2 

So many’s the day and many’s the night 

When the chandler isn’t home. 

To buy meself some candles 

To the chandlers shop I’d roam. 

But ne’er a one she’d give to me…. 

She’d give to me instead 

Just a little bit more of the xxx 

To light me way to bed x2 

Now all you jovial gentlemen 

If you should be in town 

And if you would be good me boys 

Be sure to tie her down 

And if you would be bad me boys 

Just lay her on the floor 

And give her so much of the xxx 

She`ll never want no more x2 

Can’t You Dance the Polka? (trad.) 

As I walked down the Broadway 

One evening in July 

I met a girl she asked my trade A sailor John says I. 

Ch. Then away you santee my dear Annie 

Oh you New York gals, can’t you dance the polka. 

To Tiffanys I took her 

I did not mind expense 

I bought her two gold earrings 

They cost me twenty pence 

Says she you Limey sailor 

Now see me home you may. 

But when we reached her cottage door 

She unto me did say 

My flashmans he’s a Yankee 

With his hair cut short behin 

He wears a tarry jumper 

And he sails the Black Ball Line. 

The Card Song /Here`s To You Tom Brown (trad.) 

Ah the king will take the queen 

but the queen will take the knave 

Well since we're all together boys 

more liquor shall we have. 

Here's to you Tom Brown 

Here's to you with all me heart 

At least we'll have another glass 

Before we have to part 

Here's to you Tom Brown 

Well the queen will take the knave 

but the knave will take the ten 


we'll deal them out again. 

Well the knave will take the ten 

but the ten will take the nine 


and having a jovial time. 

Well the ten will take the nine 

but the nine will take the eight 


let's make this a regular date. 

Well the nine will take the eight 

but the eight will take the seven 

Well here we are together boys 

and it sure feels like heaven. 

Well the eight will take the seven 

but the seven will take the six 

Well here we are together boys 

and up to our old tricks. 

Well the seven will take the six 

but the six will take the five 

We'll never stop our drinking boys 

as long as we're alive. 

Well the six will take the five 

but the five will take the four 

As long as we are drinking boys 

we'll never pass the door. 

Well the five will take the four 

but the four will take the trey 


until the break of day. 

Well the four will take the trey 

but the trey will take the deuce 


while we are on the loose. 

Well the three will take the deuce 

but the ace will take them all 

And since we're here together boys 

let's not go home at all. 

The ace will take them all 

the ace will take the king 

And now we're all together, boys 

we've just begun to sing. 

17

Chastity Belt (Jeffrey Smith) 

1. Oh come gentle maiden let me be your lover 

Condemn me no longer to mourn and to weep 

Struck down like a hart all wounded and bleeding 

Lower your drawbridge I’ll enter your keep. 

Ch. (part of last line of each verse in italics) 

Enter Your keep, noddy noddyx2 

Lower your drawbridge I`ll enter your keep; 

2. Alas noble errant to do this I’m unable 

I’m married to Sir Oswald that cunning old Celt 

He’s gone to the wars for six months or longer 

And taken the key to my chastity belt. 

3. Fear not gentle maiden for I know a locksmit 

Together we’ll go, on his door we will knock 

And there we’ll avail of his specialised knowledge 

And see if he’s able to unpick your lock. 

4. Alas and alack to help you I’m unable 

My specialised knowledge is of no avail 

I’m quite unable to undo your combination 

The cunning old basket has fitted a yale. 

5. Then back from the wars with sad tale of disaster 

A terrible story to you I’ll confide 

While we were approaching the Straits of Gibralter 

I carelessly dropped the key over the side. 

7. Alas and alack then I’m locked up forever 

Then up spoke a page boy said 

“Leave it to me! 

If you will permit me to enter your chamber 

I’ll open it up with my duplicate key. 

Christopher and Alice /They’re Changing Guard at 

Buckingham Palace 

Inside the yard at Buckingham Palace, 

Christopher Robin went down on Alice. 

”Dear little Christopher knows his stuff, 

At ‘Trying the Beard’ and ‘Noshing the Muff.’” 

Says Alice 

Little boy sits at the foot of the stairs 

Clutched in his hands are some little white hairs 

"Oh dear fancy that Christopher Robin`s castrated 

the cat," Said Alice. 

Little boy kneels at the foot of the bed 

Fingers caressing his little fair head 

"Oh no it couldn`t be worse Christopher Robin is 

xxxxxxxx his nurse," Said Alice. 

Christopher sits on the lavatory pan 

Slowly caressing his little old man 

"Flip flop in the tank, Christopher Robin is having a 

xxxx", said Alice 

Chicken On a Raft (trad. Cyril Tawney) 

Skipper in the wardroom drinkin' gin, 

Hey yo, chicken on a raft! 

I don't mind knockin', but I ain't goin' in! 


The jimmy's laughin' like it'd rain, 


He's lookin' at me comic cuts again! 


cho: Chicken on a raft on a Monday morning, 

Oh, what a terrible sight to see, 

Dabtoes forward and the dustmen aft, 

Sittin' there a'pickin' at a chicken on a raft! 

Hi, ho, chicken on a raft! 

Hey, ho, chicken on a raft! 

Hi, ho, chicken on a raft! 

Hey, ho, chicken on a raft! 

Gave me the middle and the forenoon too, 

Now I'm pullin' on a whalin' crew. 

Seagulls wheelin' overhead, 

I oughter be home in me featherbed! 

I had a little girl in Donny-B, 

And did she make a fool of me. 

Her heart was like a pusser's shower, 

Run hot to cold in a quarter of an hour! 

We kissed goodbye on a midnight bus, 

She didn't cry and she didn't fuss, 

Am I that one she loves the best, 

Or just a cuckoo in another man's nest? 

An amazon girl lived in Dumfries, 

Only had her kids in two's and three's, 

She's got a sister in Maryhill, 

Says she won't but I think she will! 

Chim Chimenee (Old Hat Band ad. by ed.) 

Went down the local for a whisky last night, 

The barman says “Quasi, is Teachers alright?” 

“Teachers is fine and I know that it sells 

but when it’s for Quasi it’s got to be Bells.” 

Ch. Chim Chimenee, Chim Chimenee, Chim, Chim, 

Cheroo, 

I am the man who will clean out your flue. 

Chim Chimenee, Chim Chimenee, Chim, Chim, 

Cheree 

I’ll get the hump if you don’t sing with me. 

My wife went to Church the vicar to tell, 

This Sunday morning there won’t be no bell 

She said to the vicar “ Don’t give Quasi the sack. 

He can’t come today ‘cos he’s got a bad back”. 

A Chinese meal last night I thought I would face, 

When I found that the wok was not in it’s place 

We’re not having Chinese my wife did assert, 

The wok comes in useful for ironing your shirt. 

Quasi died from a blow when the bell hit his head, 

He plunged to his death as he fell just like lead 

Onlookers asked, “Who was he can you tell?”, 

someone said “ No but his face rings a bell”. 

18

Cigarettes and Whusky and Wild Wild Women 

(Tim Spencer) 

ch: Cigarettes, whiskey and wild wild women 

They’ll drive you crazy, they’ll drive you insane; 

Cigarettes, whiskey and wild wild women 

They’ll drive you crazy, they’ll drive you insane. 

V1. Once I was happy and had a good wife 

I had enough money to last me for life 

Then I met with a gal and we went on a spree 

She taught me smokin’ and drinkin’ whiskee 

V2. Cigarettes are a blight on the whole human race 

A man is a monkey with one in his face; 

Take warning dear friend, take warning dear brother 

A fire’s on one end, a fools on the t’other. 

V3. And now good people, I’m broken with age 

The lines on my face make a well written page 

I’m weavin’ this story – how sadly but true 

On women and whiskey and what they can do 

V4. Write on the cross at the head of my grave 

For women and whiskey here lies a poor slave. 

Take warnin’ poor stranger, take warnin’ dear friend 

In wide clear letters this tale of my end. 

Clementine (trad.) 

In a cavern in a canyon excavating for a mine 

Dwelt a miner 49’er and his daughter 

Clementine. 

Ch. (Oh my darling) x3 Clementine though 

art lost and gone forever, dreadful sorry 

Clementine. 

Light she was and like a fairy and her shoes 

were No.9 Herring boxes without topses, 

sandals were for Clementine 

Drove she ducklings to the water every morning 

just at 9, hit her foot against a splinter fell into 

the foaming brine. 

Ruby lips above the water blowing bubbles 

mighty fine, but alas I was no swimmer so I lost 

my Clementine. 

In a corner of the churchyard where the myrtle 

boughs entwine, There grow roses in their 

posies fertilised by Clementine. 

In my dreams she still does haunt me robed in 

garments soaked in brine, Though in life I used 

to hug her, now she’s dead I draw the line 

How I missed her, how I missed her, how I 

missed her but I kissed her little sister and 

forgot my Clementine. 

Cockadoodledo 

1. Ladies and Gentlemen I’ll tell to you this song, 

when I went to market I will not keep you long 

I met this fella selling birds he had such a rare old 

stock 

I handed him a half a crown he handed back this.. 

Ch. Cockadoodledoo it’s nothing to do with you 

Me cocks me own so leave it alone my 

cockadoodledoo. 

2. Well I put me cock under me coat and off I went 

again, I gave me cock a poke and it began to croak 

This lady passing by she gave me such a shock 

She slapped one arm around me waist the other 

round me... 

3. Well I put me cock in a pen along with a rare old 

hen, O what a hell of a do, o what a hell of a do 

Well I came back up the garden path to separate the 

flock 

I tried me best to pull them apart but she kept on 

pecking me.... 

4. Well me cock got into a fight it only went in one A 

policeman who was passing by said “come with me 

my son 

You know it’s an offence” they stood me in the dock 

The Judge said “What’s your name?” I said “are you 

talking to me or my .” 

5. Well he gave me seven years to Dartmoor I did 

go, And then they found a great big rock, well I was 

rather slow 

So they put me in charge of the prison farm they put 

me under lock 

But I fooled them all when I sneaked out right under 

the govner`s .... 

6. Well it’s time for me to go I can no longer stay, 

but before I go there’s something I must know 

Well I cannot hang around I should be in by twelve 

o’clock 

But are there any young ladies here who’d like to 

see me... 

Cockles and Muscles (trad) 

1. In Dublin’s fair city where the girls are so pretty 

I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone 

As she wheeled her wheelbarrow 

Crying cockles and mussels. Alive, alive oh. 

Ch. Alive, alive oh x2 

Singing cockles And muscles, Alive alive O 

2. She was a fishmonger and that was no wonder 

For so were her mother and father before 

For she wheeled her wheelbarrow 


3. She died of a fever And no one could save her 

And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone 

Now her ghost wheels her wheelbarrow, 

Crying cockles and mussels 

19

Cockles and Muscles (based on Alan Sherman`s lyrics) 

She wheels her wheelbarrow 

Through streets broad and narrow 

Her barrow is narrow her hips are too wide 

So wherever she wheels it 

The neighbourhood feels it. 

Her girdle keeps scraping 

The homes on each side. 

In Dublin’s Fair City where the girls are so pretty 

My Molly stands out `cause she weighs 18 stone 

I don’t mind her fat butt she is not only that but 

She’s cross eyed and muscle bound Molly Malone. 

Combine Harvester (Wurzels) 

I drove my tractor through your haystack last night 

(ooh aah ooh aah) 

I threw me pitchfork at your dog to keep quiet 

(ooh aah ooh aah) 

Now something's telling me 

That you'm avoiding me 

Come on now darling you've got something I need 

Cuz I got a brand new combine harvester 

An' I'll give you the key 

Come on now let's get together 

In perfect harmony 

I got twenty acres 

An' you got forty-three 

Now I got a brand new combine harvester 


She made I laugh ha ha 

I'll stick by you, I'll give you all that you need 

We'll 'ave twins and triplets 

I'm a man built for speed 

And you know I'll love you darlin' 

So give me your hand 

But what I want the most 

Is all they acres of land 

For seven long years I've been alone in this place 

Eat, sleep, in the kitchen, it's a proper disgrace 

Now if I cleaned it up would you change your mind 

I'll give up drinking scrumpy and that lager and lime 

Weren't we a grand couple at that last wurzel dance 

I wore brand new gaters and me cordouroy pants 

In your new Sunday dress with your perfume 

smelling grand 

We had our photos took and us holding hands 

Now I got a brand new combine harvester 


Now that we'me both past our fifties 

I think that you and me 

Should stop this galavanting and will you marry me 

Coz I got a brand new combine harvester 


Aahh yu're a fine looking woman and I can't wait to 

get me 'ands on your land 

Cosher Bailey (trad) 

Cosher Bailey had an engine 

It was always wanting mending, 

And according to the power, 

She could do four miles an hour 

ch.:Did you ever see, did you ever see 

Did you ever see such a funny thing before? 

On the night run up from Gower 

She did twenty mile an hour 

As she whistled through the station 

Man, she frightened half the nation. 

Cosher bought her second-hand 

And he painted her so grand 

When the driver went to oil her 

Man, she nearly burst her boiler. 

Cosher Bailey's sister Lena 

She was living up in Blaina 

She could knit and darn our stockings 

But her cooking it was shocking. 

Cosher Bailey's brother Rupert 

He played stand-off-half for Newport, 

When they played against Llanelly 

Someone kicked him in the belly. 

Cosher Bailey had a daughter 

Who did things she didn't oughter 

She was quite beyond the pale 

But over that we'll draw a veil. 

Cosher Bailey went to Exford 

For to pass matriculation 

But he saw a pretty barmaid 

And he never left the station. 

Oh the sight it was heart-rending 

Cosher drove his little engine 

And he got stuck in the tunnel 

And went up the bloomin' funnel. 

Yes, Cosher Bailey he did die 

And they put him in a coffin 

But, alas, they heard a knocking 

Cosher Bailey, only joking. 

Well, the Devil wouldn't have him 

But he gave him sticks and matches 

For to set up on his own 

On the top of Barford Hatches. 

Well he had an Aunty Kitty 

And she only had one titty 

It was long and straight and pointed 

And the nipple double jointed. 

There was a man called Cotton 

Had a spot upon his bottom 

Applied some Vascederma 

But the pimple stood out firmer. 

I’ve got a cousin Daniel 

And he’s got a cocker spaniel 

If you tickled ‘im in the middle 

He would lift his leg and piddle. 

20

Costa del Wantage (ad. From Yetties Costa del Dorset) 

1. Everyone’s off to Espania, off to the sun and the sea, 

I wonder why they all go there, all fiesta no siesta, 

Can’t understand what they’re saying, all this ole and si si, 

I like it where they talk homely , Costa del Wantage for me. 

Ch. ( I tiddle, iddle I, liddle, iddle I, Quack, Quack, Quack) x3, 

Costa del Wantage for me. 

2. I went to a typical café for some of their real English tea, 

It came with a girt glass of lemon, tastes like gnats wee and got flies on, 

They gave me a girt big paella, rice pud and bubble and squeak, 

I brought a load home for me rhubarb and it grew seven feet in a week. 

3. I met a dark eyed senorita, who danced the flamenco with me, 

She laughed when my castanets tangled and I mangled her fandangle, 

I asked her to meet me by moonlight along by the old harbour wall, 

She came with her mother, her sister and brother and Uncle Tom Cobbly and all. 

4. We went to a typical bullfight, but they’d lost their toreador, 

And the matador he had been laid off and the picador had a bad cough, 

They got me to fight the old Taurus, in me sheep smock they said I’d no style, 

And when I let fly with me pitch fork the damn thing it missed by a mile. 

Country Life / New Mown Hay (DÀrcy Broderick) 

Ch. I like to rise when the sun she rises, 

Early in the morning. 

And I like to hear them small birds singing, 

Merrily upon their layland 

And hurrah for the life of a country boy, 

And to ramble in the new mown hay. 

In summer when the summer is hot 

We sing, we dance, and we drink a lot 

We spend all night in sport and play 

And go rambling in the new mown hay. 

In Autumn when the oak trees turn 

We gather all the wood that’s fit to burn 

We cut and stash and stow away 

And go rambling in the new mown hay. 

In Winter when the sky’s grey 

We hedge and ditch are times away 

But in Summer when the sun shines gay 

We go ramblin’ through the new mowed hay. 

In Spring we sow at the harvest mow 

And that is how the seasons round they go 

But of all the times choose I may 

I’d be rambling through the new mowed hay. 

Oh Nancy is my darling gay 

And she blooms like the flowers every day 

But I love her best in the month of Ma 

When we’re rambling through the new mown hay. 

Cricket Match (Kipper Family) 

As I was walking out one day, the season just 

beginning, I met a maid all dressed in white, apracticing 

her spinning. 

Young Sir, she cried, are you the sort to only stand 

and watch. I have both bat and ball says I, then let 

us have a match. 

I won the toss and put her in, I soon got in the 

groove, And as the wicket was quite damp, the ball 

began to move. 

I bowled to her balls fast and slow, we were both 

cricket lovers And when I once began to tire, she 

stroked me through the covers. 

I pitched it right up in the crease and then around 

her head. Forward and backward, both she played, 

come one, was all she said, 

And then come two, I ran her out, her innings was 

all through, She said let's change positions now, 

and I will bowl to you. 

Her action really was so smooth, though it was quite 

chest on, And when she got the ball to turn, I knew 

I'd not last long. 

So I began to have a thrash, my score did quickly 

mount. She flicked my bails and cried, How's that, 

but I was not quite out. 

But now this girl increased her pace, I couldn't deal 

with that. She thundered in, before I knew, my 

middle stump was flat. 

Well that had been a first class match and now we 

knew the score The game was up, our passion 

spent, all ending in a draw. 

Now as you sportsmen will all know, opponents are 

a mixture. Such a good match is bound to become a 

regular favourite fixture And so we play, home and 

away, and afterwards share a tub, And one day 

soon, I feel quite sure, I'll get her in the club. 

21

Cuckoo’s Nest (traditional) 

As I was a walking one morning in May 

I met a pretty fair maid and unto her did say 

I'll tell you me mind, it's for love I am inclined 

An me inclination lies in your cuckoo's nest 

ch. Some like a girl who is pretty in the face 

and some like a girl who is slender in the waist 

But give me a girl who will wriggle and will twist 

At the bottom of the belly lies the cuckoo's nest 

Me darling, says she, I am innocent and young 

And I scarcely can believe your false deluding tongue 

Yet I see it in your eyes and it fills me with surprise 

That your inclination lies in me cuckoo's nest 

Me darling, says me, if you can see it in me eyes 

Then think of it as fondness and do not be surprised 

For I love you me dear and I'll marry you I swear 

If you'll let me clap my hand on your cuckoo's nest 

Me darling, says she, I can do no such thing 

For me mother often told me it was committing sin 

Me maidenhead to lose and me sex to be abused 

So have no more to do with me cuckoo's nest 

Me darling, says me, it's not committing sin 

But common sense should tell you it is a pleasing thing 

For you were brought into this world to increase 

and do your best 

And to help a man to heaven in your cuckoo's nest 

Me darling, says she, I cannot you deny 

For you've surely won my heart by the rolling of your eye 

Yet I see it in your eyes that your courage is surprised 

So gently lift your hand into me cuckoo's nest 

This couple they got married and soon they went to bed 

And now this pretty fair maid has lost her 

maidenhead 

In a small country cottage they increase and do their best 

And he often claps his hand on her cuckoo's nest 

Dandy Vernon/Never Say No To a Jar (Michael Snow) 

I'll tell you a tale of a sailor bold 

His name was Dandy Vernon 

He worked as a steward on the old Cunard, 

And money he was earnin' 

He knew his way round every port, 

He wandered near and far, 

And he took his stand as a drinking man and 

Never said said no to a jar boys Never said no to a jar 

Take your stand as a drinking man 

Never say no to a jar (x2) 

In Amsterdam or Yucatan, New York or Zanzibar 

Take your stand as a drinkin man & never say no to a jar. 

Now Dandy likes the sailors life, it agrees with his ambition 

For to see the world and meet the girls was Dandy's given mission 

He's stolen hearts in every port, he's known in every bar 

And he took his stand etc. 

There comes a time in most mens lives when they get tired of roamin' 

And the roaring fire is their desire, and the glass of ale a foamin' 

But then you have you dandies who need the ooh lala 

And take their stand etc 

Daisy Bell or a Bicycle Made for Two 

(Written and Composed by Harry Dacre) 

There is a flower within my heart Daisy, Daisy 

Planted one day by a glancing dart 

Planted by Daisy Bell 

Whether she loves me or loves me not 

Sometimes it's hard to tell 

Yet I am longing to share the lot 

Of beautiful Daisy Bell 

Daisy, Daisy give me your answer do 

I'm half crazy, all for the love of you 

It won't be a stylish marriage 

I can't afford a carriage 

But you'll look sweet on the seat 

Of a bicycle built for two 

Henry, Henry here is your answer true 

You must be crazy if you think I will marry you 

If you can’t afford a carriage 

There won’t be any marriage 

I’ll not get hitched to a tight old git 

On a bicycle made for two. 

Daisy,Daisy the coppers are after you, 

If they catch you,you know what they will do. 

They'll tie you up with wire 

Inside a Black Maria 

So ring your bell and pedal like hell 

On a bicycle made for two! 

Dancing At Whitsun (John Austin Martin-lyrics) 

Yetties version) 

It`s fifty long springtimes since she was a bride 

But still you may see her at each Whitsuntide 

In a dress of white linen with ribbons of green, 

As green as her memories of loving. 

The feet that were nimble tread carefully now, 

As gentle a measure as age will allow, 

Through groves of white blossoms, by fields of 

young corn, 

Where once she was pledged to her true-love. 

The fields they stand empty, the hedges grow free 

No young men to turn them or pastures to seed 

They are gone where the forest of oak trees before 

Have gone, to be wasted in battle. 

Down from the green farmlands and from their loved 

ones 

Marched husbands & brothers & fathers and sons. 

There's a fine roll of honor where the Maypole once 

stood, 

And the ladies go dancing at Whitsun. 

There's a straight row of houses in these latter days 

All covering the downs where the sheep used to 

graze. 

There's a field of red poppies (a gift from the Queen) 

But the ladies remember at Whitsun, 

And the ladies go dancing at Whitsun. 

Now Dandy's getting thin on top and thick around the middle 

But the girls still sigh at his twinkling eye, the charmin, yarnin' divil 

And he's welcome stiil in every port, specially after dark, 

When he takes his stand etc. 

22

Danny Boy (trad.) 

Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are callin From 

glen to glen, and down the mountain side 

The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying 

'tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide. 

But come you back when summer's in the meadow 

Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow 

'Tis I'll be there in sunshine or in shadow 

Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so. 

And if you come, when all the flowers are dying 

And I am dead, as dead I well may be 

You'll come and find the place where I am lying 

And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me. 

And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me 

And all my dreams will warm and sweeter be 

If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me I 

Simply sleep in peace until you come to me. 

Davy Crockett / Ballad of Davy Crockett (music 

George Bruns, lyrics Tom W Blackburn) 

Ch 

Davy, Davy Crockett King of the wild frontier. 

Born on a mountain top in Tennessee 

Greenest state in the land of the free 

Raised in the woods so he’d know every tree 

Killed him a bear when he was only three. 

Off through the woods he’s a marching along 

Making up yarns and singing a song 

Itching for fighting and righting a wrong 

He’s ringy as a bear and twice as strong. 

Dead Horse Shanty (trad.) 

Dead Dog Scrumpy (as sung by the Yetties) 

Oh, a poor old man came riding by, 

An' we say so! An' we know so 

A poor old man came riding by! Oh, poor old horse! 

Says I, `Òl' man, yer 'orse will die.'' 

Says I, `Òl' man, yer 'orse will die.'' 

An' if he dies we'll tan his hide, 

An' if he don't we'll ride him again. 

For one long month I rode him hard 

For one long month I rode him hard. 

One month a hell-bent life we've led, 

But ye've laid in a nice warm bed. 

But now yer month is up, ol' Turk, 

Git up, yer swine, an' look for work. 

Git up, yer swine, an' look for graft, 

While we lays on, an' yanks ye aft. 

After hard, hard work an' sore abuse, 

We'll salt ye down for sailor use. 

We'll use the hair of his tail to sew our sails, 

We'll use the hair of his tail to sew our sails. 

We'll yank him aft to the cabin door, 

An' now goodbye, ye son-o'-a-whore. 

We'll hoist him up to the main yardarm, 

We'll hoist him up to the main yardarm. 

An' we'll drop him down to the depths of the sea, 

We'll drop him down to the bottom of the sea. 

We'll sink him down with a long, long roll, Where the 

sharks 'll have his body, and the devil have his soul! 

1. Our story starts a few years back in a little cider mill A poor old dog lay down to rest for he was feeling ill 

He chose a most precarious place above the cider vat And in his sleep he tumbled in and drowned just like a rat. 

Ch. Dead dog scrumpy, dead dog scrumpy from the apple tree Dead dog scrumpy, dead dog scrumpy full of pedigree. 

2. Which caused his master for to grieve likewise his mistress too Until their sorrows to relieve they sampled of the brew 

Cor bless my socks cried Farmer Cox the like I ne’er did sup Go summon all the neighbours in and bid them take a cup. 

3. Now every man that drank that night got drunk as drunk could be 

And wondered how the scrumpy had acquired such potency 

The farmer kept his council as he took another drop When all at once the poor old dog came floating to the top. 

4. Now silence fell upon the room and every man did frown, hey recognised old Bendigo though he were upside down 

The parson changed his colour and collapsed upon the floor 

And the Squire he lost his breeches in the fight to reach the door 

5. “Fear not” then shouts up Farmer Cox “for in his life I vow, He never bit nor man nor child and he’ll bite no one now 

And this shall be his epitaph – here lies poor faithful Ben Who vanished in a cider vat and quickly rose again”. 

6. So if you’re ever down our way and goes into a bar Ask for dead dog scrumpy it’s the best there is by far 

Refuse all invitations and you’ll sleep just like a log You can always recognise it by the hair upon the dog. 

23

Delaware (Irving Gordon) 

Oh, what did Della wear boy, What did Della wear? 

What did Della wear boy, What did Della wear? 

She wore a bran’ new jersey x3 

That’s what she did wear. 

One, two, three, four! 

Oh, why did Calla ‘phone ya, Why did Calla phone? 

Why did Calla ‘phone ya, Was she all alone? 

She called to say how ar’ yi? X3 

That’s why she did call. 

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro! ( Spanish ) 

Oh, what did Mrs sip, boy, What did Mrs sip? 

What did Mrs sip, boy, Through her pretty lips? 

She sipped a mina-soda x3 

That’s what she did sip. Un, deux, trois, quatre! 

Oh, where as Ore gone, boy, Where has Ore gone? 

If you want, I’ll ask ‘er, I’ll ask ‘er where she’s gone 

She went to pay her taxes, x3 

That’s where she has gone. Eins, zwei, drei, vier! 

Oh, how did Wiscon sin, boy, how did Wincon sin? 

How did Wincon sin boy, how did Wincon sin 

She stole a brand new brass key, x3 

That`s how she did sin. 

Too bad that Arkan saw, boy, too bad Arkan saw 

So did Tenner see boy, so did Tenner see. 

It made poor Flora die, boy, x 

She died in misery. (1 st verse repeated) 

Delilah (Reed/Mason) 

I saw the light on the night that I passed by her 

window 

I saw the flickering shadows of love on the blind 

She was my woman 

But she deceived me & so I went out of my mind. 

My my my Delilah Why why why? Delilah 

I could see that girl was no good for me 

Forgive me Delilah I just couldn`t take any more. 

At break of day when that man went away I was 

waiting I crossed the street to her house & she 

opened the door 

She stood there laughing 

I felt the knife in my hand & she laughed no more. 


So before they come to break down the door 

Forgive me Delilah I just couldn`t take any more. 

(Take it away Fritz Instrum) 

She stood there laughing 

I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more. 


So before they come to break down the door 

Forgive me Delilah I just couldn`t take any more x2 

Derby Ram (trad) 

As I went out to Derby, upon a market day 

I spied the biggest ram, sir, that ever was fed on hay 

Hey ringle dangle, hey ringle day 

It was the biggest ram, sir, that ever was fed on hay 

The horns upon this ram, sir, they reached up to the moon 

A lad went up in April and didn't get down 'til June 

The fleece upon this ram, sir, it reached up to the sky 

The eagles made their nests there, you could hear 

the young 'uns cry 

And all the boys of Derby come begging for his eyes 

To kick around the streets, sir, 'cause they was 

football size 

And all the women of Derby come begging for his ears 

To make 'em leather aprons to last 'em forty years 

And all the men of Derby come begging for his tail 

To ring St. George's passing bell from the top of 

Derby jail 

It took all the boys of Derby to carry away his bones 

Took all the maids of Derby to roll away his stones 

Now the butcher that killed this ram, sir, he was 

up to his thighs in blood 

The boy that held the basin was washed away in the flood 

And now my song is over, I've got no more to say 

Just give us eggs and brandy and we'll be on our way. 

The Derby Ram (Sailors) 

As I was going to Derby, 'twas on a market day 

I met the finest ram, sirs, that ever was fed upon hay 

Ch. That's a lie, that's a lie 

That's a lie, a lie, a lie! 

This ram and I got drunk, sir, as drunk as drunk could be, 

& when we sobered up sir we were far away out on the sea 

This wonderful old ram, sir, was playful as a kid; 

He swallowed the captain's spyglass along with the 

bo'sun's fid. 

One morning on the poop, sir, before eight bells was rung, 

He grabbed the captain's sextant & took a shot at the sun. 

One night 'twas wet and rough, sir, and the wind was 

blowing keen 

He borrowed my suit of oilskins & he took my trick at the 

wheel 

The butcher who killed this ram, sir, was up to his knees in 

blood 

And the boy who told the tale, sir, was carried away with 

the flood 

The crew of the Vencedora* are handsome, strong & brave, 

The smartest lot of sailors that ever sailed over the wave! 

* or substitute 

24

Dido, Bendigo (trad.) 

As I was a-walking one morning last Autumn, I've overheard some noble foxhunting 

Between some noblemen and the Duke of Wellington So early before the day was dawning. 

Ch. There was Dido, Bendigo, Gentry he was there-o; 

Traveller he never looked behind him. 

There was Countess, Rover, Bonnie Lass and Jover: 

These were the hounds that could find him. 

Well the first fox being young and his trials just beginning, He's made straight away for his cover. 

He's run up yon highest hill and gone down yon lowest gill,Thinking that he'd find his freedom there forever. 

Well the next fox being old and his trials fast a-dawning, He's made straight away for the river. 

Well the fox he has jumped in but an hound jumped after him: It was Traveller who straited him forever. 

Well they've run across the plain but they've soon returned again— The fox nor the hounds never failing. 

It's been just twelve months today since I heard the squire say: 

“Hark forward then my brave hounds forever!” 

Dirty Old Town (Ewan McColl) 

1. I found my love by the gas works cry 

Dreamed a dream by the old canal 

Kissed my girl, by the factory wall 

Dirty old town, dirty old town. 

2. I heard a siren from the dock 

Saw a train set the night on fire 

Smelled the spring in the smoky wind 


3. Clouds are drifting across the moon 

Cats are prowling on their beat 

Springs a girl in the street at night 


4. I’m going to make a good sharp axe 

Shining steel tempered in the fire 

We’ll chop you down like a old dead tree 


Does Your Chewing Gum Lose its Flavour? 

(Lonnie Donnegon) 

Oh-me, oh-my, oh-you Whatever shall I do 

Hallelujah, the question is peculiar 

I'd give a lot of dough 

If only I could know 

The answer to my question 

Is it yes or is it no? 

ch. Does your chewing gum lose its flavour 

On the bedpost overnight 

If your mother says don't chew it 

Do you swallow it in spite? 

Can you catch it on your tonsils 

Can you heave it left and right 

Does your chewing gum lose its flavour 

On the bedpost overnight 

Here comes a blushing bride 

The groom is by her side 

Up to the altar Just as steady as Gibraltar 

Why, the groom has got the ring 

And it's such a pretty thing 

But as he slips it on her finger 

The choir begins to sing 

Disabled Seaman (Kipper Family) 

Oh sailor, sailor will you marry me with your smile so 

sunny Jim Oh no nice girl I cannot marry you for I 

have no teeth to put in. 

So off she went to her Grandfather’s glass 

And fished out some teeth of the very highest class 

And the sailor put them in. 

Oh sailor, sailor will you marry me with your rambling 

rolling gait Oh no nice girl I cannot marry you for I’m 

one leg short of a set. 

So off she went to her Grandfather’s table 

And brought him a leg that was very very stable 

When the sailor screwed it in. 

Oh sailor, sailor will you marry me with your pig tail 

down your back Oh no nice girl I cannot marry you 

for it’s hair on my head that I lack. 

So off she went to her Grandfather’s chest 

And plucked him some hair of the very very best 

And the sailor stuck it on. 

Oh sailor, sailor will you marry me with your 

sparkling eye so jocular Oh no nice girl I cannot 

marry you for you see I’m strictly monocular 

She went to the marbles that her Grandfather lost 

And brought him a bullseye of the very very best 

And the sailor popped it in. 

Oh sailor, sailor will you marry me with your girt big 

marlin spike Oh yes nice girl I’ll surely marry you for 

you’re just the sort of thing that I like. 

So off they went to their Grandfather’s cradle 

And soon she found out that this seaman was quite 

able And the sailor put it in. 

Now the nation rise as one 

To send their only son 

Up to the White House 

Yes, the nation's only White House 

To voice their discontent 

Unto the Pres-I-dent 

They pawn the burning question 

What has swept this continent. 

25

Doggy Song (based on Dog`s Meeting lyrics by Tom Patrick) 

tune: Aurela) 

The doggies held a meeting, 

They came from near and far, 

Some came by motorcycle, 

Some came by motorcar. 

Each doggy passed the entrance, 

Each doggy signed the book, 

Then each unshipped his asshole*, 

And hung it on the hook. 

One dog was not invited, 

It sorely raised his ire, 

He ran into the meeting hall, 

And loudly bellowed, “Fire!” 

It threw them in confusion, 

And without a second look, 

Each grabbed another’s asshole, 

From off another hook. 

And that’s the reason why,sir, 

When walking down the street, 

And that’s the reason why,sir, 

When doggies chance to meet, 

And that’s the reason why ,sir, 

On land or sea or foam, 

He will sniff another’s asshole, 

To see if it’s his own. 

Don`t Jump Off the Roof Dad (Homer & Jethro) 

Daddy came home from work tired 

His boss had been driving him mad. 

The kids were all shouting, the dog bit him too 

His dinner was nothing but boiled over stew. 

I guess it was then he decided 

Up to the rooftop he'd go 

He was about to jump off when 

The kids started howling below 

'Don't jump off the roof, Dad 

You'll make a hole in the yard 

Mother's just planted petunias 

The weeding and seeding was hard 

If you must end it all, Dad 

Won't you please give us a break 

Just take a walk down the park, Dad 

And there you can jump in the lake.' 

Dough, Ray Me (tune from The Sound of Music) 

Dough buys beer it buys me beer, 

Ray, the guy who serves me beer, 

Me, the guy, who drinks my beer, 

Fa, a long way to the john, 

So, I'll have another beer, 

La, I'll have another beer, 

Tea, no thanks I'll have a beer, 

And that brings us back to, 

Dough . . . (etc) 

Do Virgins Taste Better? (Randy Farran) 

Dragon has come to our village today. 

We've asked him to leave, but he won't go away. 

Now he's talked to our king and they worked out a deal. 

No homes will he burn and no crops will he steal. 

Now there is but one catch, we dislike it a bunch. 

Twice a year he invites him a virgin to lunch. 

Well, we've no other choice, so the deal we'll respect. 

But we can't help but wonder and pause to reflect. 

Do virgins taste better than those who are not? 

Are they salty, or sweeter, more juicy or what? 

Do you savor them slowly? 

Gulp them down on the spot? 

Do virgins taste better than those who are not? 

Now we'd like to be shed you, and many have tried. 

But no one can get through your thick scaly hide. 

We hope that some day, some brave knight will come by. 

'Cause we can't wait around 'til you're too fat to fly. 

Now you have such good taste in your women for sure, 

They always are pretty, they always are pure. 

But your notion of dining, it makes us all flinch, 

For your favorite entree is barbecued wench. 

Now we've found a solution, it works out so neat, 

If you insist on nothing but virgins to eat. 

No more will our number ever grow small, 

We'll simply make sure there's no virgins at all! 

Do Ye Ken John Peel? (trad) 

Do ye ken John Peel with his coat so gay? 

Do ye ken John Peel at the break of day? 

Do ye ken John Peel when he's far, far away 

With his hounds and his horn in the morning 

Twas the sound of his horn brought me from my bed 

And the cry of his hounds has me oftimes led 

For Peel's view holloa would wake the dead 

Or a fox from his lair in the morning 

Do ye ken that hound whose voice is death? 

Do ye ken her sons of peerless faith 

Do ye ken that a fox with his last breath 

Cursed them all as he died in the morning? 

Yes, I ken John Peel and auld Ruby, too 

Ranter and Royal and Bellman so true 

From the drag to the chase, from the chase to the view 

From the view to the death in the morning 

And I've followed John Peel both often and far 

O'er the rasper fence and the gate and the bar 

From Low Denton Holme to the Scratchmere Scar 

When we vied for the brush in the morning 

Then here's to John Peel with my heart and soul 

Come fill, fill to him a brimming bowl 

For we'll follow John Peel thro fair or thro foul 

While we're waked by his horn in the morning. 

26

Drink Up Thy Zider (Tommy Makum) 

Drink up thy zider George, pass us round the mug 

Drink up thy zider George, the garden's ver'nigh dug 

Thy cheeks bin gettin' redder From Charter'ouse 

to Cheddar An' there's still more zider in the jug 

ch. 

Drink up thy zider, Drink up thy zider, 

For tonight we'll merry be 

We'll knock the milk churns over 

And roll 'em in the clover 

For the corn's 'alf-cut and so be we! 

Drink up thy zider George, thee bissn't goin' far 

Drink up thy zider George, thee's gettin' quite a star 

There's dung o'er all thy tat'ers An' 'alfway up thy 

gaiters An' there's still more zider in the jar! 

Drink up thy zider George, get up off thick mat Drink 

up thy zider George, put on thy girt big 'at 

We'm off to Barrow Gurney For to see my brother 

Ernie An' there's still more zider in the vat! 

Drink up thy zider George, 'tis time we 'ad a rest 

Drink up thy zider George, the finest ever pressed 

There's nothing like good cider To make your smile 

grow wider An' there's still more zider in the West! 

Drive Sorrows Away (traditional) 

You see we brave sailors so cheerful and gay Since 

we've learned a new act to drive sorrows away 

Sorrows away (3x) Since we've learned a new act to 

drive sorrows away 

Bright Phoebe awaits so high up in the sky With her 

red rosy cheeks and sparkling eye (as above) 

If you ask for my credit you will find I have none 

With my bottle and friends you will find me at home 

Although I'm not rich and although I'm not poor I'm 

as happy as those that's got thousands or more 

You see our poor landlord`s not cheerful and gay 

Since we`ve learnt a new act to drive custom away. 

I wear high heeled shoes and a bright scarlet dress 

And I`ll take them all off for a 100 or less. 

Drunken Sailor (traditional) 

1. What shall we do with the drunken sailor? 

What shall we do with the drunken sailor? 

What shall we do with the drunken sailor? 

Early in the morning 

Hurray and up she rises, x3 Early in the morning 

2. Put him in the long boat till he’s sober 

3. Put him in the scuppers with a hosepipe on him 

4. Pull out the plug and wet him all over 

5. Shave his belly with a rusty razor 

6. Put him in bed with the captain’s daughter 

7. Have you ever seen the captain’s daughter? 

Early One Morning / Public Bar (Miles Wooton) 

Early one morning just as the pubs were opening 

A traveller came walking down a cold & windy street 

He saw a door ajar, entered into a bar 

Landlord I would like a pint and something to eat 

I fancy some crusty bread and roast beef of Old England, 

Fresh butter from the churn and a pickled onion too 

And if you think you could, draw some bitter from the wood 

I’d be quite content to sip a gentle pint or two 

I’ll sit down by your open fire and ponder on the infinite. 

The quiet of your hostelry shall seep into my heart 

And if a regular should come into the bar 

Maybe I’ll engage him to a contest with a dart 

Sit down said the landlord, I’ve got prepacked fishpaste 

sandwiches, 

And succulent savoury sausage which I purchase by the ton 

And if you fancy it, I could defrost a bit, 

Serve it up with ketchup in a supermarket bun 

I’ll draw you off a litre pot of the latest Euro fizzy brew 

Advertised on telly by a famous rugby scrum 

No dirty barrels here, we serve hygienic beer 

Safely paralysed inside an aluminium drum 

Come sit down by my fireside, I’ll switch the logs on presently, 

and come and try you luck upon my latest fruit machine 

Three cherries in row, will set your heart aglow, 

And how about some rock ‘n’ roll to really set the scene 

So he sat down beside the polystyrene inglenook, 

The plastic beams were jumping to an electronic sound 

Started a bite to chew, had a sip of Eurobrew, 

Gave a ghastly gurgle, fell down dead upon the ground 

Oh dear! Said the landlord as he turned the colour telly on. 

Another fatal accident, the fourth this week I fear 

If they can’t hold their own, why don’t they stay at home. 

You don’t half get some bloody funny customers in here 

‘Enery the Eighth (Murray/Weston) 

You don't know who you're looking at; 

now have a look me! 

I'm a bit of a nob, I am, belong to royaltee. 

I'll tell you how it came about; 

I married Widow Burch, 

And I was King of England 

When I toddled out of church. 

Outside the people started shouting, "Hip hooray! 

Said I 

"Get down upon your knees it's Coronation Day!" 

I'm 'Enery the eighth, I am 

'Enery the eighth I am I am 

I got married to the widow next door 

She's been married seven times before 

And every one was an 'Eneryy. 

She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam. 

I'm her eighth old man, I'm 'Enery 'Enery the eighth, 

I am 

27

English Are Best 

(ad. From Flanders & Swan by Sem Seabourne) 

The rottenest bits of these islands of ours 

We've left in the hands of three unfriendly powers 

Examine the Irish the Welsh or the Scot 

You’ll find he’s a stinker as often as not. 

Ch. The English the English the English are nice 

They’re worth all the others at double the price 

The English the English the English are best 

So up with the English and down with the rest! 

The Scotsman is mean as we're all well aware 

He's boney and blotchy and covered with hair 

He eats salted porridge to keep out the cold 

And drinks gallons of whisky to make him feel bold. 

The Irishman now our contempt is beneath 

He sleeps in his boots and he lies through his teeth 

He blows up policemen or so I have heard 

And blames it on Cromwell and William the Third 

The Welshman's dishonest, he cheats when he can 

He's little and dark more like monkey than man 

He works underground with a lamp on his hat 

And sings far too loud, far too often and flat 

And crossing the channel one cannot say much 

For the French or the Spanish, the Danish or Dutch 

The Germans are German, the Russians are red 

And the Greeks and Italians eat garlic in bed 

Cross the Atlantic West Indies the same 

They've simply no notion of playing the game 

They argue with umpires, they cheer when they've won 

And they’re fit and they practice which spoils all the fun 

The Americans eat things concealed in a bun 

And don’t walk the streets without packing a gun 

Their presidents are actors as often as not 

And when they find a good one he’s usually shot. 

It's not that they're wicked or naturally bad 

It's just that they're foreign that makes them so mad 

The English are all that the world should rever 

And the best place in England is in Oxfordshire 

English Country Rubbish Dump (by ed.) 

Let`s tidy our rural idyll, turn over an old leaf-if we can find one! 

How many piles of rubbish grow 

In our English Country Rubbish Dump? 

I`ll tell you now of some of them I know 

And those I miss you`re sure give me-a-thump! 

Newspapers, rusty cans 

Post Office rubber bands 

Discarded skins and 

Worthless Euro notes. 

It`s an utter farce 

You can`t even see the grass 

In our English Garden Rubbish Dump! 

English Country Garden. 

(ad. by ed from Hawkins, Daniel; Hawkins, Justin; original) 

How many times have you had a bit of fun? 

I`ve done it thrice and I think it is quite nice 

In an English Country Garden 

Once in the flower bed 

Once in the potting shed Once in a bed of roses. 

She thought it a farce cos the prickles hurt her arm 

In an English Country Garden. 

Met Mrs Brown she was walking round and round 


She said, “You`re drunk but sod it you`re a hunk!” 


Ripped off my pantaloons, whistling some merry 

tunes Leapt forth and shouted,”Geronimo!” 

I shouted too, twas the least that I could do In an 


How many flashers have you seen In an English 

Country Garden. 

I`ll tell you know of some of them I know And those 

I miss you`ll surely pardon. 

First there is cousin Bert, in just his undershirt 

Grandad who wears a frilly nighty 

Then there is Jim, well the less that`s said of him In 

an English Country Garden. 

How high do Icknield Way Men leap In an English 


I`ll tell you now of some of them I know And those 

I`ve missed you`ll surely pardon. 

First there is foreman Bob Getting off the ground`s 

a job Opposite`s there`s Graham reaching Cloud 

Nine 

The others as you`ve seen are rather in between In 

an English Country Garden. 

How many floosies have you seen In an English 




First there’s the one-eyed dwarf She’d write your 

epitaph 

Then there’s the one we all call The Bus But give 

her 50 quid and she’ll entertain a squid In an 


How many more floosies have you seen In an 




Next there’s the one with crabs Bob and Rover 

once kept tabs 

Then there’s the one who has epileptic fits I prefer 

Rosie ‘cos she’s semi comatose In an English 


How many treasurers have you seen In an English 



I`ve missed you`ll surely pardon 

Once we could pay our way any time and any day 

Winter summer spring or the fall 

Now if you’re on the list he’ll prize it from your fist 


28

Everything Glows 

(Les Barker to tune Ànything Goes`) 

In olden days, how well a fella feeled, 

Now they're not well in Sellarfield, and it shows. 

Everything Glows. 

Nowadays your humble peasant is, 

Likely to be fluorescent, from head to toes. 


One hundred watts, they say, 

You can spot today, 

Every male today, 

In Winscale today, 

And the tramps today,are like lamps today, 

With an incandescent nose. 

Parsons, Priests and Monks and Deacons, 

All look like Belisha Beacons, They say 

"God Knows !" 


Plutocrats don't have plutonium, 

They leave those Vats of Odium to the proles. 


Acid rain and radiation, 

Our gifts to other nations, both friend and foes. 


In the West today, 

We fluoresce today, 

And the rain today, 

Rots your brain today, 

And the Manx today, don't give thanks today, 

For the waste that we dispose. 

Cows that once just ruminated, 

Are now illuminated from head to toes. 


On the hills the sheep are numerous, 

Shining in their illuminous sheepskin clothes. 


On the hills and mountain passes, 

Sheepdogs all wear dark glasses, perched on their 

nose. 


The sheep today, 

They may sleep today, 

But their sleep today, 

Is not deep today, 

For the night today, 

Is too bright today, 

And they've all got extra toes. 

Why is there this sense of doom in us, 

Must be because we're luminous, I suppose. 


Farmer’s Toast (traditional) 

Come all jolly fellows who long to be mellow, 

attend unto me and sit easy. 

For a pint when it's quiet, m boys let us try it, 

dull thinking will drive a man crazy. 

ch. I have lawns, I have bowers I have fruits, I have 

flowers And the lark is my morning alarmer 

So my jolly boys now here's Godspeed the plough 

Long life and success to the farmer. 

Draw near to my table my boys when you're able, 

let me hear not one word of complaining. 

For a pint when it's quiet my boys, let us try it, 

dull thinking will drive a man crazy. 

For here I am king I can laugh drink and sing, and 

let no man approach as a stranger. 

And show me the ass who refuses a glass, and 

I'll treat him to hay in a manger. 

Let the wealthy and great live in splendour and 

state I envy them not, I declare it 

For I eat my own hams my own chickens and 

lambs and I shear my own fleece and I wear it 

By ploughing and sowing by reaping and mowing 

all nature provides me with plenty 

With a cellar well stored and a bountiful board 

and my garden affords every dainty. 

Were it not for my seeding you'd have but poor 

feeding I reckon you'd all starve without me. 

But whatever the season, I have always good 

reason to have my companions about me. 

Fathom the Bowl (traditional) 

Come all you bold heroes give ear to my song, 

I'll sing in the praise of good brandy and rum, 

Here's a clear crystal fountain over England shall roll, 

Give to me the punch ladle, I'll fathom the bowl. 

Chorus: 

I'll fathom the bowl, I'll fathom the bowl. 


From France we get brandy, from Jamaica comes rum, 

Sweet oranges and lemons from Portugal come, 

Strong beer and good cider in England is sold, 


My wife she's a tyrant, she sits at her ease, 

She scolds and she grumbles, she does as she please, 

She may scold, she may grumble till she's black as the coal, 


My father he lies in the depths of the sea, 

Cold rocks for his pillow - what matter to he! 

Here's a clear crystal fountain over England shall roll, 


29

Fiddlers Green (John Conolly) 

As I rode by the dockside one evening so rare To 

view the still waters and take the salt air 

I heard an old fisherman singing a song 

Oh take me away boys me time is not long. 

Now Fiddlers Green is a place I heard tell 

Where fishermen go if they don’t go to hell 

Where the weather is fair and the dolphins do play 

And the cold coast of Greenland is far far away. 

Ch. Dress me up in me oil skins and jumper 

No more on the docks I’ll be seen 

Just tell me old ship mates I’m taking a trip mates 

And I’ll see you some day in Fiddlers Green. 

The skies always clear and there’s never a gale 

And fish jump on board with a flick of their tail 

You can lie at your leisure there’s no work to do 

And the skipper’s below making tea for the crew. 

When you’re in dock and the long trip is through 

There’s pubs and there’s clubs and there’s lassies 

there too 

The girls are all pretty and the beer is all free 

And there’s bottles of rum growing on every tree. 

I don’t want a harp or a halo not me 

Just give me a breeze and a good rolling sea 

And I’ll play me old squeeze box as we sail along 

With the wind in the rigging to sing me this song. 

Fishfinger Song / The Great Fishfinger Disaster (Miles Wootton) 

Come all ye jolly sail-i-ers, who sail across the sea; 

And listen to this story I'm about to tell to thee. 

Concerning them bold Fish-iar lads who sail the seas so wet; 

A-hunting for fish fingers, with a harpoon and a net. 

'Twas in the year of '64,or was it' 63-? 

We set sail from Basingstoke , bound for Amer-i-key. 

The storms they was a-ra-ji-ing, and the waves a dreadful sight; 

It took us forty days, me boys, to reach the Isle of Wight. 

Our Captain's name was Gladys, he wore a dress of red; 

Which might have been the reason he was not marr-i-ed. 

He was a gay old sea-bitch and it was his fav-our-ite joy, 

To take a turn around the deck with the handsome cabin boy. 

And then off Iceland's icy shores, a mighty shoal we spied; 

Of Froz-i-en Fish Fin-gi-ers, a-waiting to be fried. 

With our harpoons at the ready my boys, upon that shoal we 

burst; 

A-las, we was too late me lads, the Japanese had got there first. 

Them Nippon lads came at we, they was a terrible crew; 

A-brandishing tran-sis-ti-ers, and a-giving it the old Kung-Fu. 

We sang them a sea shan-ti-ee, but they did not want to know; 

And they slashed away our mizzen mast with one Karate blow. 

We got back to old Eng-gi-land in a twelve month and a day; 

It would have been much quicker, but we went the pretty way. 

Take warning all ye sail-i-or lads what sails the sea in ships 

Don't ever go fish fing-i-ering, just stick to Cod and Chips 

Fields Of Athenry (Pete St John) 

By a lonely prison wall, I heard a young girl calling 

Michael, they have taken you away, 

For you stole Trevelyan's corn, 

So the young might see the morn. 

Now a prison ship lies waiting in the bay 

ch. Low lie the fields of Athenry 

Where once we watched the small free birds fly 

Our love was on the wing 

We had dreams and songs to sing 

It's so lonely round the fields of Athenry. 

By a lonely prison wall, I heard a young man calling 

Nothing matters, Mary, when you're free 

Against the famine and the crown, 

I rebelled, they cut me down. 

Now you must raise our child with dignity. 

By a lonely harbor wall, she watched the last star falling 

As the prison ship sailed out against the sky 

Sure she'll wait and hope and pray, for her love in Botany Bay 

It's so lonely round the fields of Athenry.x2 

parody…..By a lonely prison wall I heard a young girl calling 

Michael they are singing it again 

If I hear it one more time, I think I'll lose my mind 

I'm so fed up with the Fields of Athenry 

cho: Oh no the Fields of Athenry 

If I hear it one more time I think I'll die 

It's such a boring song it goes on and on and on 

I'm so fed up with the Fields of Athenry 

From within the prison wall I heard a young man calling 

Mary why do you think I'm here 

In here we all agree transportation'll set us free 

Free from the Fields of Athenry 

By a lonely harbour wall I saw the last star falling 

As the prison ship sailed out against the tide 

Hold on that girl did say I'm coming with you to Botany Bay 

To escape from the Fields of Athenry 

Five Constipated Men (Carli Gewrtz) 

Ch. 

There were five, five, constipated men In the Bible, in the Bible. 

There five, five, constipated men In the five books of Moses 

The first, first, constipated man was Cain, he wasn't Abel The 

first, first, constipated man was Cain, he was not Abel. 

The second, second constipated man was Balaam, 

he couldn't move his ass… 

The third, third, constipated man was Moses, 

he took two tablets…. 

The fourth, fourth, constipated man it was Solomon, 

he sat for forty years…. 

The fifth, fifth constipated man it was Samson, 

he brought the house down… 

(actually, there were six: 

The sixth, sixth constipated man 

Was Titus. His name speaks for itself) 

30

Five Foot Flirt (Cyril Tawney) 

1. Don’t tell I Jim Johnson twern’t with you last night 

I heard him as plain as can be 

I was crossing the mound when I ‘eard a strange sound 

Under the sycamore tree 

I thought p’rhaps a cow had been caught in the mud 

And pulled his leg out with a moo 

I’m satisfied now that that noise weren’t the cow 

It twer Jim kissing you. 

Ch. You’re a five foot flirt in the robes of an angel 

You better ‘ad leave I alone 

By the way you’re acting it nearly unnerves I 

The thing that preserves I is my joviality 

Though I’ve got trouble as thick as the stubble 

It’s you that’s the worst of them all 

Keep out of me track and if you want to come back 

You can turn, turn, turn. 

2. Remember what happened last Saturday 

The air was so peaceful and still 

When out of the blue came a hullabaloo 

A growling and a cackling so shrill 

It came to my head as I crawled from me bed 

There’s a fox at me chickens tis true 

I crept out in me socks and bumped into the fox 

It was Jim kissing you. 

3. Now what’s your excuse for last Sunday in church 

It fair turned the poor vicar grey 

As the organist were rendering “Lead Kindly Light” 

Jim Johnson were pumping away 

Then all of a sudden the organ stopped short 

The vicar got into a stew 

When he looked round behind 

Tell me what did he find. He found Jim kissing you. 

The Flower of Scotland 

(was composed at 69 Nothumberland Street, Edinburgh by Roy Williamson 

of the Corries.The unofficial national anthem of Scotland) 

1. 

O flower of Scotland 

When will we see 

Your like again 

That fought and died for 

Your wee bit hill and glen 

And stood against him 

Proud Edward's army 

And sent him homeward 

Tae think again 

2. The hills are bare now 

And autumn leaves lie 

thick and still 

O'er land that is lost now 

Which those so dearly 

held 





3. Those days are passed now 

And in the past they must remain 

But we can still rise now 

And be the nation again 





Fling It Here, Fling It There (S. Lawrence/Yetties 

Tune: Villikins and Dinah) 

1. Way down on our farm we are right up to date 

For mechanization’s the by-word of late 

For every job there’s a gadget to match but our new 

muckspreader’s the best of the batch 

Ch. Fling it here, Fling it there If you’re standing 

by then you’ll all get your share 

2. Now young Walter Hodgkins he brought back a 

load of liquid manure from the farm up the road 

He hummed to himself as he drove up the street 

and his load also hummed in the afternoon heat. 

3. Now this muckspreader had a mechanical fault 

and a bump in the road turned it on with a jolt 

An odorous spray of manure it let fly without fear or 

favour on all who passed by. 

4. The cats and the dogs stank to high kingdom 

come and the kiddies browned off ran home 

screaming to Mum 

The trail of sheer havoc was terrible grim , one open 

car was filled up to the brim. 

The vicarage window was open all wide when this 

generous helping descended inside 

The vicar at table he said let us pray when this 

dung from heaven came flying his way. 

In her garden Miss Pringle was quite scandalised 

Good gracious she said I’ve been fertilised 

While the Methodist minister’s tea-total wife was 

plastered for the very first time in her life 

And all of this time Walter trundled along, he was 

quite unaware there was anything wrong 

Till a vision of woe flagged him down – what a sight: 

A policeman all covered in ……. you’ve got it right. 

Foggy Foggy Dew (trad.) 

When I was a bachelor, I liv'd all alone 

I worked at the weaver's trade 

And the only, only thing that I ever did wrong 

was to woo a fair young maid. 

I wooed her in the wintertime and in the summer, too 

And the only, only thing that I did that was wrong 

Was to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew. 

One night she came to my bedside when I was fast asleep. 

She laid her head upon my bed and she began to weep. 

She sighed, she cried, she damn near died 

She said what shall I do? 

So I hauled her into bed and covered up her head 

Just to keep her from the foggy foggy dew. 

So, I am a bachelor, I live with my son 

And we work at the weaver's trade. 

And every single time that I look into his eyes 

He reminds me of that fair young maid. 

He reminds me of the wintertime and of the summer, too, 

And of the many, many times that I held her in my arms 

Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy, dew 

31

The Folker (Noel Murphy) 

Oh, my name`s “Lead Fingers Murphy” and my story's seldom told 

And I massacre folk music with a yard of German plywood and a capo 

I do requests--just the ones that have two chords in them and I disregard the rest Na na nya, na na na na. 

In the Sir Patrick Spens I clean forgot the 42nd verse, 

So I sang the 27th twice as loud and in reverse and no one noticed. 

I laughed for hours the tears ran down me trouser leg I thought I'd wet me drawers Na na nya, na na na na. 

Na na nya, Na na na na na na na Na na nya Na na na na na na na na na na na na nya 

Well, I stand on stage the hero a martyr to me trade 

And carry the reminders of all the gigs I've played in like the Irish Club 

Where I fled in mortal fear—with the imprint of a Guinness bottle stamped across my ear Na na nya na na na na 

Seeking twenty with expenses I went looking for a gig 

But I got no offers--just a come on from a groupie up in Naldertown 

I do declare--I was feeling rather randy and I had her then and there Na na nya na na na na 

Na na nya, Na na na na na na na Na na nya Na na na na na na na na na na na na nya 

Well, I've sung the folk tradition with my finger in my ear 

Cause half the stuff I'm singin'—I just can't bear to hear—it's a load of cobblers 

Bar after bar--to the rhythm of an out of tune Japanese guitar. Na Na Nya na na na na 

Well, I met this great guitarist and I asked him for advice 

But the message that he gave me--wasn't very nice or even civil 

Stick it where--and if I did how could I tune it with it shoved way up there. Na na nya na na na na 

Now I've got my thing together, man, I'm really freaking out 

Reading “Melody Maker,” mainlining on draught stout and having hang ups 

And like the rest, I'm having trouble with my sex life since I fell and broke my wrist 

And my other songs are twice as bad as this. 

Folk Song (Myles Rudge & Ted Dicks, as sung by 

Bernard Cribbens) 

Oh, 'twas on a Monday mornin'-O, 

The rain it was a rainin', 

My love , she turned to me and said, 

"Oh, when will you and I be wed, 

I've been and bought a double bed, 

And mother is complainin'", 

(spoken:- "I can't stand her mother") 

And all the while the rain it was a rainin'. 

'Twas on the Tuesday mornin'-O, 

The snow it was a glistenin' 

My love still hadn't gone away, 

So I said "Mistress, tell me pray, 

What was it you said yesterday, 

I really wasn't listenin'", 

(Spoken:- "I laughed, she hit me, it hurt"), 

Amd all the while the snow etc. 

'Twas on the Wednesday mornin'-O, 

The hail it was a hailin', 

My love, she made a quick retort, 

She said "To cut the story short, 

I've bought a bed, the double sort, 

You hearin' must be failin'", 

(Spoken:- "I heard that all right, though"), 

And all the while the hail etc. 

'Twas on the Thursday mornin'-O, 

The day was not a hot one, 

I said "I thought that's what you said, 

You've been and bought a double bed, 

You must be goin' off your head, 

For I've already got one", 

(Spoken:- "Got two now haven't I"), 

And all the while the day etc. 

(Spoken:- "On Friday, nobody spoke"). 

'Twas on the Saturday mornin'-O, 

The thunder it was frightening, 

I shouted loud, so I'd be heard, 

"Oh let's get married on the third", 

But she did answer not one word, 

For she'd been struck by lightnin', 

And after that the weather started brightening. 

32

Football Crazy (traditional) 

I have a favourite brother and his Christian name is Paul 

He’s lately joined a football club for he’s mad about football 

And he’s two black eyes already and teeth lost from his gob 

Since our Paul became a member of that terrible football club. 

Ch. For he’s football crazy, he’s football mad. 

The football it has taken away the wee bit of sense he had 

And it would take a dozen servants to wash his clothes and 

scrub 

Since our Paul became a member of that terrible football club. 

In the middle of the field one afternoon the captain says “Hey 

Paul 

Would you kindly take this place kick since you’re mad about 

football 

So he took forty paces backwards shot off from the mark. 

The ball went sailing over the bar and landed in New York. 

His wife says she will leave him if Paul he doesn’t keep 

Away from football kicking at night time in his sleep 

Well he calls out “ Pass McGinty” and other things so droll 

Last night he kicked her out of the bed and shouted It’s a goal!. 

Football Referee (adapted from Matt McGinn`s original) 

ch. Why did I ever become a football referee? I could have been 

an engineer or a sailor on the sea. 

I could have lead an easy life a working nine to five Considering 

all the scrapes I`ve had I`m lucky to be alive. 

V1.The first time that I reffed a match a boys game under nine 

The dads they went berserk and were a fighting on the line 

I ruled a ball was offside, they shouted, “What a farce! 

The referee`s a tosser he can shove it up his ……..!” 

V2. The first big game I refereed I did feel very proud, 

I played it like a fluter and I smiled at all the crowd, 

I gave them two decisions and I heard a terrible boo, 

Then fifty-thousand voices roared 'It`s coconuts to you'! 

V3. When Rangers played the Celtic, before I reached the field, 

Each set of fans were threatening me I thought my fate was 

sealed. 

I refused to fix the match and when they picked up bricks I ran 

They hollered that me love life would soon go down the pan 

V4. The game had gone on half-an-hour when two began to 

fight 

I tried to separate them and to tell them who was right. 

They bashed me & they battered me & they left me nearly lame, 

The crowd roared out, 'Let`s bury him! & get on with the game.' 

They brought me out to Italy as a very honoured guest, 

Between Milan and Roma, I did my level best. 

But the crowd they didna fancy me -I could tell by the way they 

squeeled. 

They hired a helicopter to take me oot o' the field. 

The Fox (trad) 

1. The fox went out for a chase one night 

prayed to the moon to give him light 

for he had many a mile to go that night 

before he reached the town-o, town-o, town-o 

he had many a mile to go that night 

before he reached the town-o. 

2. He ran right up to the farmers pen 

ducks and the geese were kept therein 

he said "A couple of you gonna grease my chin 

before I leave this town-o, town-o, town-o 

A couple of you gonna grease my chin 

before I leave this town-o." 

3. He grabbed the grey goose by the neck 

slung the little one over his back 

he didn't mind the quack quack quack 

and the legs all dangling down-o, down-o, down-o 

he didn't mind the quack quack quack 

and the legs all dangling down-o. 

4. Old Mother Pitter Patter jumped out of bed 

out of the window she popped her head yelling 

"John, John the grey goose is gone! 

and the fox is on the town-o, town-o, town-o 

John, John the grey goose is gone! 

and the fox is on the town-o." 

5. John he ran to the top of the hill 

blew his horn both loud and shrill 

the fox said "I'd better flee with my kill 

for he'll soon be on my trail-o, trail-o, trail-o" 

the fox said "I'd better flee with my kill 

for he'll soon be on my trail-o." 

6. He ran right up to his cozy den 

there were his little ones eight nine ten 

they said "Daddy won't you please go back again 

for it must be a mighty fine town-o, town-o, town-o 

Daddy wont you please go back again 

for it must be a mighty fine town-o." 

7. The fox and his wife without any strife 

cut up the goose with a fork and knife 

they'd never had such a supper in their life 

and the little ones chewed on the bones-o, bones-o, 

bones-o 

They never had such a supper in their life 

and the little ones chewed on the bones-o. 

Galaxy Song (Eric Idle & John Du Prez) 

Whenever life gets you down Mrs Brown 

And things seem hard or tough 

And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft 

And you feel that you’ve had quite enough 

33

Garden of Love (Benny Hill) 

(Chorus) The sun and the rain fell from up above. 

And landed on the earth below in my garden of love 

Galaxy Song (cont.) 

Just remember that you’re standing on a planet that’s evolving 

And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour 

That’s orbiting at ninety miles a second so it’s reckoned 

A sun that is the source of all our power 

The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see 

Are moving at a million miles a day 

In an outer spiral arm at forty thousand miles an hour 

Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way 

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars 

It’s one hundred thousand light years side to side 

It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick 

But out by us it’s just three thousand light years wide 

We’re thirty thousand light years from galactic central point 

We go round every two hundred million years 

And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions 

In this amazing and expanding universe 

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding 

In all of the directions it can whizz 

As fast as it can go, the speed of light you know 

Twelve million miles a minute and that’s the fastest speed there is 

So remember when you’re feeling very small and insecure 

How amazingly unlikely is your birth 

And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere out in space 

‘Cos there’s bugger all down here on earth 

Now there’s a rose for the way my spirits rose when we met 

A forget-me-not to remind me to remember not to forget 

A pine tree for the way I pined over you 

And an ash for the day I ashed you to be true 

Now there’s a palm tree that we planted when we had our first date 

A turnip for the way you always used to turnip late 

Your mother and your cousin, Chris, they often used to come 

So, in their honour, I have raised a nice chris-an’-the-mum 

Now there’s a beetroot for the day you said that you’d beetroot to me 

A sweet pea for the sweet way you always smiled at me 

But you had friends who needed you 

There was Ferdy, there was Liza 

So, just for them, I put down a load of ferdy-liza 

But Gus the gardener’s left now and you went with him, too 

The fungus there reminds me of the fun Gus is having with you 

Now the rockery’s a mockery, with weeds it’s overgrown 

The fuchsia’s gone, I couldn’t face the fuchsia all alone 

And my tears fell like raindrops from the sky above 

and poisoned all the flowers in my garden of love 

Galway Bay (tune Arthur Colahan) 

If you ever go across the sea to Ireland, 

Better wait until my wife has passed away! 

I always remember the way she used to rag me. 

She had a mouth as big as Galway Bay. 

Now she drinks her fourteen pints of Guinness daily 

And walks on down the street without a sway; 

If the River Shannon was full of Irish whisky 

She would swim and drink and drowns in Galway Bay. 

Oh you oughta see her standing in the boozer 

And when the barman says, "it's time you go." 

Well, she doesn't speak in English or in Gaelic. 

But in language that the clergy would not know. 

On her back she has tattooed a map of Ireland. 

And when she takes her bath each Christmas Day, 

She rubs the Sunlight Soap around the islands. 

And watch the suds go down to Galway Bay. 

The Gas-Man Cometh (Michael Flanders) 

Twas on the Monday morning the gas-man came to call. 

The gas tap wouldn't turn, I wasn't getting gas at all 

He tore out all the skirting boards to try and find the main. 

And I had to call a carpenter to put them back again 

Oh it all makes work for the working man to do 

Twas on the Tuesday morning the carpenter came round. 

He hammered & he chiselled and he said, Look what I've found 

Your joists are full of dry rot but I'll put them all to rights. 

Then he nailed right through a cable and out went all the lights 

Oh it all makes work for the working man to do. 

34

The Gas-Man Cometh (cont.) 

Twas on a Wednesday morning the electrician came. 

He called me Mr. Sanderson which isn't quite me name 

He couldn't reach the fuse box without standing on the bin. 

And he put his foot through a window so I called the glazier in 


Twas on the Thursday morning the glazier came along. 

With his blowtorch and his putty and his merry glazier song 

He put another pane in, it took no time at all. 

But I had to get a painter in to come and paint the wall 


Twas on a Friday morning the painter made a start. 

With undercoats and overcoats, he painted every part 

Every nook and every cranny but I found when he was gone. 

He'd painted over the gas tap and I couldn't turn it on 


On Saturday and Sunday they do no work at all. 

So twas on the Monday morning that the gas-man came to call. 

The German Clockwinder (ad. by ed.) 

A German clockwinder to Dublin once came, 

Benjamin Fuchs was the old German's name, 

And as he was winding his way 'round the strand, 

He played on his flute and the music was grand. 

Singing Too-ra-lam-a-lam-a, Too-ra-lam-a-lam-a Too-ra-li-ay 

Too-ra-lam-a-lam-a, Too-ra-lam-a-lam-a Too-ra-li-ay 

He`ll wind up your clock in the old fashioned way 

Singing Too-ra-lam-a-lam-a Too-ra-li-ay 

There was a young lady from Grosvenor Square, 

Who said that her clock was in need of repair. 

In walked the German, and to her delight, 

In less than five minutes, he had her clock right. 

CHORUS 

And as they were sitting right down on the floor, 

There came a very loud knock on the door. 

In walked her husband, and great was his shock, 

To see the old German wind up his wife's clock. 

CHORUS 

Then says her husband, "Look here, Mary Ann, 

Don't tell that old German to come here again. 

He wound up your clock and left mine on the shelf. 

If your old clock needs winding I'll do it myself." 

CHORUS 

Then says the German, "Sure I meant you no harm, 

But the spring wouldn't work in your old wife's alarm. 

I pulled out me oil can and I gave it a squirt; 

If you keep it well-oiled, well your wife's clock will work!" 

CHORUS 

Ghastly White / Widdecombe Fair (trad.) 

35 

Wi' Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney, Peter Davey, Dan'l Whiddon, 

Harry Hawke 

Old Uncle Tom Cobleigh and all. Old Uncle Tom Cobleigh and all 

Tom Pearce, Tom Pearce, lend me your grey mare. 

All along down along out along lee 

For I wants to go to Widdecombe Fair 

when will I see again my grey mare. 


By Friday soon or Saturday noon 

Friday came and Saturday soon. 


Tom's grey mare her has not trotted home 

So Tom he went up to the top of the hill. 


And there he sees his old mare a making her will 

Tom's grey mare took sick and died. 


And Tom sat down on a stone and he cried 

When the wind whistles cold on the moors of a night. 


Tom's grey mare doth appear ghastly white 

And all the night long there'd be skirling and groans. 


Of Tom's grey mare and the rattling bones of 

Short version: Tam Pearce Tam Pearce Lend me your grey mare. 

No! You never returned my lawnmower. 

Girl I Left Behind Me 

(lyrics Samuel Lover, tune Brighton Camp pub. 1791 in Ireland 

as The Spailpin Fanach) 

I'm lonesome since I crossed the hill and o'er the moor and valley 

Such grievious thoughts my heart do fill since parting with my Sally 

I seek no more the fine or gay for each doth but remind me 

How swift the hours did pass away with the girl I left behind me 

Oh, ne'er shall I forget the night the stars were bright above me 

And gently lent their silv'ry light when first she vowed to love me 

But now I'm bound to Brighton camp kind Heaven thence pray guide me 

And send me safely back again to the girl I left behind me

Girl I Left Behind Me (tune Brighton Camp ) 

I'm lonesome since I cross'd the hills, and o'er the moor that's sedgy; 

With heavy thoughts my mind is filled since I parted with our Peggy 

Whene'er I return to view the place the tears do fall and blind me, 

When I think on the charming grace of the girl I left behind me 

But now I'm bound to Brighton Camp kind heaven, then, pray guide me, 

And send me safely back again to the girl I've left behind me. 

Oh, the black cat piddled in the white cat's eye 

And the white cat said, "Cor Blimey 

And the black cat said, "You silly sod, 

You shouldn't stand behind me!" 

There ain't no hairs on our cat's tail There ain't no hairs on Tiny 

But I know where there's lots of hair, On the girl I left behind me 

Girt Great ‘erd of Cows (lyrics-Bonny Sartin`s Juggernaut, tune 

Brighton Camp)) 

Now lorry drivers are a breed apart whose skill is highly rated 

Especially if their vehicle is articulated 

But the largest juggernaut that Parliament allows 

Is not when you compare it with me gurt big ‘erd of cows 

Ch.Tis 100 yards from nose to tail and goes at a steady amble 

It blocks the road completely and I steers it with a bramble. 

Now bicyclists be awful pests, they tries to be persistent 

They swerve their cycles in and out and think that we have missed ‘em 

But when they move along the side against the shapely rear 

She swings it with precision and they end up on their ear. 

Now motor cyclists are the worst of all the road mis-users 

I took a while to find a trick to make them come out losers 

But dear old Nell she stops them dead and makes them feel a silly ‘un 

Cos they can’t move,go either way with a cow sat on the pillion. 

And when all they that’s late for work comes roaring round the bend 

They slams their brakes on furiously and stands the car on end 

They say the road is meant for cars and I should not be on it 

So Betsy lifts her tail up high and decorates the bonnet. 

Goldfish (tune: Oh God Our Hope in Ages Past) 

I bought this fish a month ago 

It cost me twenty pound 

It just swims round and round 

And round and round 

Ch. And round and round 

And round and round 

And round and round and round 

And round and round and round 

And round and round and round. 

It doesn’t quack or bark or chirp 

It doesn’t make a sound…. 

Just then my goldfish tried to yawn 

The silly bugger drowned 

And drowned a 

and drowned etc 

Good Ale / Ale, You Are My Darling (trad.) 

It's of good ale to you I'll sing 

And to good ale I'll always cling 

I like my cup filled to the brim 

And I'll drink all you care to bring 

Oh good ale, you are my darling 

You are my joy both night and morning 

It's you that helps me with my work. 

And from tasks I'll never shirk 

While I can get a good home brew 

And better than one pint I like two 

I love you in the early morn, 

I love you daylight, dark or dawn 

And when I'm weary, worn or spent 

It's turn the tap and ease the vent 

It's you that makes my friends and foes. 

It's you that makes me wear old clothes 

But since you come so near my nose 

It's up you comes and down you goes 

And if all my friends from Adam's race 

Were to meet me here all in this place 

I could part from all without one fear 

Before I'd part from my good beer 

And if my wife should me despise 

How soon I'd give her two black eyes 

But if she loved me like I love thee 

What a happy couple we should be 

You've caused me debts and I've often swore, 

I never would drink strong ale no more 

But you for all that I'll forgive 

And I'll drink strong ale as long as I live. 

Good Luck To The Barley Mow (trad.) 

36 

Here’s Good luck to the Pint pot 

Good luck to the Barley Mo’ 

Jolly good luck to the Pint Pot 


Oh the Pint-Pot, Half a Pint, 

Gill-pot, Half a Gill, Quarter Gill, 

Nipperkin, Pipperkin, and the Brown Bowl 

Here’s good Luck, Good luck to the Barley Mo’ 

Here’s Good luck to the Quart pot 


Jolly good luck to the Quart Pot 


Oh the Quart-pot, Pint-Pot, Half a Pint, 




Here’s Good luck to the Half Gallon 


Jolly good luck to the Half Gallon 


Oh the Half-Gallon, Quart-pot, Pint-Pot, Half a 

Pint, 



Here’s good Luck, Good luck to the Barley Mo’

Good Luck To The Barley Mow (cont.) 

Here’s Good luck to the Gallon 


Jolly good luck to the Gallon 


Oh the Gallon, Half-Gallon, 

Quart-pot, Pint-Pot,Half a Pint, 




Here’s Good luck to the Half Barrel 


Jolly good luck to the Half Barrel 


Oh the half-Barrel, Gallon, Half-Gallon, 

Quart-pot, Pint-Pot, Half a Pint, 




Here’s Good luck to the Barrel 


Jolly good luck to the Barrel 


Oh the Barrel, half-Barrel, 

Gallon, Half-Gallon, Quart-pot, 

Pint-Pot, Half a Pint, 



Here’s good Luck, Good luck to the Barley Mo 

Green and Yeller (trad.) 

Where have you been all the day, Henry my son? 

Where have you been all the day, my currant bun? 

In the woods, dear mother. In the woods, dear mother 

Mother be quick I got to be sick and lay me down to die. 

What did you do in the woods all day, Henry my boy? 

What did you do in the woods all day, my saveloy? 

Ate, dear mother. Ate, dear mother. Mother be quick 

I got to be sick and lay me down to die. 

What did you eat in the woods all day, Henry my son? 

What did you eat in the woods all day, my pretty one? 

Eels, dear mother. Eels, dear mother. Mother be quick 


What color were those eels, Henry my boy? 

What color were those eels, my pride and joy 

Green and yeller. Green and yeller. Mother be quick 


Those eels were snakes, Henry my son. 

Those eels were snakes, my pretty one. 

Urgh, dear mother. Urgh, dear mother. Mother be quick 


What color flowers do you want on your grave etc. 

Green and yeller etc. 

Granny’s Old Armchair (John Read 1871, ad. Fred Crumit 1929) 

Well me grandmother she at the age of eighty three 

Fell sick upon the bed and then her died. 

And after she was dead the will of course was read 

By the lawyer as we all sat by his side. 

To me brother we found she left a hundred pounds 

And likewise to me sisters I declare 

But when it came to me the lawyer said 

I see she’s only left you her old armchair. 

Ch. How they tittered, how they chaffed 

How me brothers and me sisters laughed 

When they heard the lawyer declare 

Granny’s only left you her old armchair. 

Well I hardly thought it fair but I said I didn’t care 

And in the evening took the chair away 

How the neighbours chaffed and me brother he laughed 

But said twould come in useful someday. 

When you settle down in life and find yourself a wife 

You’ll find it very handy I declare 

On a cold and stormy night, with the fire burning bright 

You can sit her in the old armchair. 

What me brother said was true for in a year or two 

I settled down in married life 

First the girl I caught and then the ring I bought 

And so I took to the church to be me wife. 

Now me wife and me are as happy as can be 

And in the evening when me work is done I never like to roam, 

I prefer to stay at home sitting in me old armchair. 

One night the chair fell down, when I picked it up 

I found the seat had fallen down upon the floor. 

And there to my surprise, right before me eyes 

Was a lot o notes a thousand pound or more. 

When me brother ‘eard of this, the fellar I confess 

Went nearly mad with rage and tore his hair. 

But I only looked at him and said unto him 

Jim don’t you wish you had me old armchair. 

Green grow the rushes, (trad.) 

I'll sing you one, O Green grow the rushes, O 

What is your one, O? One is one and all alone. 

And evermore shall be so. 

I'll sing you two, O Green grow the rushes, O 

What are your two, O? Two, two, lily-white boys, 

Clothed all in green, ho ho 

One is one and all alone. And evermore shall be so. 

I'll sing you three, O Green grow the rushes, O 

What are your three, O? Three, three, the rivals, 

Two, two, lily-white boys, Clothed all in green, O 

One is one and all alone And evermore shall be so. 

I'll sing you four, O Green grow the rushes, O 

What are your four, O? Four for the Gospel makers, 

Three, three, the rivals, Two, two, lily-white boys, 

Clothed all in green, ho ho 

One is one and all alone And evermore shall be so. 

I'll sing you five-Five for the symbols at your door, 

I'll sing you six O – proud walkers 

Seven O – seven for the seven stars in the sky 

Eight O - April Rainers 

Nine O – Nine bright shiners 

Ten O – Ten Commandments 

Eleven O –Eleven who went to heaven 

Twelve O – Twelve Apostles. 

37

Gypsy Rover (trad) 

Hal an Tow – HELSTON (traditional) 

Take the scorn and wear the horn, it was the crest when you were born 

Your father's father wore it, and your father wore it to 

Hal an tow, jolly rumbalo 

We were up long before the day o 

To welcome in the summer 

To welcome in the may o 

For summer is a comin in 

And winter's gone away o 

Robin Hood and Little John have both gone to the fair o 

And we will to the merry green wood to hunt the buck and hare o 

What happened to the Spaniards who made so great a boast o 

It's they shall eat the feathered goose and we shall eat the roast o 

God bless Aunt Mary Moses in all her power and might o 

Send us peace to England, send peace by day and night o 

A gypsy rover came over the hill 

Down through the valley so shady. 

He whistled and he sang 'til the green woods rang 

And he won the heart of a lady. 

Ah-dee-doo-ah-dee-doo-dah-day 

Ah-dee-doo-ah-dee-day-dee 

He whistled and he sang 'til the green woods rang 

And he won the heart of a lady. 

She left her father's castle gate. 

She left her own fine lover. 

She left her servants and her state 

To follow her gypsy rover. 

She left behind her velvet gown 

And shoes of Spanish leather 

They whistled and they sang 'till the green woods 

rang 

As they rode off together 

Last night, she slept on a goose feather bed 

With silken sheets for cover 

Tonight she'll sleep on the cold, cold ground 

Beside her gyspy lover 

Her father saddled up his fastest stead 

And roamed the valley all over. 

Sought his daughter at great speed 

And the whistlin' gypsy rover. 

He came at last to a mansion fine 

Down by the river Claydee. 

And there was music and there was wine 

For the gypsy and his lady. 

"Have you forsaken your house and home? 

Have you forsaken your baby? 

Have you forsaken your husband dear 

For a whistling gypsy rover?" 

"He is no gypsy, my Father," she cried 

"but Lord of these lands all over. 

And I shall stay 'til my dying day 

with my whistlin' gypsy rover." 

Hanging Johnny (trad) 

Well, they call me Hangin' Johnny 

Away boys, away 

Well, I never hanged nobody 

And it's hang boys, hang 

Well, first I hanged me mother 

Away boys, away 

Me sister and me brother 

And it's hang boys, hang 

A rope, a beam, a ladder.... 

I hung them altogether... 

Well, next I hanged me granny 

And then the Holy Family..... 

Well, I never hangs for money 

It's just that hanging's so bloody funny 

I hung my sister Nancy..... 

Because I took a fancy..... 

They call me hanging Johnny; 

But I never hung nobody.... 

I'd hang a noted liar; 

I'd hang a bloated friar. 

I'd hang all wrong and folly; 

And hang to make things jolly. 

Come hang and sway together; 

And hang for finer weather. 

They call me hanging Johnny; 

But I never hung nobody. 

38

Happy Birthday! 

Happy birthday to you 

Though you make us all stew 

Get plastered you bastard 


May you live hundred years 

May you drink million beers 




Though you make us all stew 



Why was he born so beautiful? 

Why was he born at all? 

He`s no b------ use to anyone 

He`s no b------ use at all. 

Happy Man (trad.) 

How happy's that man that's free from all care 

That loves to make merry, that loves to make merry 

O'er a drop of good beer 

With his pipe and his friends puffing hours away 

Singing song after song 'till he hails the new day 

He can laugh, dance and sing and smoke without 

fear, 

Be as happy as a king 'till he hails a new year. 

How happy's the man that's free from all strife 

He envies no other, he envies no other 

But travels through life 

Our seaman of old, they fear not their foes 

They throw away discord, they throw away discord 

And to mirth they're inclined 

Hard Times Of Old England (trad.) 

Come all brother tradesmen that travel alone, 

O pray, come and tell me where the trade is all gone. 

Long time I have travelled and cannot find none, 

And it's Oh, the hard times of old England, 

In old England, very hard times. 

Provisions you buy at the shop, it is true, 

But if you've no money there's none there for you. 

So what's a poor man and his family to do, 

If you go to a shop and you ask for a job, 

They will answer you there with a shake and a nod. 

That's enough to make a poor man to turn out and rob, 

You will see the poor tradesmen a-walking the street, 

From morning to night for employment to seek. 

And scarcely they have any shoes on their feet, 

Our soldiers and sailors have just come from war, 

Been fighting for their King and country sure, 

Come home to be starved: should have stayed where they were, 

And now to conclude and to finish my song, 

Let us hope that these hard times they will not last long, 

And soon I’ll have occasion to alter my song, 

Here`s Health to the Company (trad. ar. Brobdingian Bards) 

Kind friends and companions, come join me in rhyme 

Come lift up your voices in chorus with mine 

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain 

For we may and might never all meet here again 

Here's a health to the company and one to my lass 

Let us drink and be merry all out of one glass 

Let us drink and be merry, all grief to refrain 

For we may and might never all meet here again 

Here's a health to the dear lass that I love so well 

Her style and her beauty, sure none can excel 

There's a smile upon her countenance as she sits on my knee 

Sure there's no one in in this wide world as happy as we 

Our ship lies at harbor, she's ready to dock 

I hope she's safe landed without any shock 

If ever we should meet again by land or by sea 

I will always remember your kindness to me 

Hearts Of Oak (trad.) 

Come cheer up me lads, 'tis to glory we steer, 

To add something more to this wonderful year, 

To honour we call you, as free men not slaves, 

For who are so free as the sons of the waves? 

Hearts of oak are our ships, jolly tars are our men, 

We always are ready. Steady, boys, steady, 

We'll fight and we'll conquer again and again. 

We ne'er see our foes b ut we wish them to stay; 

They never see us b ut they wish us away. 

If they run, why, we follow, and run them ashore, 

For if they won't fight us, what can we do more? 

We'll still make them fear, & we'll still make them flee, 

& drub 'em on shore, as we've drubbed them at sea; 

Then cheer up me lads, with one heart let us sing, 

Our soldiers, our sailors, our statesmen and King. 

Hello Missus (ed. tune Hello Mudder) 

Hello Missus hello farters, 

At this Ring Meeting, I`m a martyr, 

Toxic toilets, fumes not waning, 

But they say they`ll be fresh air when they`ve got 

drains in! 

Drinking Morlands seems quite wreckless, 

And we`re all now nearly legless. 

You remember Leonard Skinner 

He got alcohol poisoning last night after dinner. 

We`re all letching for a waitress 

Dropping cutlery she retrieves`s. 

She ignores us, keeping busy 

But one squire declined the sight `cos he`s a sissy! 

Now I don`t want this to scare ya 

In his hot quilt he`s quite bare-yeh. 

We have named him Ivor Hardy 

After last night`s dawn excursion to the kazi! 

39

Hello Missus (cont.) 

Take me home, no more a martyr, 

I can`t sleep from all the farters. 

Don`t leave me-that squire`s begun to stare 

I might get eaten by him bare! 

Take me home I promise I will not make noise 

When I return with all the boys. 

Oh please take me away 

I`ve been here one whole day! 

Hello sweetheart, darling missus 

You`re so precious, you`re delicious. 

Let me come home if you miss me. 

I will even let you`re mother hug and kiss me! 

Wait a minute, it`s started pouring 

Won`t be dancing in the morning. 

In a tavern with a beverage. 

So my dearest missus disregard this message! 

Hello Muddah (Alan Sherman) 

Hello Muddah, hello Faddah 

Here I ameth Camp Granada. 

It is very entertaining 

And they say we’ll have some fun if it stops raining! 

I went hiking with Joe Spring, 

He developed Poison Ivy. 

You remember Leonard Skinner. 

He got Toe Main Poisoning last night after dinner. 

All the councillors hate the waiters 

And the camp has Alligators. 

And the Head Coach wants no cissys 

So he reads to us from something called Ulysses. 

Now I don’t want this to scare you, 

But my bunk mate has Malaria. 

You remember Jeffrey Hardy. 

They’re about to organise a searching party. 

Ref: Take me home o Muddah Faddah 

Take me home I hate Granada 

Don’t leave me I’ll end up as a square 

I might get eaten by a bear 

Take me home I promise I will not make noise 

Or mess the house with other boys 

O please don’t make me stay 

I’ve been here one whole day! 

Dearest Faddah, darling Muddah, 

How’s my precious little Brother. 

Let me come home if you miss me. 

I will even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me. 

Wait a minute, it’s stopped hailing, 

Guys are swimming, guys are sailing 

Playing baseball, G that’s better. 

Muddah Faddah kindly disregard this letter! 

A nd now I have come to the crux of my tale. 

At first he turned red, then he turned pale, 

Then he offered a prayer, for prayers never fail, 

So 'tis sai, for payers never fail.. 

Of the truth of this tale, there is no doubt at all. 

The Lord heard his prayer and He answered his call: 

Though he let go the hat, the hat didn't fall. 

A blessed miracle! The hat didn`t fall. 

Hell's Angel (lyrics Wild Biker, tune Wild Rover) 

I've been a Hell's Angel for many's the year 

And I've spent all me money on black leather gear 

Me bike is all rusty and I'm saddle sore 

And I never will play the Hell's Angel no more! 

I went into a bikeshop I used to frequent 

And I told the mechanic me camshaft was bent 

I asked for a new one, he answered "No Way!" 

Yer bike is a Honda - we stock BSA!" 

I took from me pocket me Hitler Youth knife 

And his eyes opened wide as he fled for his life 

Saying "I was just joking, take whatever you like!" 

I said "Ta very much, mate, I'll have a new bike!" 

This bike needed greasing before I could ride 

So I took it and lay underneath it outside 

But I'd only just started when in from of me eyes 

I saw two great big jackboots with black shiny toes! 

And now , as I lie here - both legs in a cast 

That's the first fight I've had and I swear its me last! 

And when I get out of the intensive care ward 

Sure I never will play the hell's angel no more! 

The Hermit (tune from Digital Tradition) 

A hermit once lived in a beautiful dell, 

And it is no legend, this story I tell, 

So my father declared, who knew him quite well, 

The hermit he knew him quite well. 

He lived in a cave by the side of the lake, 

Decoctions of herbs for his health he would take, 

And only of fish could this good man partake 

On Friday could this man partake. 

And most of his time he spent in repose. 

Once a year he would bathe both his body and clothes. 

How the lake ever stood it, the Lord only knows, 

And He won't tell, the Lord only knows 

One day as he rose, dripping and wet, 

His horrified vision three pretty girls met; 

In matters of gallantry, he wasn't a vet, 

So he blushed, he wasn’t a vet. 

He grabbed up his hat that lay on the beach, 

And covered up all that its wide brim would reach, 

Then he cried to the girls in a horrified screech, 

``Go away,'' in a horrified screech. 

But the girls only laughed at his pitiful plight, 

And begged him to show them the wonderful sight, 

But he clung to his hat with all of his might 

To hide it, with all of his might. 

But just at this moment a villainous gnat 

Made the hermit forget just where he was at. 

He struck at the insect, and let go of the hat -- 

`Òh, horrors!'' let go of the hat. 

40

He’s Got No Faloodurum / Maids When You`re 

Young (trad.) 

An old man came courting me 

Hey do a dority 


Me being young 


All for to marry me 

Maids when you're young never wed an old man 

For he's got no faloodorum, fadidledo doorum 

For he's got no faloodoorum, fadidleday 

He's got no faloorum, he's lost his ding doorum 

So maids when you're young, never wed an old man 

Now when we went to the church, hey do a dority 

When we went to the church, me being young 

When we went to the church, he left me in the lurch 

Maids when you're young, never wed an old man 

Now when we went to our bed, hey do a dority 

Now when we went to our bed, me being young 

When we went to our bed, he neither done nor said 

Maids when you're young never wed an old man 

Now when he went to sleep, hey do a dority 

Now when we went to sleep, me being young 

When we went to sleep, out of bed I did creep 

Into the arms of a handsome young man 

And I found his falodoorum, fa didle dodoorum 

I found his faloodoorum, fa didle all day 

I found his falodoorum and he got my dingdoorum 

so maids when you're young never wed an old man 

Hi Ho Silver Lining (Scott English & Larry Weiss) 

You’re ev’rywhere and nowhere baby 

That’s where you’re at 

Rolling down a bumpy hillside 

In your hippy hat. 

Flying across the country 

And getting fat 

Saying ev’rything is groovy 

When your tyres are flat. 

And it’s Hi, Ho silver lining 

And away you go now baby 

I see the sun ain’t shining 

But I won’t make a fuss 

Though it’s obvious. 

Flies are in your pea-soup baby 

They’re waving at me 

Anything you want is yours now 

Only nothin’ is free, 

Lies are going to get you some day 

Just wait and see 

So put up your beach umbrella 

While you’re watchin’ T.V. 

And it’s Hi, Ho silver lining 

And away you go now baby 

I see the sun ain’t shining 

But I won’t make a fuss 

Though it’s obvious 

And it’s Hi, Ho silver lining & away you go now baby 

I see the sun ain’t shining but I won’t make a fuss 

Though it’s obvious 

He’s Got the Whole World in His Hand (trad.) 

He's got the whole world in His hand. 

The whole wide world in His hand. 

(He's got the whole world in His hand)X2 

(He's got you and me brother, in his hand)X3. 

He's got the whole world in his hand. 

(He's got you and me sister, in his hand) X3. 


(He's got the little bitty babies in his hand) X3. 


(He’’s got everybody here in his hand) X3. 


Hippopotamus Song 

(Flanders and Swan) 

A bold hippopotamus was standing one day, 

On the banks of the cool Shalimar. 

He gazed at the bottom as it peacefully lay 

By the light of the evening star. 

Away on a hilltop, sat brushing her hair 

His fair hippopotamine maid. 

The hippopotamus was no ignoramus 

And sang her this sweet serenade. 

cho: Mud, mud, glorious mud, 

Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood. 

So follow me, follow, down to the hollow 

And there let us wallow in glorious mud. 

The fair hippopotama he aimed to entice 

From that seat on the hilltop above. 

As she hadn't got a ma to give her advice 

Came tiptoeing down to her love. 

Like thunder the forest reechoed the sound 

Of the song that they sang as they met. 

His inamorata adjusted her garter 

And lifted her voice in duet. 

Then more hippopotami began to convene 

On the banks of that river so wide. 

I wonder now what am I to say of the scene 

That ensued by the Shalimar side. 

They all dived at once with an ear-splitting "Splosh" 

Then rose to the surface again. 

A regular army of hippopotami 

All singing this haunting refrain. 

The Holly and The Ivy (trad.) 

The holly and the ivy, 

When they are both full grown. 

Of all the trees are in the wood 

The holly bears the crown. 

Ch. Oh, the rising of the sun and the running of the 

deer, 

The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the 

choir. 

The holly bears a blossom, 

As white as the lily flower, 

And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ, 

To be our sweet Saviour. 

41

The Holly and The Ivy (cont.) 

The holly bears a berry, 

As red as any blood, 


To do poor sinners good 

Ch. Oh, the rising of the sun & the running of the deer, 

The playing of the merry organ, 

sweet singing in the choir. 

The holly bears a prickle, 

As sharp as any thorn, 


On Christmas Day in the morn. 

The holly bears a bark, 

As bitter as any gall, 


For to redeem us all. 

The holly and the ivy, 

When they are both full grown. 

Of all the trees are in the wood 

The holly bears the crown. 

Home Boys, Home (trad.) 

And it's home, boys, home; home I'd like to be 

Home for a while in me own count-a-rie 

Where the oak and the ash and the bonnie rowan tree 

Are all a-growing green in the North Count-a-rie 

I am a sailor as sailed the ocean blue 

I gained the good will of the captain and the crew 

I tied up in harbour one night for to lie 

And that was the beginning of me one true love and I 

I asked her for a candle for to light me up to bed 

And likewise for a hankerchief to tie around my head 

She waited on me like a fair maid should do 

So I gave her the wink for to jump into bed too 

She jumped into bed, for to keep herself so warm 

Not thinking that a sailor lad would do her any harm 

He kissed her and cuddled her and bid her draw near 

Till she wished the short night had been seven year 

Early next morning the sailor lad arose 

And into her apron threw a handful of gold 

Saying, Take this oh take this for what I have done 

For tonight I fear I've left you with a daughter or a son 

Well, if it be a girl child, send her out to nurse 

With gold in her pocket and with silver in her purse 

And if it be a boy child, he'll wear the jacket blue 

And go climbing up the rigging like his daddy used to do 

Come all of you fair maidens, a warning take by me 

And never let a sailor lad an inch above your knee 

For I trusted one and he beguiled me 

He left me with a pair of twins to dangle on my knee 

Holy Ground (trad.) 

Adieu my fair young maiden, 

A thousand times adieu 

We must bid farewell to the Holy Ground 

And the girls that we love true 

We will sail the salt sea over 

And return again for sure 

To seek the girls who wait for us 

In the Holy Ground once more. 

42 

Ch. Fine girl you are. You’re the girl that I adore 

& still I live in hopes to see the Holy Ground once more 

Fine girl you are. 

Oh the night was dark and stormy, 

You scarce could see the moon 

And our good ship was tossed about 

And her rigging was all torn. 

With her seams agape and leaky 

With her timbers dozed and old 

And still I live in hopes 

To see the Holy Ground once more 

Holmfirth Anthem / Pretty Flowers (trad.) 

Abroad for pleasure as I was a-walking, 

It was on a summer, summer calm and clear 

Abroad for pleasure as I was a-walking, 

It was on a summer, summer calm and clear 

There I beheld a most beautiful damsel, 

lamenting for her shepherd swain 

Lamenting for her shepherd swain 

The fairest evening that ere I beheld thee, 

ever more with the lad I adore 

The fairest evening that ere I beheld thee, 

ever more with the lad I adore 

Wilt thou go fight the French and Spaniard, 

wilt thou leave me thus my dear 

Wilt thou leave me thus my dear 

No more to yon green banks will I take me, 

With pleasure for to rest myself and view the lambs 

No more to yon green banks will I take me, 

With pleasure for to rest myself and view the lambs 

But I will take me to yon green gardens, 

Where them pretty flowers grow 

Where them pretty pretty flowers grow 

Home on the Range (trad.) 

Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam 

Where the deer and the antelope play 

Where seldom is heard a discouraging word 

And the skies are not cloudy all day. 

Ch. Home, home on the range, 

Where the deer and the antelope play; 

Where seldom is heard a discouraging word, 

And the skies are not cloudy all day. 

Where the air is so pure and the zephyrs so free 

And the breezes so balmy and light. 

Oh I would not exchange my home on the range 

For all of the cities so bright. 

How often at night when the heavens are bright, 

With the light of the glimmering stars, 

How I stood there amazed and I asked as I gazed 

If their glory exceeds that of ours.

I'm My Own Grandpa (Guy Lombardo) 

Now many many years ago when I was twenty-three 

I was married to a widow who was pretty as can be 

This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red 

My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed 

ch. 

Oh I'm my own grandpa 

I'm my own granpa 

It sounds funny I know, 

But it really is so 

Oh I'm my own grandpa 

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life 

My daughter was my mother 'cause she was my father's wife 

To complicate the matter even though it brought me joy 

I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy 

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad 

And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad 

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him br'ther 

Of the widow's grown-up daughter who was also my stepmother 

Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run 

And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son 

My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue 

Because altho' she is my wife, she's my grandmother too 

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild 

And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild 

For now I have become the strangest case I ever saw 

As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa 

I belong to Glasgow (Will Fyffe in 1927) 

I've been wi' a couple o' cronies, 

One or two pals o' my ain 

We went in a hotel, 

And we did very well, 

And then we came out once again 

Then we went into anither, 

And that is the reason I'm fu' 

We had six deoch-an-doruses, then sang a chorus, 

Just listen, I'll sing it to you: 

Chorus: 

I belong to Glasgow, dear old Glasgow town 

But what's the matter wi' Glasgow, 

for it's goin' roun' and roun' 

I'm only a common old working chap, 

as anyone here can see, 

But when I get a couple o' drinks on a Saturday, 

Glasgow belongs to me! 

There's nothing in keeping your money, 

And saving a shilling or two 

If you've nothing to spend, 

Then you've nothing to lend, 

Why that's all the better for you 

There no harm in taking a drappie, 

It ends all your trouble and strife 

It gives ye the feeling that when you get home, 

You don't give a hang for the wife! 

I Got It From Agnes (Tom Lehrer) 

I love my friends and they love me 

We're just as close as we can be 

And just because we really care 

Whatever we get, we share! 

I got it from Agnes 

She got it from Jim 

We all agree it must have been him 

Louise who gave it to him 

Now she got it from Harry 

Who got it from Marie 

And ev'rybody knows that Marie 

Got it from me 

Giles got it from Daphne 

She got it from Joan 

Who picked it up in County Cork 

A-kissin' the Blarney Stone 

Pierre gave it to Shiela 

Who must have brought it there 

He got it from Francois and Jacques 

Aha, lucky Pierre! 

Max got it from Edith 

Who gets it ev'ry spring 

She got it from her Daddy 

Who just gives her ev'rything 

She then gave it to Daniel 

Whose spaniel has it now 

Our dentist even got it 

And we're still wondering how 

But I got it from Agnes 

Or maybe it was Sue 

Or Millie or Billie or Gillie or Willie 

It doesn't matter who 

It might have been at the pub 

or at the club, or in the loo 

And if you will be my friend, then I might ... 

(Mind you, I said & quot; might & quot; ...) 

Give it to you 

I Got Married Last Friday (tune: Side By Side) 

I got married last Friday 

Had me wife there beside me 

The guests had gone home 

We were alone side by side. 

We went straight into bed then 

I nearly fell over dead when 

Her teeth and her hair 

She placed on a chair side by side. 

Her little glass eye to follow 

Her wooden leg so small 

Along with other attachments 

She placed on the chair by the wall. 

I was so broken hearted 

From most of me wife I was parted 

So I slept on the chair 

There was more of her there side by side. 

43

I Painted Her 

I painted her 

Down the belly and up the back 

Every nook and every crack 

I painted her 

Down in Drury Lane 

I painted her old Tomato 

Over and over again! 

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus 

(Tommie Connor) 

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus 

Underneath the mistletoe last night 

She didn't see me creep 

Down the stairs to have a peek 

She thought that I was tucked up 

In my Bedroom fast asleep 

Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus 

Underneath his beard so snowy white 

What a laugh it would have been 

If daddy had only seen 

Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night. 

Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night. 

I Saw Mommy KO Santa Claus 

(Phil Alexander parody) 

I saw mommy KO Santa Claus 

When he came in from the pub last night 

Then she told him, Hey you stink 

And she said he smelled of drink 

And stank the room 

With cheap perfume 

From the barmaid down the Pink (& Lilly) 

I saw mommy's knee in Santa's nuts 

And you know it's really sad I did 

And as Santa flew away 

He passed by passed out on his sleigh 

When I saw mommy hitting Santa Claus last night 

Mommy hitting Santa Claus last night! 

I’ll Go Enlist For A Sailor/Unfortunate Tailor (trad) 

List, oh list, to my sorrowful lay, 

Attention give to my song I pray, 

And when you've heard it all you'll say 

That I'm "an unfortunate tailor." 

I once was as happy as a bird on a tree, 

My Sarah was all in the world to me, 

But I'm cut out by a "son of the sea" 

She has left me here to bewail her. 

O why did Sarah serve me so? 

No more will I stitch, no more will I sew, 

My thimble and my needle to the winds I'll throw, 

And go and enlist for a sailor. 

I'm Looking Over My Dead Dog Rover 

(tune: I`m Looking Over a Four-leaved Clover) 

I'm looking over my dead dog Rover, 

That I over-ran with the mower. 

One leg is missing the other is gone. 

The third one is scattered all over the lawn. 

No need explaining the one remaining 

It's splattered on the kitchen door. 

I'm looking over my dead dog rover, 

That I over-ran with the mower. 

I'm looking over my dead dog Rover 

That I overlooked before 

One leg is broken, the other is maimed, 

The third I ran over with my CoCo Puff train. 

No use explaining, the parts remaining, 

They're mangled beyond repair. 

I'm looking over my dead Dog Rover 

That I overlooked, (Big finish) 

That I overlooked, 

That I overlooked before. 

Immanuel Kant (Monty Python) 

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant 

Who was very rarely stable, 

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar 

Who could think you under the table, 

David Hume could out-consume 

Schopenhauer and Hegel, 

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine 

Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. 

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 

'Bout the turning of the wrist, 

Socrates himself was permanently pissed... 

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, 

With half a pint of shandy was particularly ill, 

Plato, they say, could stick it away, 

Half a crate of whiskey every day, 

Aristotle, Aristotle was a beggar for the bottle, 

Hobbes was fond of his dram, 

And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart, 

"I drink therefore I am." 

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed; 

A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed 

In the Old Bazaar In Cairo 

(Charlie Chester / K. Morris / Clinton Ford) 

Sand bags, wind bags, camels with a hump, 

Fat girls, thin girls, some a little plump, 

Slave girls sold here, fifty bob a lump, 

In the old bazaar in Cairo. 

Brandy, shandy, beer without a froth, 

Braces, laces, a candle for the moth. 

Bet you'd look a smasher in an old loin cloth, 


You can buy most anything, 

Thin bulls, fat cows, a little bit of string, 

You can purchase anything you wish, 

A clock, a dish & something for your Auntie Nellie, 

44

In the Old Bazaar in Cairo (cont.) 

Harem, scarem, what d'ya think of that, 

Bare knees, striptease, dancing on the mat, 

Umpa! Umpa! That's enough of that, 


Rice pud, very good, what's it all about, 

Made it in a kettle and they couldn't get it out, 

Everybody took a turn to suck it through the spout, 


Come and buy, you can try everything in style, 

Genuine, beduine carpet with a pile, 

Funny little odds and ends floating down the Nile, 

From the old bazaar in Cairo. 

You can buy most anything, 

Sheeps eyes, sand pies, a watch without a spring, 

You can buy a pomegranate too, 

A water-bag, a little bit of hokey pokey, 

Yashmaks, pontefracts, what a strange affair, 

Dark girls, fair girls, some with ginger hair, 

This could get quite seedy but they censor it out there, 


In the Shade of the Old Apple Tree 

(v1 Harry Williams / Egbert Van Alstyne, v2 1906 by Billy 

Murray a parody like the rest) 

In the shade of the old apple tree 

Where the love in your eyes I could see 

When the voice that I heard, like the song of the bird 

Seem'd to whisper sweet music to me 

I could hear the dull buzz of the bee 

In the blossoms as you said to me 

With a heart that is true, I'll be waiting for you 


So I climbed up the old apple tree 

For a pie was a real thing to me 

She stood down below 

With her apron spread "so" 

To catch all the apples, you see 

It looked like a picnic for me 

But just then the limb broke; holy gee! 

And I broke seven bones 

And half-killed Maggie Jones 


'Neath the crust of the old apple pie 

There is something for you and for I 

It may be a pin that the cook has left in 

Or it may be a wee little fly 

Oh, it may be an old rusty nail 

Or a piece of the puppy dog's tail 

But whate'er it may be, it's for you and for me 

'Neath the crust of the old apple pie 

They'd go out 'neath the old apple tree 

Me folks cos there`s more room you see 

Then maw would start in with a big rolling pin 

And beat father 'til he couldn't see, 

In the fight they upset the bee hive 

And they found that them bees were alive 

They didn't sting paw 

Those bees they stung maw 

In the shade of the old apple tree. 

Irish Ballad/Rickety Tickety Tin (Tom Lehrer) 

About a maid I'll sing this song sing rickety tickety tin 

... who did not have her family long 

Not only did she do them wrong. 

She did everyone of them in. 

Them in. She did every one of them in 

One morning in a fit of pique sing rickety tickety tin 

... she drowned her father in the creek 

The water tasted bad for a week 

And we had to make do with gin 

With gin. We had to make do with gin 

Her mother she could never stand sing rickety tickety tin 

... stand and so a cyanide soup she planned 

The mother died with a spoon in her hand 

And her face in a hideous grin 

A grin. Her face in a hideous grin 

She set her sisters hair on fire sing rickety tickety tin 

... and as the smoke and flame grew higher 

Danced around the funeral pyre 

Playing a violin 

O-lin. Playing a violin 

She tied her brother down with stones sing rickety tickety tin 

... and sent him off to Davy Jones 

All they ever found were the bones 

And occassional pieces of skin 

Of skin. Occassional pieces of skin 

One day she had nothing to do sing rickety tickety tin 

... she cut her baby brother in two 

Served him up in an Irish stew 

And invited the neighbors in 

-Bors in. Invited the neighbors in. 

When at last the police came by sing rickety tickety tin 

... these terrible deeds she did not deny 

To do so she would have to lie 

And lying she knew was a sin 

A sin. Lying she knew was a sin 

My tragic tale I won't prolong sing rickety tickety tin 

45 

My tragic tale I won`t prolong... and if you did not enjoy this song 

You've yourself to blame for letting me go on: You should never 

have let me begin, begin. You should never have let me begin!

It's a Great Big Shame (Edgar Bateman) 

I've lost my pal, 'e's the best in all the tahn, 

But don't you fink 'im dead, beco's 'e ain't. 

But since 'e's wed 'e 'as 'ad ter 'nuckle dahn. 

It's e-nuf-ter wax the temper of a saint! 

'e's a brewers dray-man, wiv a leg o' mutton fist, 

An' as strong as a bullick or an 'orse - 

Yet in 'er 'ands 'e's like a little kid - 

Oh! I wish as I could get 'im a divorce. 

It's a great big shame, an' if she belong'd ter me 

I'd let 'er know who's who. 

Naggin at a feller wot is six foot free, 

And her not four foot two! 

Oh! they 'adn't been married not a month nor more, 

When underneath her fumb goes Jim - 

Isn't it a pity as the likes ov 'er 

Should put upon the likes ov 'im? 

Now Jim was class - 'e could sing a decent song, 

And at scrappin' 'e 'ad won some great renown; 

It took two coppers for to make 'im move along, 

And annuver six to 'old the feller dahn. 

But today when I axes would 'e come an' 'ave some beer, 

To the door-step on tip toe 'e arrives; 

"I dare-n't," says 'e - "Don't shout, 'cos sh'll 'ear - 

I've got ter clean the winders an' the knives." 

On a Sunday morn, wiv a dozen pals or more, 

'e'd play at pitch an' toss along the Lea; 

But now she bullies 'im a scrubbin 'o the floor - 

Such a change, - well I never did see. 

Wiv apron on 'im, I twigged 'im on 'is knees - 

A rubbin' up the old 'arf stone; 

Wot wiv emptyin' the ashes and a shellin' of the peas, 

I'm blowed if 'e can call 'is self 'is own! 

It's the Syme the 'Ole World Over (Billy Bennet 1930) 

It's the syme the 'ole world over 

It's the poor wot gets the blyme; 

It`s the rich wot gets the pleasures, 

Ain't it all a bleedin' shyme! 

She was just a farmer's daughter 

Pure, unsullied was 'er nyme 

When a squire came a-courting 

And the poor girl lorst 'er nyme! 

So she made her way to London 

For to hide er grief and shyme 

There she met another squire, 

And she she lorst 'er nyme again. 

See her on the bridge at midnight 

Victim of a blighted troth 

There`s a cry a splash, good èavens 

What is she a doing of? 

Then they dragged her from the river 

Water from her clothes they rang 

And they thought that she was drownded 

But the corpse got up and sang 

Jack, the Carter Lad (traditional) 

My name is Jack, the carter lad 

A jolly cock am I. 

I always am contented 

Be the weather wet or dry. 

I crack me fingers at the snow 

And whistle at the rain, 

And I've braved the storm for many a day 

And can do so again. 

cho: So it's crack, crack, goes me whip 

I whistle and I sing. 

I sit upon me wagon 

I'm as happy as a king. 

My horse is always willing 

And for me, I'm never sad, 

There's none can lead a jollier life 

Nor Jack, the carter lad. 

My father was a carrier 

Many years e'er I was born; 

He used to rise at daybreak 

And go his round each morn. 

He would often take me with him 

Especially in the spring. 

When I loved to sit upon the cart 

And hear me father sing: 

It's now the girls all smile on me 

As I go driving past, 

The horse is such a beauty 

As we jog along so fast. 

We've traveled many a weary miles 

But happy days we've had; 

And there's none can use a horse more kind 

Nor Jack, the carter lad. 

Now friends, I bid you all: Adieu 

'Tis time I was away. 

I know my horse will weary 

If I much longer stay. 

To see your smiling faces here 

It makes me feel quite glad 

And I know you'll grant your kind applause 

To Jack, the carter lad. 

46 

Jenny Wren Bride (trad. tune:My Bonnie Lies Over…) 

I've just come away from the wedding, 

Oh Lord I could laugh till I cried. 

I'll never forget the relations I met 

When I married my Jenny Wren bride. 

Married, married, I married my Jenny Wren bri-iide, 

Married, married, I married my Jenny Wren bride. 

Her father he works in the dockyard, 

Her brother he owns a Marine Store, 

And as for their habits, well talk about rabbits 

They've got half the dockyard ashore.

Jenny Wren Bride (cont.) 

I asked her old man for a dowry, 

He gave me a can of soft soap, 

A bundle of waste and some polishing paste 

And fifty-six fathoms of rope. 

Married, married, I married my Jenny Wren bri-iide, 

Married, married, I married my Jenny Wren bride. 

The present we got from her brother 

Was twenty-four yards of blue jean, 

Her cousin, the crusher, he sent us note-paper, 

Six packets of Service Latrine. 

Her family hung flags in the churchyard 

And they painted the hallway with flatting, 

When out stepped the bride they all piped the side, 

And she tripped on the coconut matting. 

Her wedding-dress, lashed up with spunyarn, 

Was made from an old whaler's sail. 

On top of her head a dishcloth was spread, 

With a spudnet in front for a veil. 

Her petticoat was made out of black hessian, 

Her knickers were made of green baize, 

While for her suspenders she'd a motor-boat's fenders 

And two pusser's gaiters for stays. 

Now most of the church congregation 

Was made up of Wrens on the dole 

While in the back pew sat the six-inch gun's crew 

And half of the standing patrol. 

The parson got up in the pulpit. 

He said, "Who gives this woman away?" 

Then a bloke from the Hood whispered: "Blimey, I could, 

But let every dog have its day." 

Well now, I'm just off on me honeymoon, 

I don't know what happens tonight, 

But I've spoke to a few who declare that they do, 

And they swear she's a bit of all right. 

(Tune: My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean) 

Jolly Joe Marns(Sem Seabourne) 

In the Vale of white Horse there’s a man they all know 

For his music in pubs and in barns, 

He taught us the dances we have in our show 

We’re dancing for Jolly Joe Marns. 

Left foot start 

Foot up twice 

DF 

Cross over belly to belly 

DF 

Back to back and in to line 

DF 

Whole rounds 

DF = Sidestep left, sidestep right, 

caper and clap twice, advance (1 ds) 

jump and signpost, two backsteps to place & jump. 

Jock Stewart (trad.) 

Now, my name is Jock Stewart 

I'm a canny gaun man, 

And a roving young fellow, I've been. 

So be easy and free 

When you're drinkin wi' me. 

I'm a man you don't meet every day. 

I have acres of land; 

I have men at command; 

(And) 

I have always a shilling to spare. 

(And many ) 

Now, I took out my gun, 

With my dog I did shoot, 

All down by the River Kildare 

(banks of the Try) 

I'm a piper by trade 

And a roving young blade 

And many a tune I do play 

Let us catch well the hours 

And the minutes that fly 

And we'll share them together this day 

So, come fill up your glasses 

Of brandy and wine, 

And whatever the cost, I will pay. 

Jingle Bell Rock (Bobby Helms) 

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock 

Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring 

Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun 

Now the jingle hop has begun. 

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock 

Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time 

Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square 

In the frosty air. 

What a bright time, it's the right time 

To rock the night away 

Jingle bell time is a swell time 

To go gliding in a one-horse sleigh 

Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet 

Jingle around the clock 

Mix and a-mingle in the jingling feet 

That's the jingle bell, 

That's the jingle bell, 

That's the jingle bell rock 

47

Jones' Ale (traditional) 

There were three jovial fellows came over the hill together. 

Came over the hill together to make up a jovial crew. 

Ch. And they ordered their pints of beer and bottles of sherry 

To help them over the hills so merry, to help them over the hills so merry, 

When Jones's Ale was new, me boys. When Jones's Ale was new. 

And the first of them was a tinker and he wasn't no small ale drinker. 

He was a jolly beer drinker among this jovial crew. And he called for a pint of the very best ale 

To drink a whole gallon he never would fail. To drink a whole gallon he never would fail, 

When Jones' Ale was new, me boys. When Jones' Ale was new. 

And the next to come in was a soldier with his flintlock upon his shoulder, 

For none could be more bolder. And his long broadsword he drew. 

He swore every man should spend a pound. And they should treat all hands around. 

Then he jolly well drank their healths all 'round 


And the next to come in was a dyer who sat himself down by the fire, 

'Cause that was his desire to make up a jovial crew. 

And the landlady told him straight to his face the chimney corner was his own place, 

And there he could sit and dye his own face, 


And the next to come in was a mason. His hammer needed refacin'. 

His hammer needed refacin' to make up a jovial crew. 

So he threw his old hammer against the wall, And he hoped that the church and the chapel would fall, 

For that'd make work for masons all 


Jug of Punch (trad.) 

And the last to come in was a hatter and there was no man ever fatter. 

No man could ever be fatter and make up a jovial crew. 

When the landlady's daughter, she came in, he kissed her twixt the nose and chin, 

And the pints of beer they came rolling in 


As I was sitting with jug and spoon, 

one fine morn in the month of June 

A birdie sat on an ivy bunch. 

And the song he sang was a jug of punch 

Too ra loo ra loo, too ra loo ra lay…. 

What more diversions can a man desire 

Than to court a girl by a neat turf fire 

With a Kerry Pippin to crack and crunch. 

And on the table a jug of punch 

The learned doctors with all their art 

cannot cure the sadness of the heart 

Even the cripple forgets his hunch 

when he’s safely outside a jug of punch 

And when I’m dead and in my grave 

no costly tombstone will I crave 

Just lay me down in my native peat, 

with a jug of punch at my head and feet 

Lambeth Walk (Noel Gay & Douglas Furber) 

Any time you’re Lambeth Way. 

Any evening any day 

You’ll find us all doing the Lambeth Walk 

Every little Lambeth gal 

With her little Lambeth pal 

You’ll find them all doing the Lambeth Walk 

Everything’s free and easy, 

do as you darn well pleasy 

Why don’t you make your way there. 

Go there, stay there 

Once you get down Lambeth Way 

Every evening, every day 

You’ll find yourself 

Doing the Lambeth Walk 

48

Lamorna (trad.) 

So now I’ll sing to you. It’s about a maiden fair 

I met the other evening at the corner of the square. 

She had a dark and roving eye and another one quite sim’lar. 

She was my date with a rolling gait and a face like Heinrich Himmler. 

‘Twas down in Albert Square I never shall forget 

Her eyes they shone like diamonds 

And the evening it was WET WET WET 

Her hair hung down in curls 

She was a charming rover 

And we rode all night through the pale moonlight 

Way down to Lamorna. 

In the pitch black of the cab as we rode from town to town 

At one time standing up and another sitting down 

The carnal book was long, the heat just like a sauna 

I slung my hook, the carriage shook a way down to Lamorna 

As we go out the cab I asked her for her name 

And when she told it me well mine it was the same 

So I lifted up her veil her face was covered over 

To my surprise it was my wife I took down to Lamorna. 

She said I know you now I’ve known you all along 

I knew you in the dark but I did it for a lark 

And for that lark you’ll pay for the taking of your donor 

You’ll pay the fare for riding there a way down to Lamorna 

(alt.) In the pitch black of the cab I took off my plastic mack 

She first removed my hands but then I put them back 

The carnal book was full though she was a little bit manky 

We slung our hook the carriage shook & I was pleased I had my 

hanky. 

The Lark in the Morning (trad) 

As I was a walking one morning in the spring, 

I heard a sweet damsel so sweetly she did sing. 

And as we were a walking, she unto me did say, 

There's no life like the ploughboy's, all in the month of May. 

The lark in the morning 

She rises from her nest 

And she mounts in the bright air 

With the dew all on her breast 

And with the pretty ploughboy she'll whistle and she'll sing, 

And at night she'll return to her nest back again. 

When the ploughboy has done all that he has to do, 

Perhaps to the country wake a-walking he will go. 

And there with his lassie he'll dance and he'll sing 

And at night they'll return to their home back again. 

And as they return from the wake of the town, 

The meadows being mown and the grass all cut down, 

If they should chance to tumble all on the new mown hay, 

It's kiss me now or never, this pretty maid would say. 

When twenty long weeks was over and past 

Her mammy asked the reason why she'd thickened round the waist 

It was the pretty ploughboy, the damsel she did say, 

He caused me to tumble all on the new mown hay. 

So good luck to the ploughboy, wherever he may be, 

Who likes to have a lassie to sit upon his knee. 

With a jug of good strong ale, he'll whistle and he'll sing 

And the ploughboy is as happy as a prince or a king. 

Three Jolly Coachmen (trad.) 

Three jolly coachmen 

Sat in an English tavern 

Three jolly coachmen 

Sat in an English tavern 

And they decided, x3 

To have another flagon 

Landlord fill the flowing bowl 

Until it doth run over 

Landlord fill the flowing bowl 

Until it doth run over 

For tonight we`ll merry merry be x3 

Tomorrow we'll be sober. 

Here's to the man who drinks small beer 

And goes to bed quite sober 

Here's to the man who drinks small beer 

And goes to bed quite sober 

He fades as the leaves do fade x3 

And drops off in October. 

Here's to the man who drinks strong beer 

And goes to bed quite mellow. 

Here's to the man who drinks strong beer 

And goes to bed quite mellow. 

He lives as he ought to live x3 

And dies a jolly good fellow 

Here's to the maid who steals a kiss 

And runs to tell her mother 

Here's to the maid who steals a kiss 

And runs to tell her mother 

She's a very foolish thing x3 

She'll never get another. 

I wish I had another brick to make my chimney higher x2 

It might stop my little cat x3 

From pissing in the fire. 

Come into th garden maude and don`t be so particular x2 

If the grass is very wet x3 

We`ll do it perpendicular. 

What`s the beer that we likes best? Watneys draft red barrel x2 

We’ll go near or we`ll go far Go by rail or go by car 

Just as long as we have a jar 

Of Watneys draft red barrel 

Ughhhhhh! 

The Laughing Policeman (Charles Penrose) 

I know a fat old policeman, he's always on our street. 

A fat and jolly red-faced man, he really is a treat. 

He's too kind for a policeman, he's never known to frown. 

And everybody says, “He is the happiest man in town!.” 

Ch. Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha ha X4 

He laughs upon point duty, he laughs upon his beat. 

He laughs at everybody when he's walking in the street. 

He never can stop laughing he says he's never tried. 

But once he did arrest a man and laughed until he cried! 

So if you chance to meet him while walking 'round the town. 

Shake him by his fat old hand and give him half a crown. 

His eyes will beam and sparkle, he'll gurgle with delight. 

And then you'll start him laughing with all his blessed might! 

49

Laura the Leg (Mike Absolem, tune Streets of Laredo) 

Come listen to a terrible story I’ll tell you. 

Twill fill you with ‘orror as you lie in your bunk. 

And when you have ‘eard it you’ll never believe me. 

You’ll think I’m a liar or else that I’m drunk. 

I’ve courted in England and France and in Persia. 

From Lapland to Russia I’ve hunted me game 

But twas out in the cold frozen forests of Sweden. 

I first met me match Laura Leg was her name. 

By the smile in her eye and the glint in her laughter. 

I started to chat to this pretty young gal 

And when she sat down to a whisky and water 

me ‘opes started rising and that were not all. 

She invited me back to her room for the evening. 

But as she set off she slipped up on the ice 

And her skirts they flew up & well guess what I saw 

there... 

She’d a leg made of wood what a cunning device. 

Well we got to her door amid some trepidation. 

And I watched her reach under her skirts for the key 

And it took her a moment to find the correct one. 

For she’d 17 hung from a ring on her knee. 

Well later we romped on a bed of soft velvet. 

Till her passion had died and me vigour run dry 

And as she lay snoring I took out me jack knife. 

And carved my initials the length of her thigh. 

Well as the cold grey of the morning came creeping. 

I took to me senses and slowly took stock 

And when I looked well I saw to me ‘orror: 

I was riddled with splinters from kidney to knee. 

So all of you brave bravest heroes take warning: 

Don’t rush madly in when you should play it cool 

And if anythings false well then make her remove it 

I’m still picking splinters from outa me knee! 

Lavender`s Blue (trad.) 

Ch. Lavender's blue, dilly dilly, lavender's green 

When you are King, dilly dilly, I shall be Queen 

Who told you so, dilly dilly, who told you so? 

'Twas my own heart, dilly dilly, that told me so. 

Call up your friends, dilly, set them to work. 

Some to the plough, dilly dilly, some to the fork 

Some to the hay, dilly dilly, some to cut corn. 

While you and I, dilly dilly, keep ourselves warm. 

Wedding`s for life, dilly dilly, love is to share. 

And love must grow dilly dilly, with joy and care 

Pink for a girl, dilly dilly, blue for a boy. 

Binding us close, dilly dilly, bringing us joy. 

Close we will live, dilly dilly, and when we die. 

Both in one grave, dilly dilly, close we will lie 

If you die first, dilly dilly, maybe you will. 

I will live on, dilly dilly, loving you still. 

Leave her, Johnny (trad) 

Oh the times was hard and the wages low 

Leave her, Johnny, leave her 

And the grub was bad and the gales did blow 

And it's time for us to leave her 

Leave her, Johnny, leave her 

Oh, leave her, Johnny, leave her 

For the voyage is done and the winds do blow 

And it's time for us to leave her 

I thought I heard the Old Man say 

You can go ashore and take your pay 

Oh her stern was foul and the voyage was long 

The winds was bad and the gales was strong 

And we'll leave her tight and we'll leave her trim 

And heave the hungry packet in 

Oh, leave her, Johnny, leave her with a grin 

For there's many a worser we've sailed in 

And now it's time to say goodbye 

For the old pierhead's a-drawing nigh 

Leaving of Liverpool (trad.) 

Fare thee well the Prince’s Landing Stage, 

River Mersey, fare thee well, 

For I’m bound for Californiay 

A place that I know well. 

Ch. So fare thee well my own true love 

When I return united we will be. 

It’s not the leaving of Liverpool that grieves me 

But my darling when I think of you. 

Yes I’m bound for Californiay 

By way of the stormy Cape Horn, 

But you know I’ll write to you a letter 

My love, when I’m homeward bound. 

I have signed on a Yankee clipper ship, 

Davy Crockett is her name, 

And her captain’s name, it is Burgess 

And they say she’s a floating shame. 

It’s my second trip with Burgess in the Crockett, 

And I reckon to know him well. 

If a man is a sailor, then he’ll be alright 

But if not, why he’s sure in hell. 

Oh the tug is waiting at the Pier Head, 

To take us down the stream, 

Our sails are loose and the anchor is stowed 

So fare thee well again. 

Farewell to Lower Frederick Street, 

Anson Terrace and Park Lane 

For I know that it’s going to be a long ,long time 

Before I see you again. 

50

Let the Rest Of the World Go By 

(J. Keirn Brennan words, Ernest R. Ball music 1919) 

With someone like you, a pal so good and true, 

I'd like to leave it all behind and go and find 

Some place that's known to god alone. 

Just a spot to call our own. 

We'll find perfect peace where joys never cease 

Out there beneath the kindly sky. 

We'll build a sweet little nest, somewhere in the west 

And let the rest of the world go by. 

Life of a Man (trad.) 

As I was a walking one morning with ease 

A viewing the leaves as they fell from the trees 

All in full motion appearing to be 

Those that had withered they fell from the tree. 

Ch. What’s the life of a man anymore than a leaf 

A man has his seasons so why should he grieve 

For although through this life we appear fine and gay 

Like a leaf we must wither and soon fade away. 

If you had seen the leaves just a few days ago 

How beautiful and bright they did all seem to grow 

A frost came upon them and withered them all 

A storm came upon them and down they did fall. 

If you look in the churchyard there you will see 

Those that have passed like a leaf on a tree 

When age and affliction upon us have called 

Like a leaf we must wither and down we must fall. 

Life of a Tent 

(Ed. at a camp-site Ring Meeting 2004) 

As we were a staggering from the pub on our knees 

A viewing our tent in the strong Arctic breeze 

All in full motion appearing to be 

Cos it had withered, `twas hooked on a tree. 

What`s the life of a man any more than a tent 

A tent has it`s seasons it`s better to rent 

When all through this life we appear fine and gay 

Like a tent we must wither and soon fade away. 

If you had seen our tent just a few years ago 

How beautiful and fine well it was then you know 

The elements set too with the fraying and all 

The fool tripped upon it and down it did fall. 

If you look in our churchyard there you will see 

Those that have passed like our tent on the tree 

When age and affliction upon us do fall 

Like a tent we must wither and down we must fall. 

Light Weight Dirge (kipper Family) 

Our master of old have now passed away. 

At peace and at rest, we may all see him lay. 

We've one consolation now we are unmastered. 

Until his last breath, he was a real bastard. 

Every man had a good word for he, 

But will not repeat it in company. 

His life it was long, which made ours seem longer. 

When we feed him hemlock, that just made him stronger. 

When we cut off his beard, and set fire to his stubble, 

He untied out cottages, and reduced them to rubble. 

He was fond of animals, especially of horses. 

So we pulled the plough while he went to racecourses. 

He also loved children and tried without cease, 

By night and by day, to make their numbers increase. 

On his common land, we had grazing rights. 

But you don't get fat eating grass every night. 

He gave us each year a long holiday. 

That came in the winter without any pay. 

Now he is gone, his life is complete. 

We will place a large stone at his head and his feet. 

These stones are all prepared, indeed, truth to tell, 

That was them falling on him that sent him to hell. 

Lily the Pink (ad. traditional) 

51 

Ch. We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lily the pink the pink the pink 

The saviour of the human race, 

For she invented medicinal compound, most efficacious in every case. 

Mister Flears had sticky out ears, and it made him awful shy 

and so they gave him medicinal compound. 

Now he’s learning how to fly. 

Rubber Tony was known to be bony, he would never eat his meals 

and so they gave him medicinal compound. 

Now they move him round on wheels. 

Old Ebeneezer thought he was Julius Caesar & so they put him in a home 

Where they gave him medicinal compound. 

Now he’s Emperor of Rome. 

Aunty Millie went willy-nilly when her legs they did recede 

And so they gave her medicinal compound. 

Now they call her Millie Wee.

Lily the Pink (cont.) 

Ch. We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lily the pink the pink the pink 

The saviour of the human race, 

For she invented medicinal compound, most efficacious in every case. 

Jennifer Eccles had terrible freckles 

and all the boys called her names 

And so they gave her medicinal compound. 

Now she joins in all their games. 

Now Master Bachus had very small knackers, 

they wer just like a couple of peas 

So they gave him medicinal compound. 

Now they hang below his knees. 

Auntie Kitty had very small titties, 

they scarcely showed beneath her blouse 

So they gave her medicinal compound. 

Now they milk her with the cows 

Now Mr Venus had a very small penis, 

he could scarcely raise a stand 

so they gave him medicinal compound 

Now he comes in either hand 

Lily the Pink she turned to drink 

she filled up with paraffin inside 

And in spite of medicinal compound. 

Sadly pickled Lily died. 

Up in heaven, her soul ascended, 

oh the church bells they did ring. 

She took with her medicinal compound. 

Hark the Herald Angels sing. 

Lincolnshire Poacher (trad.) 

When I was bound apprentice in famous Lincolnshire 

Full well I served my master for more than seven year 

Till I took up with poaching, as you will quickly hear 

Oh! 'tis my delight on a shiny night, in the season of the year 

As me and my comrades were setting of a snare 

'Twas then we seed the gamekeeper - for him we did not care 

For we can wrestle and fight, my boys and jump o'er anywhere 

Oh! 'tis my delight on a shiny night in the season of the year 

As me and my companions were setting four or five 

And taking up on him again, we caught the hare alive 

We caught the hare alive, my boys, and through the woods did steer 


I threw him on my shoulder and then we trudged home 

We took him to a neighbour's house, and sold him for a crown 

We sold him for a crown, my boys, but I did not tell you where 


Bad luck to every magistrate that lives in Lincolnshire 

Success to every poacher that wants to sell a hare 

Bad luck to every gamekeeper that will not sell his deer 


Little Boxes – Made For Cricketers (Tune: Little Boxes) 

Little boxes, little boxes, little boxes made for cricketers, 

& you stuff them down your trousers when you're playing in the game 

There's a pink one and a blue one, and one made of aluminium, 

But if you stop one from __________ it will hurt you just the same. 

Living Doll (Lionel Bart) 

52 

Got myself a cryin', talkin', sleepin', walkin', livin' doll. 

Gotta do my best to please her, 

just cos she's a livin' doll. 

Got a rovin' eye and that is why she satisfies my soul. 

Got the one and only walkin', talkin', livin' doll. 

Take a look at her hair, it's real. 

And if you don't believe what I say, just feel. 

I'm gonna lock her up in a trunk, so no big hunk, 

Can steal her away from me. 

Got myself a cryin', talkin', sleepin', walkin', livin' doll. 

Gotta do my best to please her, 

just cos she's a livin' doll. 

Got a rovin' eye and that is why she satisfies my soul. 

Got the one and only walkin', talkin', livin' doll. 

Loch Lomond (Donald McDonnel) 

By yon bonnie banks, 

And by yon bonnie braes, 

Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond, 

Where me and my true love 

Were ever want to gae, 

On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond. 

CH. 

Oh! ye'll take the high road and 

I'll take the low road, 

And I'll be in Scotland afore ye; 

But me and my true love 

Will never meet again 

On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond. 

'Twas then that we parted 

In yon shady glen, 

On the steep, steep side of Ben Lomond, 

Where in purple hue 

The Highland hills we view, 

And the moon coming out in the gloaming 

Loch Lomond Peace (ed. ad. tune: Loch Lomond) 

By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes, 

Where we oft go to peaceful Loch Lomond, 

Where me and my true love were quickly chased away, 

By the midges on the banks o Loch Lomond. 

Oh you can take the high road or you can take the low road, 

But the midges will be there before ye, 

So me and my true love will never bathe again, 

On the bonne bonnie banks o loch lomond. 

Twas there that we parted In yon shady glen 

On the steep, steep side o Ben Loamin, 

Where in our purple hues, we were chased by heilan coos! 

An` the midges were attacking in gloamin 

Today we`d forgot-ten what had happened in that glen 

Cos we skinny dipped in bonny Loch Lomond 

But a shark chased us to shore 

Then that heilan coo took oèr 

And the midges made us raw in the gloamin`

Lord Of The Dance (Sydney Carter lyrics) 

I danced in the morning when the world was begun 

And I danced in the Moon and the stars and the Sun 

I came down from Heaven and I danced on the earth 

At Bethlehem I had my birth. 

ch. Dance, then, wherever you may be 

I am the Lord of the Dance, said He, 

And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be 

And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He. 

I danced for the Scribe and the Pharisee 

But they wouldn't dance, & they wouldn't follow me. 

I danced for the fishermen, for James and John, 

They came with me and the Dance went on. 

I danced on the Sabbath, and I cured the lame, 

The holy people, they said it was a shame, 

They whipped & they stripped & they hung me high, 

And left me there on a cross to die. 

I danced on a Friday when the sky turned black 

It's hard to dance with the devil on your back 

They buried my body, and they thought I'd gone, 

But I am the Dance, and I still go on. 

They cut me down and I leapt up high, 

I am the light that'll never, never die 

I'll live in you if you'll live in me, 

I am the Lord of the Dance, said He 

Bored of the Dance (Chris Sugden) 

As I walked down to the village hall 

I met old Ted he was leanin' on the wall 

"Why are you standin' out here, Ted?" 

"Cause I am bored of the dance!" he said! 

Dance! Dance! Whatever do they see? 

In prancin' round all the time, said he 

I'll leave them all to do it without me 

For I am bored of the dance, said he! 

I come to the dance with my girl, he said 

I told her that I'd rather go to bed, 

Oh yes I'm sure you would, said she, 

But first you'll come and dance with me! 

She said, You'll come and dance right now! 

But I weren't list'nin' when the caller told us how 

They "cast left," but "right" I went 

They danced on, but I ended in the "Gents'!" 

I drank with the Morris-men, James and John, 

They drank with me as the dance went on and on, 

We drank and we drank till it all went black. 

It's hard to dance when you're lyin' on your back! 

Oh, how she danced on the night they were wed 

She danced, he drank, and then they went to bed 

I'm afraid there's no more story to be told 

She was too hot, and he was out cold! 

Love is Teasing (trad.) 

Ch: Love is a teasing and love is pleasing. 

And love is a treasure when first it's new 

But as it grows older then love grows colder. 

And fades away like the morning dew 

I left my Father, I left my Mother 

I left my sisters & brothers too 

I left my friends and my kind relations 

I left them all for to go with you. 

Oh turn around love, your wheel of fortune 

Oh turn around love and smile on me 

For surely there must be a place of torment 

for that young girl who deceiv-ed me 

Oh lads beware of your false true lovers 

and never mind what the young girls say 

They're like the stars on a summer's morning 

you think they're near but they're far away. 

Lumberjack Song (Terry Jones, Michael Palin, & Fred Tomlinson) 

53 

I always wanted to be a lumberjack, leaping from tree to tree 

as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia… 

the larch…The redwood….the mighty sequoia with my best girl by my side 

We’d sing sing sing 

BARBER: 

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay. 

I sleep all night and I work all day. 

MOUNTIES: 

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. 

He sleeps all night and he works all day. 

BARBER: 

I cut down trees. I eat my lunch. 

I go to the lavatory. 

On Wednesdays I go shoppin' 

And have buttered scones for tea. 

MOUNTIES: 

He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch. 

He goes to the lavatory. 

On Wednesdays he goes shoppin' 

And has buttered scones for tea. 



BARBER: 

I cut down trees. I skip and jump. 

I like to press wild flowers. 

I put on women's clothing 

And hang around in bars. 

MOUNTIES: 

He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps. 

He likes to press wild flowers. 

He puts on women's clothing 

And hangs around in bars?! 



BARBER: 

I cut down trees. I wear high heels, 

Suspendies, and a bra. 

I wish I'd been a girlie, 

Just like my dear Papa. 

MOUNTIES: 

He cuts down trees. He wears high heels, 

Suspendies, and a bra?! 

(talking) What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My! 

And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter! 

[singing] 



He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay. 

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

MacDonald’s Kitchens (ad. Sem Seabourne 

Tune: Streets of London) 

Have you seen the young girl 

Who serves MacDonald’s burgers, 

Puts them into packets, into tiny little piles? 

In her eyes you’ll see no pride 

‘Cos she knows what they put inside 

And when she sees you eating 

That’s the only time she smiles 

So how can you tell me that you’re hungry 

And say a snack you’d like to find. 

Let me take you by the hand 

I’ll lead you through MacDonald’s kitchens 

I’ll show you something to make you change your mind. 

Have you seen the shoppers 

As they sit around the tables 

Parcels all around them 

And their bags upon their knees? 

They’ve no time for talkin’ 

As they stuff their knife ‘n fork in 

To yesterday’s burgers made with yesterday’s cheese 

Have you seen the waitress 

In the all night cafeteria 

Gather up the pieces from the tables and the floors? 

In an effort to disguise them 

She takes them back and fries them 

But you’ll soon recognise them 

When they come around once more 

Have you seen the old man 

Outside the covered market 

Rummage through the dustbins 

Of MacDonalds cast off stocks? 

He hasn’t eaten this week 

So he’s feeling pretty desparate 

As he throws away the burger 

And decides to eat the box 

Man Who Invented Beer / Beer, Beer Beer 

A long time ago, way back in history, 

When all there was to drink was nothin but cups of tea. 

Along came a man by the name of Charlie Mops, 

And he invented a wonderful drink and he made it out of hops. 

He must have been an admiral a sultan or a king, 

and to his praises we shall always sing. 

Look what he has done for us he's filled us up with cheer! 

Lord bless Charlie Mops, the man who invented beer beer beer 

tiddly beer beer beer. 

The Curtis bar, the James' Pub, the Hole in the Wall as well 

One thing you can be sure of, its Charlie's beer they sell 

So all ye lads a lasses at eleven O'clock ye stop 

For five short seconds, remember Charlie Mops 1 2 3 4 5 

A barrel of malt, a bushel of hops, you stir it around with a stick, 

The kind of lubrication to make your engine tick. 

40 pints of wallop a day will keep away the quacks. 

Its only eight pence hapenny and one and six in tax, 1 2 3 4 5 

He must have been an admiral a sultan or a king, 

And to his praises we shall always sing. 

Look what he has done for us he's filled us up with cheer! 

Lord bless Charlie Mops, the man who invented beer beer beer 

tiddly beer beer beer. 

The Lord bless Charlie Mops 

MacNamara's Band (trad) 

My name is Macnamara, 

I'm the leader of a band, 

And though we're small in number, 

We're the best in all the land. 

Of course l'm the conductor 

And l've often had to play 

With all the fine musicians 

That you read about today. 

The drums they bang, the cymbals clang, 

The horns they blaze away, 

Macarthy puffs the ould bassoon, 

Doyle (And I) the pipes does play. 

Hennessey tuteily tootles the flute, 

The music is something grand, 

And a credit to ould Ireland's boys 

Is Macnamara's Band. 

Whenever an election's on 

We play on either side, 

And the way we play the fine ould airs 

Fills every heart with pride. 

If dear Tom Moore was living now 

He'd make them understand 

That none can do him justice 

Like ould Macnamara's Band. 

We play for fairs or weddings 

And for every County Ball, 

And at any great man's funeral 

We play "The Dead March in Saul." 

When General Grant to Ireland came 

He shook me by the hand, 

And said he never heard the like 

Of ould Macnamara's Band. 

Just now we are practicing 

For a very grand affair, 

It's an annual celebration, 

All the gentry will be there. 

The girls and boys will all turn out 

With flags and colours grand, 

And in front of the procession 

Will be Macnamara's Band. 

54

Man Who Waters the Workers Beer (Paddy Ryan) 

I am the man, the very fat man, 

That waters the workers' beer 

I am the man, the very fat man, 

That waters the workers' beer 

And what do I care if it makes them ill, 

If it makes them terribly queer 

I've a car, a yacht, and an aeroplane, 

And I waters the workers' beer 

Verses: 

Now when I waters the workers' beer, 

I puts in strychnine 

Some methylated spirits, 

And a can of kerosine 

Ah, but such a brew so terribly strong, 

It would make them terribly queer 

So I reaches my hand for the watering-can 


Now a drop of good beer is good for a man 

When he's tired, thirsty and 'ot 

And I sometimes have a drop myself, 

From a very special pot 

For a strong and healthy working class 

Is the thing that I most fear 

So I reaches my hand for the watering-can 


Now ladies fair, beyond compare, 

Be you maiden or wife 

Spare a thought for such a man 

Who leads such a lonely life 

For the water rates are terribly high, 

And the meths is terribly dear 

And there isn't the profit there used to be 

In watering the workers' beer 

Marie`s Wedding / Step We Gaily (trad) 

Step we gaily on we go 

Heel for heel and toe for toe 

Arm in arm and on we go 

All for Marie's wedding 

Over hill ways up and down 

Myrtle green and bracken brown 

Past the sheeling though the town 

All for sake of Marie 

Plenty herring, plenty meal 

Plenty peat to fill her creal 

Plenty bonny bairns as well 

That's the toast for Marie 

Cheeks are bright as rowans are 

Brighter far than any star 

Fairest of them all by far 

Is my darling Marie 

The Man with Three Balls/ Librarian Song 

One fine Monday morn as I sat at my desk 

In the old public library, down by the Square 

In comes an old woman all heavily laden 

With all sorts of groceries costly and rare 

And what can I do for to help and assist you 

Says I unto her with a nod and a smile 

It’s a book that I’m wanting says she for I hear 

You’ve the finest selection in many a mile 

Let me see then says I as to what you’ll be needing 

To suit a fine lady and such as yourself 

And what could compare with a romantic novel 

So quickly I reaches one down from the shelf 

Now here’s a fine tale of a handsome brain surgeon 

Whose spirits are low and his mind’s in a rage 

‘Till his troubles are eased by a fair pretty damsel 

And wedding bells chime on the very last page 

O that’s not what I’m wanting at all said the lady 

And truth for to tell you the books not for me 

But it was my husband who sent me to see 

If you have in this place any pornography 

If it pornography that you’re wanting says I 

You’re in the right place as you’ll very soon see 

For under the counter I have a fine stock 

Of the dirtiest books in the whole country 

Lady Chaterley’s lover, Last Exit to Brooklyn 

the old Perfume Garden and Carnal Desire 

With every volume bound in as 

In case your hot breath sets the pages on fire 

We’ve got Swedish au pair girls all dressed up in rubber 

Handsome transvestites both gallant and gay 

There’s every perversion known unto man. 

And it’s all on the rates – there’s no money to pay 

O I fear there must be some mistake said the lady. 

For that’s not the stuff that I wanting indeed 

For my husband’s a pawn broker not a sex fiend. 

And I fear it not this that he’s wanting to read 

Well he heard about pornography from a friend. 

And I fear that some comical error he’s made 

For hearing the word and not knowing the meaning. 

He though it was something to do with his trade 

The old pawnbroker’s wife she seemed highly amused. 

When rage I began for to stamp and to swear 

And I took down a copy of Portnoy’s complaint. 

And told her to stuff it the devil knows where 

Out of adversity comes opportunity. 

So the old prophets and sages do say 

& the pawn broker’s tale well it caused great amusement. 

When told to me colleagues the very next day 

And being well known as a writer of songs 

that are written on broadsheets and lavatory walls 

I went back to my house and I wrote down this song. 

And I called it the Tale of the Man with Three Balls 

55

The Marrow Song 

Now down the road there lives a man I'd like you all to know, 

He grew a big marrow for the local flower show 

And when the story got around they came from far and wide, 

And when then saw what he had grown, everybody cried..... 

Ooooh! What a beauty, I've never seen one as big as that before, 

Oh Oh! What a beauty, it must be two foot long or even more. 

And it's such a lovely color, so big, and round, and fat, 

I've never seen a marrow grow quite as big as that, 

Oh Oh! What a beauty, I've never seen one as big as that before. 

He was leaning on the garden gate the other day, 

And beckoned to a lady who lives just across the way, 

He took her down the garden path and showed it to her with pride, 

And when she saw the size of it, the little lady sighed.. 

Ooooh! What a beauty, I've never seen one as big as that before, 




Oh Oh! What a beauty, I've never seen one as big as that before. 

And then the flower show was held and everybody went, 

To see this huge marrow, lying there inside the tent. 

Soon the judges came along to give the prizes out, 

And they only took one look at it and they began to shout, 

OOOOOH! What a beauty, I've never seen one as big as that before, 




Oh Oh! What a beauty, I've never seen one as big as that before! 

Mary Ellen Carter (Stan Rogers) 

She went down last October in a pouring driving rain. 

The skipper, he'd been drinking and the Mate, he felt no pain. 

Too close to Three Mile Rock, & she was dealt her mortal blow, 

And the Mary Ellen Carter settled low. 

There were just us five aboard her when she finally was awash. 

We'd worked like hell to save her, all heedless of the cost. 

56 

& the groan she gave as she went down, it caused us to proclaim 

That the Mary Ellen Carter would rise again. 

Well, the owners wrote her off; not a nickel would they spend. 

She gave twenty years of service, boys, then met her sorry end. 

But insurance paid the loss to them, they let her rest below. 

Then they laughed at us and said we had to go. 

But we talked of her all winter, some days around the clock, 

For she's worth a quarter million, afloat and at the dock. 

And with every jar that hit the bar, we swore we would remain 

And make the Mary Ellen Carter rise again. 

Rise again, rise again, that her name not be lost 

To the knowledge of men. 

Those who loved her best and were with her till the end 

Will make the Mary Ellen Carter rise again. 

All spring, now, we've been with her on a barge lent by a friend. 

Three dives a day in hard hat suit and twice I've had the bends. 

Thank God it's only sixty feet and the currents here are slow 

Or I'd never have the strength to go below. 

But we've patched her rents, stopped her vents, dogged hatch 

and porthole down. 

Put cables to her, 'fore and aft and girded her around. 

Tomorrow, noon, we hit the air and then take up the strain. 

And watch the Mary Ellen Carter Rise Again. 

For we couldn't leave her there, you see, to crumble into scale. 

She'd saved our lives so many times, living through the gale 

And the laughing, drunken rats who left her to a sorry grave 

They won't be laughing in another day. . . 

And you, to whom adversity has dealt the final blow 

With smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go 

Turn to, and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain 

And like the Mary Ellen Carter, rise again. 

Rise again, rise again - though your heart it be broken 

And life about to end 

No matter what you've lost, be it a home, a love, a friend. 

Like the Mary Ellen Carter, rise again.

Masochism Tango (Tom Lehrer) 

I ache for the touch of your lips, dear, 

But much more for the touch of your whips, dear. 

You can raise welts like nobody else, 

As we dance to the masochism tango. 

Say our love be a flame, not an ember, 

Say it's me that you want to dismember. 

Blacken my eye, set fire to my tie, 


At your command, before you here I stand, 

My heart is in my hand. ecch! 

It's here that I must be. 

My heart entreats, just hear those savage beats, 

And go put on your cleats and come and trample me. 

Your heart is hard as stone or mahogany, 

That's why I'm in such exquisite agony. 

My soul is on fire, It's aflame with desire, 

Which is why I perspire when we tango. 

You caught my nose 

In your left castanet, love, 

I can feel the pain yet, love, 

Ev'ry time I hear drums. 

And I envy the rose 

That you held in your teeth, love, 

With the thorns underneath, love, 

Sticking into your gums. 

Your eyes cast a spell that bewitches. 

The last time I needed twenty stitches 

To sew up the gash that you made with your lash, 

As we danced to the masochism tango. 

Bash in my brain and make me scream with pain, 

Then kick me once again, 

And say we'll never part. 

I know too well I'm underneath your spell, 

So, darling, if you smell something burning, it's my heart. 

Excuse me! 

Take your cigarette from it's holder, 

And burn your initials in my shoulder. 

Fracture my spine and swear that you're mine, 


Maybe It`s Because I`m a Londoner (Hubert Gregg) 

Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner 

That I love London so 


That I think of her wherever I go 

I get a funny feeling inside of me 

When walking up and down 


That I love London Town 

The Mermaid (trad) 

Twas Friday morn when we set sail 

And we were not far from the land 

When the captain, he spied a lovely mermaid 

With a comb and a glass in her hand 

O the ocean's waves may roll 

(let em roll) 

And the stormy winds may blow 

(let em blow) 

While we poor sailors go skipping to the top 

And the landlubbers lie down below 

(below, below) 

And the landlubbers lie down below 

And up spoke the captain of our gallant ship 

And a well-spoken man was he 

I have me a wife in Salem by the sea 

And tonight she a widow will be 

And up spoke the cookie of our gallant ship 

And a red hot cookie was he 

Saying I care much more for my pots and my pans 

Than I do for the bottom of the sea 

Then three times around went our gallant ship 

And three times around went she 

Three times around went our gallant ship 

And she sank to the bottom of the sea 

Then up spoke the cabinboy, of our gallant ship 

And a nasty little lad was he. 

I'm not quite sure I can spell "mermaid" 

But I'm going to the bottom of the sea. 

57

The Mermaid-Rule Britannia 

(from James Thomson poem) 

O, it's of a brisk young ploughboy 

Was ploughing on Salisbury Plain. 

He loved a rich knight's daughter dear 

And she loved him again. 

But this knight was so distressed 

That they should sweethearts be 

That he had that young man pressed 

And he sent him off to sea. 

Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves 

Britons never, never, never shall be 

Married to a mermaid 

At the bottom of the deep blue sea. 

'Twas in the broad Atlantic 

Midst the equinoctial gales, 

That a young fellow fell overboard 

Amongst the sharks and whales. 

He sank right down to the bottom 

So quickly down went he, 

He was out of sight like a streak of light 

To the bottom of the deep blue sea. 

We sent for a boat to look for him 

Expecting to find his corpse. 

When he came to the top with an Eton crop 

And a hoarse, sepulchral voice. 

My comrades and my messmates all 

Do not weep for me, 

For I'm married to a mermaid 


So the anchor was weighing and the sails unfurled 

And the ship was a-running free, 

When we went up to our cap-it-ain 

And this we told to he. 

So the skipper he came to the old ship's side 

And loud bellows he, 

Be as happy as you can with your wife, my man 


Michael, Row the Boat Ashore (trad.) 

Michael, row the boat ashore, Hallelujah, 

Michael, row the boat ashore, Hallelujah. 

Sister help to trim the sail, Hallelujah, 

Sister help to trim the sail, Hallelujah. 

The river is deep and the river is wide, Hallelujah, 

Milk and honey on the other side, Hallelujah. 

Jordan's river is chilly and cold, Hallelujah, 

Chills the body but not the soul, Hallelujah. 

Micky`s Son and Daughter (Bonzo Dog Do Da Band) 

Oh the world is so delighted 

And the kids are so excited 

'Cos the stork has brought 

A son and daughter 

For Mr. and Mrs. Mickey Mouse 

The Mayor and Corporation 

Have declared such jubilation 

'Cos the stork has brought 



Pluto's giving a party 

And before the fun begins 

He'll present a golden dollar 

To the father of the twins 

The preacher's eyes are glistening 

And he's thinking of a christening 

Cos the stork has brought 



A million million people 

Are happy bright and gay 

Bells are ringing in the steeple 

It's a public holiday Hooray Hooray it's a public holiday! 

Molly Malone (trad.) 

In Dublin’s fair city where the girls are so pretty 

I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone 

As she wheeled her wheelbarrow 


58 

Alive, alive oh x2 Singing cockles And muscles, Alive alive O 

She was a fishmonger and that was no wonder 

For so were her mother and father before 

For she wheeled her wheelbarrow 


She died of a fever And no one could save her 

And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone 

Now her ghost wheels her wheelbarrow, 

crying cockles and mussels 

(non-trad. Alan Sherman) 

She wheels her wheelbarrow through streets broad & narrow 

Her barrow is narrow her hips are too wide 

So wherever she wheels it the neighbourhood feels it. 

Her girdle keeps scraping 

The homes on each side. 

In Dublin’s Fair City where the girls are so pretty 

My Molly stands out `cause she weighs 18 stone 

I don’t mind her fat butt she is not only that but 

She’s cross eyed and muscle bound Molly Malone

Mountains of Mourne (trad.) 

Morning Glory (Guy Fletcher, Doug Flett. 

At the end of the day, I like a little drink to raise up me voice and sing 

And an hour or two with a fine, brown brew and I'm ready for anything 

At the Cross Keys Inn there were sisters four, the landlord's daughters fair 

And every night when they'd turn out the light I would tiptoe up the 

stair ...singin' 

chorus: 

One for the morning glory, 

Two for the early dew 

Three for the man who will stand his round 

And four for the love of you, me girl, Four for the love of you 

I got the call from a foreign shore to go and fight the foe 

And I thought no more of the sisters four, but still I was sad to go 

I sailed away on a ship, the Morning Glory was her name 

And we'd all fall down when the rum went 'round, then get up and start again 

I bore once more for my native shore, farewell to the raging seas 

And the Cross Keys Inn, it was beckonin', and me heart was filled with glee 

For there on the shore were the sisters four with a bundle upon each knee 

There were three little girls and a bouncing boy, and they all looked 

just like me... 

Oh Mary this London's a wonderful sight 

With people here workin' by day and by night 

They don't sow potatoes, nor barley, nor wheat 

But there's gangs of them diggin' for gold in the street 

At least when I asked them that's what I was told 

So I just took a hand at this diggin' for gold 

But for all that I found there I might as well be 

Where the Mountains of Mourne sweep down to the sea. 

I believe that when writin' a wish you expressed 

As to how the fine ladies in London were dressed 

Well if you'll believe me, when asked to a ball 

They don't wear no top to their dresses at all 

Oh I've seen them meself and you could not in truth 

Say that if they were bound for a ball or a bath 

Don't be startin' them fashions, now Mary McCree 

Where the Mountains of Mourne sweep down to the sea. 

There's beautiful girls here, oh never you mind 

With beautiful shapes nature never designed 

And lovely complexions all roses and cream 

But let me remark with regard to the same 

That if that those roses you venture to sip 

The colors might all come away on your lip 

So I'll wait for the wild rose that's waitin' for me 

In the place where the dark Mourne sweeps down to the sea 

Muckspreading Time (as sung by The Yetties) 

59 

There be some like the smell of the violets in spring, 

Or the sweet new-mown hay when the lark’s on the wing, 

But the sweetest to I, be the smells that do climb, 

Up in to the breeze ev’ry muckspreading time. 

Chorus: 

Muck spreading time, Muck-spreading time, 

Ev’ry thing’s fragrant at muck-spreading time. 

For twer muck spreadin time when I first met with Sue, 

And showed her the barn and a hay rick or two, 

She were hotter than harvest and quicker than lime, 

Cos passions in season at muck spreadin time. 

Our courtin went on like a hay rick afire, 

Till we came to the day that her parents desired, 

The wedding was lovely, I felt in me prime, 

And suzy looked full of beans last muck spreadin time. 

He choir was all there and our chosen hymns sung, 

The ringers turned out and the bells they went dung, 

Even the vicar forgot for to mine, 

When i wedded sweet Sue last much spreadin time. 

Now suzy’s as busy as busy can be, 

With two little muck spreaders, one for each knee, 

& if we works through the season and things turn out fine, 

We’ll make it a foursome by muck spreadin time.

Mulligan’s Tyres (Joe Mairns) 

Far have I travelled, much wear has there been 

Bald shiny patches that shouldn’t be seen 

Splits in the sidewalls like on cars that you hires 

O why did I fit retread Mulligan’s tyres 

Mulligan’s tyres O folly to be caught with these 

My desire is always to be without Mulligan’s tyres 

I went to a garage I used to frequent 

I asked them for credit, my money all spent 

They said if you want tyres, then come on this way 

But it was Mulligan’s tyres they had on display 


My desire is always to be without Mulligan’s tyres 

So here I am stranded unable to go 

Police all around me their eyes all aglow 

I’ll ask for forgiveness as oft times before 

And I’ll never fit Mulligan’s tyres no more 


My desire is always to be without Mulligan’s tyre 

My Bernie Lies Under the Ocean (Sid Kipper) 

My Bernie lies over and over 

My Bernie he lies through his tooth 

He says all the time that he’ll leave me 

How I wish that that was the truth. 

Take back, take back, oh take back my Bernie from 

me from me 

Take back, take back, oh take back my Bernie from 

me 

He swore that he’d love me forever 

He swore that white was black 

He swore on his black haired old mother 

How I wish that she’d take him back. 

My Bernie he lies in the morning 

He stays out to a quarter past two 

He says drinking isn’t a problem 

I say “No lad it isn’t for you” 

One night as I lay on my pillow 

He said that he’d buy me a bed 

He said that he’d give up his gambling 

He bet me a guinea he would. 

My Bernie he lies on the sofa 

He gives me a wink and a nod 

I’ll have to be dead as a dodo 

Before I lie under the sod. 

My Bernie lies under the ocean 

My Bernie lies under the sea 

I just couldn’t stand him no longer 

I drowned him first thing after te 

My Favourite Things (parody) 

King Prawns and fish cakes and baked beans and 

curries 

Bitter and whisky to cure all your worries 

Turkish ke- bab with red onion rings 

These are a few of my favourite things 

Racing from Fontwell or Cartmell or Soutwell 

We might get lucky by backing a double 

Nags o’er fences or hurdles or flat 

Our bookie will still have the shirt off our backs 

Football and rugby and snooker and cricket 

They’re all on TV so you don’t need a ticket 

The TV’s in pub it’s a wonderful thing 

These are some more of my favourite things 

This outside smoking – gotta be jokinwhat`s it all about? 

This atmosphere’s pleasing but we’re bleeding freezing 

Each time we go for a snout 

Chim chimenee Chim chimenee chim chim cheree 

He’s already pissed and he’s only had three 

Chim chimenee Chim chimenee chim chim cheroot 

I need to throw up so I’m off to the loo 

Girls with nice boobs and an a___ you could die on 

You’ve had a pint so you feel like a try on 

She tells you sod off so you call her a ming-er 

You go pride intact while she gives you the fing-er 

Whisky and Vodka, Bacardi and Brandy 

White wine or red wine or anything handy 

Dark rum or gin or a Singapore sling 

These are my favourite favourite things 

When the bell rings 

And the bars shut 

And we’ve missed last shout 

We go round mine sweeping our favourite things 

And then we all get chucked out 

Muvvers Lament (trad.) 

A muvver was barfing ‘er biby one night, 

ver youngest of 10 and a delicate mite, 

ver muvver was poor and her biby was fin. 

Twas o but an skellyton covered in skin. 

Ver muvver turned rawned for the soap from the rack. 

She was only a moment but when she turned back… 

her biby had gorn and in anguish she cried… 

oh where ‘as my biby gorn… ver angels replied…. 

Ch. Oh your biby ‘as gorn dawn the plughole. 

Your biby has gorn down the plug. 

The poor little thing was too skinny and fin 

Ee should have been washed in a jug. IN A JUG 

Your biby is perfectly ‘appy 

He won’t need a barf anymore. 

He’s a mucking about with the angels above 

Not lost but gone before. 

60

My Grand fathers Ferret (tune: Grandfather`s 

Clock, Derek Jolly ad. ed.) 

My Grandfather`s ferret, 

Was a beast of little merit 

And it lived out the back in a cage 

If you peered through the bars 

You'd see eyes like little stars 

A-glittering with malevolence and rage. 

With a smell it gave off 

Made you splutter gasp and cough 

And some habits exceedingly gross. 

And it bit... off... anything it could chew 

If you came... too... close. 

Ch. Through the years every feeding time 

Gnash, gnaw Flesh raw! 

He`d get us each bleeding time 

Nasty carnivore! 

Should ve writ BEWARE! 

DON CAST IRON UNDERWEAR 

OR HE LL HAVE YOUR BITS IN A THRICE! 

When that ferret needed feeding 

Someone always came in bleeding 

Or looking as pale as a sheet 

When you opened up the door, 

It was all out bloody war 

That ferret was fast on his feet 

He could go for your throat 

Through two mufflers and a coat 

Or maybe a finger or three. 

Then sit, back and give his lips a smack 

Assured of another victory! 

One day my auntie May 

Thought she'd give the pet some hay 

And she poked it oh-so-carefully through the wire 

But that ferret thought that meat 

Would be much more of a treat, 

And with alacrity you couldn't but admire 

Clamped his teeth upon her digit 

She went absolutely rigid 

Old Auntie May she thought she'd lose her mind 

Then Oh Lor', she opened up the door 

To grab the little bugger from behind. 

When that ferret saw 

That she d opened up the door 

He was out and he was at her in a flash 

And a-shrieking with success 

He went a-streaking up her dress 

And Auntie wished she hadn't been so rash 

With his nasty little teeth, 

He bit her underneath 

Up the middle, round the side and up the back. 

And my aunt May never smiled again 

And neither did my uncle Jack! 

To conclude my friend, 

I am coming to the end 

Of this story - with this the final verse. 

Take care, do not linger, 

Or the ferret'll have your finger. 

Or indeed perhaps, it might be something worse. 

And the moral of this song, 

and it won't take very long, 

And I'll tell you right now, if you wish. 

If a pet you desire 

Far better you aspire 

To attach your affections to a fish!(not a pirhana!) 

My Granny`s A Cripple From Nashville (Billy Connoly) 

Yes my granny is a cripple in Nashville, friends 

This story I tell you true 

One day she went out on her wheelchair 

Never knowing it had a loose screw 

Well a wheel came off of that wheelchair, friends 

And on three wheels it trundled away 

And it trundled right over the edge of a cliff 

In an old seaside town far away 

(Country and Western noises) 

Now the boy who was pushing the wheelchair 

Was a little blind orphan call Joe 

And he said, "Oh where is my grannie?" 

And where did that damn wheelchair go 

Well he ran off to search for that wheelchair friends 

But his sightless eyes led him astray 

And he ran right over the edge of the cliff 

In that old seaside town far away 


Well somebody sent for a doctor 

And an ambulance too, it was called 

And the people who lived in the neighbourhood 

Stood around and they cried, how they bawled 

Well the doctor & the ambulance came rushing, friends 

They were rushing from two different ways 

And they crashed with a BIFF and shot over the cliff 

In that old seaside town far away 


Well they sent for brave Father Maloney 

To pray for the poor souls repose 

& he said, "Well now that we're gathered here, good people" 

"Well we might as well pray I suppose" 

But too many people had gathered 

And the edge of the cliff gave way 

And they dropped with a yell and they all shot straight to hell 

In that old seaside town so terribly far away 

My Old Man’s a Dustman 

(Lonnie Donegan, Peter Buchanan& Beverly Thorn) 

My old man’s a dustman, he wears a dustman’s hat 

He wears Gor Blimey trousers and he lives in a council flat 

He looks a proper Nana in his great big hob-nailed boots 

He has such a job to tie them up & he calls them Daisy Roots. 

Now ‘ere’s a little story, to tell it is a must 

About an unsung hero who clears away the dust 

Some folk may earn a fortune, some folk may earn a mint 

My old man don’t earn much, in fact he’s flipping skint. 

Some folk get tips at Christmas and some of them forget 

So when he picks their bins up he spills some on the step 

Now one old man got nasty and to the council wrote 

Next time my old man went round there he punched him up the throat. 

61

My Old Man’s a Dustman (cont.) 

My old man’s a dustman, he wears a dustman’s hat 

He wears Gor Blimey trousers and he lives in a council flat 

He looks a proper Nana in his great big hob-nailed boots 

He has such a job to tie them up & he calls them Daisy Roots. 

One day while out collecting he missed a Lady’s bin 

He hadn’t gorn a few yards when she chased after ‘im 

What game do you think you’re playing? 

She cried right from the heart 

You’ve missed me, am I too late? No jump up on the cart. 

Though my old man’s a dustman he’s got a heart of gold 

He got married recently tho he’s 86 years old 

We said ‘ere hang on Dad you’re getting past your prime 

He said “well when you get my age it helps to pass the time”. 

He found a tiger’s head one day nailed to a piece of wood 

The tiger looked quite miserable, well I suppose he should 

Well then from out the window a voice began to wail 

Oy! Where’s the Tiger’s head? Four feet from his tail. 

Next time you see a dustman looking all pale and sad 

Don’t kick him in the dustbin it might be my old Dad. 

My Rookie Days Are Over (tune: Aurela) 

The fortunes of the one eyed trouser snake! 

My rooky days are over 

My pilot light is out 

What used to be my pleasure 

Is just my water spout. 

Once of its own volition 

In trouser it would spring 

Well now I have a real job 

To find the blasted thing. 

It used to be an issue 

The way it would behave 

For every single morning 

It stood and watched me shave. 

But as old age approaches 

It sure gives me the blues 

To see it hang there withered 

And watch me tie my shoes. 

and the sequel by the ed! 

But since I`ve used Viagra 

My problem`s in remand 

It`s upright in the clearing 

Like Custer`s final stand. 

Reminding me of days with 

A maid who won`t say no 

I `d drop my lower garments 

TtAnd shout, "Geronomino" 

62 

My Old Man`s A Santa (lyrics by ed. Tune: My Old Man`s a Dustman) 

When you are young you believe in him. Then you don`t. When 

you are old you are Santa! 

Now here`s a little story to tell it`s my intent 

About an unsung hero who braves the grotto tent. 

Some fight in mortal combat, diffuse bombs to earn their quids,. 

My old man risks life and limb by giving gifts to kids. 

Oh, my old man`s a Santa, he wears a Santa hat, 

He tells his joke at Christmas time which always leaves us flat. 

He looks a proper nana in his too tight Santa kit, 

He has such a job to squeeze it on and can hardly bend or sit. 

" My reindeer`s got no nose." "How does he smell?" "Terrible!" 

One day while in his grotto with a brat of only three 

Didn`t like the bunch of sweets and kicked out furiously. 

Now my old man got shirty and in the sack he dives, 

Next present Santa handed him it was a bunch of fives. 

" I say, I say, I say...my dustbin`s full of reindeer." 

" Well, put the lid on." 

He`s trained to keep his temper, that`s what he had to do 

When a darling had his beard off which it wanted not some glue. 

But Santa smiled serenely and anger showed no trace, 

Then he snatched the beard & glue and stuck it to his face. 

" I say, I say, I say.... How`s Santa`s elf?" 

" I didn`t know his elf was ill. " 

Now you will be surprised to learn this story has a twist, 

Cos my old man told all the kids he didn`t now exist. 

NO SUCH THING AS SANTA? The kids scream THAT AIN`T TRUE! 

You`ll never wriggle out of this cos we believe in you! 

The department store is heaving, his grotto chocker block. 

Revolting kids are rioting and all running amok. 

They`re searching for their Santa and screaming, "IT`S A SWIZZ!" 

While my old man`s in bed not knowing where the F*** he is. 

Next time you see a Santa looking all pale and wan, 

Just take him to the grotto it might be my old man. 

My Way Driving Test 

(tune: Claude François and Jacques Revaux, lyrics Yetties) 

And so the end is here and so I face the final curtain 

I took my driving test, the result of which, I know for certain 

I drove the best I could, I stayed on, or near the highway 

But more, much more than this, I did it my way. 

Mistakes, I made a few, but then again too few to mention 

Though the chappie at my side said I was beyond redemption 

He’d planned each chartered course each careful move along the 

byway 

But that was not for me, I did it my way. 

Yes, there were times when his screams 

Almost broke into my dreams 

But through it all when there was doubt 

I closed my eyes and shut it out 

I faced it all and hit a wall But did it my way. 

I know, looking back, there were times I couldn’t stop her 

And of course, it’s not polite to wave two fingers at a copper 

But, yes, I signalled him, and may I say not in a shy way 

Because, the silly sod, he stood in my way. 

For what is a man, what has he got? 

If not his wheels, then he has not? 

To shove your foot right to the floor 

And to hear the engine roar 

The record shows I failed you know But did it my way.

No No They Can`t Take That Away From Me (ed.`s parody) 

The way you slurp your tea, the way you shout off key 

The way you decked my wife, no they can`t take that away from me. 

Your black teeth when your grin, the way that you break wind 

The memory of all this no no they can't take that away from me 

We will never never meet again on those bumpy bedroom flings 

Still I'll always always keep the broken springs! 

The way you pick your nose, the skidmarks on your clothes 

Your impetigo`s rife, no No they can't take that away from me 

The way you scratch your rump, the way you swing each lump 

The mammary of all this, no no they can`t take that away from me. 

We will never never meet again on those bumpy bedroom flings 

Still I'll always always keep the broken springs! 

The way you swear and slang the way your odours hang 

The memory of all this 

No no I just can`t stop from taking the piss 

No they can` take that away. Can`t take that away. 

No no they can`t take that away from me. 

No John No (ad. Lesley Nelson-Downs) 

On yonder hill there stands a creature, 

Who she is I do not know 

I will court her for her beauty, 

She must answer yes or no 

Oh no John, No John, No John, No! 

My father was a Spanish Captain, 

Went to sea a month ago 

First he kissed me, then he left me, 

Bid me always answer no 


Oh madam in your face is beauty, 

On your lips red roses grow 

Will you take me for your lover, 

Madam answer yes or no 


Oh madam I will give you jewels, 

I will make you rich and free 

I will give you silken dresses, 

Madam will you marry me? 


Madam shall I tie your garter, 

Tie it a little above your knee 

If my hand should slip a little farther, 

Would you think it amiss of me 


My love and I went to bed together, 

There we lay till cocks did crow; 

Unclose your arms my dearest jewel, 

Unclose your arms and let me go 


Dorset is Beautiful (lyrics Bob Gale, music Cantwell family) 

Dorset is beautiful wherever you go 

And the rain in the summer time 

Makes the wurzel tree grow 

And it’s pleasant to sit 

in the Thunder and the hail 

With your girlfriend on a turnip clump 

and hear the sweet nightingale. 

As I was a walking one evening in June 

I spied two old farmers make hay in the moon 

Said one to the other with a twinkle in his eye 

There be more birds in the long grass than there be in the sky. 

Now Sarah’s my girlfriend and I love her so 

Her’s as big as an ‘aystack and forty years old 

Farmer says she’s gi-normous and loud do he scoff 

‘cos you ‘as to leave a chalk mark to show where you left off. 

Farmer looks at young Gwendoline and then looks at Ned 

What an ‘andsome young couple they ought to be wed 

But then he says sadly “Tis impossible of course 

‘Cos Gwendoline’s me daughter and Ned is me horse”. 

When Sarah went milking with Nellie the cow 

She pulled and she tugged but she didn’t quite know how 

So after a short while Nellie turned with a frown… 

Saying “you hang on tight love I’ll jump up and down”. 

The Nose of Alan Dale (Les Barker, ad V3 by ed. 

Tune: The Rose of Allendale) 

Our Alan has the largest nose 

Mankind will ever view. 

There`s space inside each you 

Could fir the QE2. 

Between his ears bold mountainers 

Have sought in vain to scale 

His nose I knows no nose compares 

With the Nose of Alan Dale. 

The Nose of Alan Dale 


His nose I knows no nose compares 

With the Nose of Alan Dale. 

No Manilows could grow that nose 

He picks it with a tree 

And if it all gets out of hand 

He hires a JCB. 

Beyond belief his handkerchief 

They use it as a sail 

It`s massive form it stands enorm 

Òus Nose of Alan Dale. 

The nose of Alan Dale 

The nose of Alan Dale 

It`s masssive form it stands enor 

Òus Nose of Alan Dale. 

They`ve searched for El Dorado there 

And Shergar wide and far 

Someone saw Lord Lucan in 

A chauffer driven car. 

They`ve lost the Ark of Covenant 

Mislaid the Holy Grail 

Perhaps both these will turn up in 

The Nose of Alan Dale! 



Perhaps both these will turn up in 

The Nose of Alan Dale. 

63

Now That You’re Fifty 

1. Now don’t think that fifty’s the end of the line 

That you’ve run out of track, that you’ve run out of time 

As long as you’ve got both your honour and zeal 

Then you’re only as old as the woman you feel. 

2.If you’re over fifty I’ll bet you a quid 

That your bodily functions don’t work like they did 

And to see yourself age is a little distressing 

Though your skin fits o.k it looks like it needs pressing. 

3.Now round about fifty you might be concerned 

At the largish amount of your candle you’ve burned 

But the size of your candle don’t matter a bit 

It’s more about how long it burns once it’s lit. 

4.It’s lovely to start growing hair once again 

From your armholes and earholes and holes I won’t name 

But no-one’s explained it and I’ve never read 

Why it grows down your nostrils and not on your head. 

5.When you were twenty-one all your girlfriends 

Used to say you could go like a Mercedes Benz 

Now they all say that your engine is slowing 

And they start you by hand and jump on once you’re 

going. 

6.You’ve got lotions and potions in jars and in tins 

For those wrinkles and creases all over your skin 

They fill all your cupboards from front to the back 

You’ve got more oil reserves than the whole of Iraq. 

7. Now you must have had implants, the odd tuck or two 

To keep that voluptuous shape that you do 

But with too many facelifts, it’s just as you feared 

You end up with a curly triangular beard. 

8. So don’t think that fifty’s the end of the line 

That you’ve run out of track, that you’ve run out of time 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again 

It’s not the men in your life, it’s the life in your men. 

Now That You`re Sixty 

You should think that sixty`s the end of the line 

That you`ve run out of track that you`ve run out of time 

For now that you`ve lost both your honour and zeal 

You`re only as old as the hag that you feel. 

If you`re over sixty I bet you a Euro 

That your bodily functions are practically zero 

To see yourself age is extremely distressing 

You tuck your skin in with your shirt when your dressing 

Now that you`re ancient you must be concerned 

Of the enormous amount of your candle you`ve burned 

Your wick has burnt out and your wax not that much 

It`s flat and it`s gooey and soft to the touch 

You cringe at the forest of hair you can`t tame 

From the ear and the eyebrows and holes I won`t name 

It`s dense in the nostrils from every pore 

Blowing your nose takes an hour or more 

When you were twenty one all your girlfriends 

Said that you went like a Mercedes Benz 

Now that you`re sixty with your engine dead 

The missus jump starts you in the marital bed 

You`ve got lotions and potions in barrels and tins 

For the creases and wrinkles that are now your skin 

They fill all your wardrobes from front to the back 

Your need a full bucket to fill one small crack 

Your implants were rife and the transplants worked well 

And your curly triangular beard once looked swell 

But with passage of time it`s just not your fault 

It`s patchy and white and beginning to moult 

So it`s quite true that sixty`s the end of the line 

That you`ve run out of track that you`ve run out of time 

I`ve said before and I`ll say it again 

There`s no life in your man cos it`s gone down the drain. 

64

Ode to Nottingham 

Twas in the forest of Sherwood 

in the year twelve hundred and ten, 

There lived a dealer called Robin Head, 

and his band of very merry men. 

They lived on nuts and berr-i-es, 

and the occasional spotted deer, 

Doing their macrobiotic thing, 

and dispencing of oodles of gear. 

The sound of merry laughter, 

echo'd through the forest green, 

There was old Friar Tuck, 

(with whom nothing rhymes,) 

And Marion the acid queen. 

Says Little John, "'ere, lets have some meat." 

says Robin, "Oh, what's the point?" 

"I'm tired of doing this venison thing! 

Lets go and roll a Joint." 

Just then there came upon the scene, 

a band of the sheriffs men, 

Saying "Hello, hello, hello, hello, 

and what's all this here then ?" 

"You'll have to come along with us, 

to the palace of the king. 

And Robin said, "don't be so uptight! 

I was only doing my thing." 

Now Robin bid a sad farewell, 

and to Marion he gave a kiss 

And went with certain substances, 

for further analysis. 

And the news it spread both far and wide, 

And the people all came to see, 

For the man who always gave good deals, 

Was of great popularity. 

Then robin was brought before the throne 

of Nottinghams terrible king, 

who said "for years I've been after you, 

and now you'll bloody well swing." 

"But just before I sentence you, 

for the evils wot you've done 

Tell me, what is this weed 

you grow in the woods, 

"I think I will try some!" 

So the minutes passed in silence 

and the air grew somewhat thick. 

Till the sheriff cried "Wow, the colours man!" 

and was promptly horribly sick, 

And now my story has to end 

as happily as it began. 

For while robin deals for the countryside, 

and the sheriff does Nottingham 

O Shenandoah (trad) 

O Shenandoah, I long to hear you 

Away, you rollin' river 

O Shenandoah, I long to hear you 

Away I'm bound to go 

'Cross the wide Missouri 

'Tis seven long years since last I saw you 


'Tis seven long years since last I saw you 



O Shenandoah, I'm bound to leave you 


O Shenandoah, I'm bound to leave you 



Oh Dear What Can The Matter Be? (trad. collected 

verses ed.) 

Oh dear what can the matter be? 

Seven old ladies got locked in the lavatory, 

There were there from Monday To Saturday, 

Nobody knew they were there. 

Singing oh dear what can the matter be? 

Nobody knew they were there. 

They’d all been invited to tea with the vicar, 

They went in together they thought it was quicker, 

But the lavatory door was a bit of a stickler 

And nobody knew that they were there. 

The first to go in was the nice Mrs Humphrey 

She sat on the pan and she got very comfy 

But then she found out she could not get her bum 

free 

And nobody knew she was there. 

Next to go in was that old Mrs Fry 

She took in the bottle to drink on the sly 

She jumped on the seat and fell in with a cry 


The third old lady was Emily Clancy; 

She went there 'cause something had tickled her 

fancy, 

But when she got there it was ants in her pantsy 

And nobody knew she was there 

The next was the Mayor of Chichester’s daughter 

She went in to pass some superfluous water 

She pulled on the chain & the rising tide caught her 


The fifth old dear was that nice Mrs Smart 

This is so sad it may well break your heart 

She paid her penny but could not even break wind 


The next to go in was Elizabeth Bender; 

She went there to repair a broken suspender. 

Caught up in the site of the feminine gender 


The last to go in, it was old Mrs. Draper 

She sat herself down, then found there was no 

paper 

She had to clean up with a plasterer's scraper 


The janitor came in the early morning. 

He opened the door without any warning, 

The seven old ladies their seats were adorning, 

And nobody knew they were there. 

65

Oh Sir Jasper 

Oh Sir Jasper do not touch me, 



As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all 

Oh Sir Jasper do not touch _ x3 


Oh Sir Jasper do not _ _, x3 


Oh Sir Jasper do _ _ _, x3 


Oh Sir Jasper _ _ _ _, x3 


Oh Sir _ _ _ _ _, x3 


Oh _ _ _ _ _ _, x3 


Old Dun Cow Caught Fire / When the Old Dun Cow Caught Fire 

(trad.) 

Some pals and I in a public house 

Were playing dominoes last night 

When all of a sudden in the potman rushed 

With his face all chalky white. 

What's up says Brown, Have you seen a ghost 

Have you seen your Aunt Maria? 

Oh me Aunt Maria be blowed, says he 

The bloomin' pub's on fire! 

And there was Brown, upside down 

Mopping up the whisky on the floor. 

Booze! booze!, the firemen cried 

As they came knocking at the door. 

Don't let 'em in till it's all mopped up 

Somebody! shouted Mackintyre. 

And we all got blue blind paralytic drunk 

When the Old Dun Cow caught fire. 

On fire, says Brown, What a bit of luck. 

Come along with me, cries he. 

Down in the cellar, if the fire ain't there 

We'll have a rare old spree. 

So we all trooped down with good ol' Brown 

And the beer could not be missed. 

And we hadn't been ten minutes there 

Before we all got - v-e-r-y, v-e-r-y drunk. 

Old Johnson rushed to the port wine tub 

And gave it just a few hard knocks. 

He started taking off his pantaloons 

Likewise his boots and socks. 

Hold on, says Snooks, if you want to wash your feet 

There's a tub of four-ale here. 

Don't put your trotters in the port wine tub 

When we've plenty of old stale beer. 

Just then there was such an awful crash 

And half the bloomin' roof gave way. 

We were all drowned in the firemen's hose 

Bbut still we were all gay. 

So we got some sacks and some old tin tacks 

And we nailed ourselves inside, 

And we kept on drinking good old Scotch 

Till we were bleary-eyed. 

Old Folks at Home (Stephen Foster) 

Way down upon the Swanee ribber far far away. 

Deres wha ma heart is turning ebber 

Deres wha de old folks stay. 

All up and down de whole creation sadly I roam 

Still longing for de old plantation. 

And for de old folks at home. 

All de world am sad and dreary. 

Ebrywhere I roam oh darkies how 

My heart grows weary far from de old folks at home. 

All round de little farm I wandered when I was young 

Den many happy days I squandered, many’s de songs I sang 

When I was playing wid my brudder happy was I. 

Oh take me to man kind old mudder, dere let me live and die. 

One little hut among the bushes one dat I love. 

Still sadly to ma memry rushes no matter where I rove 

When will I see de bees a humming all round de comb. 

When will I see de banjo’s strumming down in ma good ole home 

The Old Rover (Johnnerrs, tune: Wild Rover)) 

I had an old Rover for several years, 

With a dodgy transmission, and creaky old gears, 

And rot in the chassis and rust through the floor, 

Oh I never will drive that old Rover no more! 

(And it’s) No nay never, 

No nay never no more, 

Will I drive that old Rover, 

No never no more. 

I went down to a workshop I used to frequent, 

And the man said to me your subframe it is bent, 

I asked him to mend it, he answered me nay, 

You’d have to pay me to take it away. 

And so by the kerbside it just sat and ailed, 

‘Til the tax it expired and the MOT failed. 

And then the old Rover it got towed away, 

By a man in a van from the DVLA. 

They sent me a letter and said it’s been crushed. 

Creating great clouds of pollution and dust, 

It worried me not, they can do what they like, 

I think in future I’ll stick to a bike. 

Well I missed that old Rover for many a week, 

‘Til at the used car lot I just took a peek, 

And then I succumbed to temptation I fear, 

I’m the owner of a “brand new” N reg. Cavalier. 

66

The Old Sow (Sung by Albert Richardson) 

There was an old farmer he had an old sow. 

Snort ow raspberry ow whistle ide-illy-dow 

Suzanna's a funniful man 

Snort an raspberry an whistle ide-illy-dan 

Sing lassie go-rings re-low 

Suzanna's a funniful man 

Snort an raspberry an whistle ide-illy-dan 

Suzanna's a funniful man. 

Now, this old sow she some little pigs. 

Snort igs raspberry igs whistle ide-illy-digs, etc. 

Now, these little pigs they muddled them up. 

Snort up raspberry up whistle ide-illy-dup, etc. 

Now, these little pigs they had to have straw. 

Snort aw raspberry aw whistle ide-illy-daw, etc. 

Now, these little pigs they had some curly tails 

Snort ails raspberry ail whistle ide-illy-dails, etc. 

Now, these little pigs they had to be stuffed 

Snort uff raspberry uff whistle ide-illy-duff, etc. 

Now, these little pigs they made a bit of bacon 

Snort aton raspberry aton whistle ide-illy-daton, etc. 

Now, these little pigs they made a bit of ham. 

Snort am raspberry am whistle ide-illy-ham, etc 

On Ilkley Moor Baht’at (trad.) 

Wheear as tha bin since I saw thee? 

On Ilkley Moor Baht’at 

Wheear as tha bin since I saw thee x2 

On Ilkley Moor Baht’at x3 

Tha’s bin a-courtin Mary-Jane 

Tha’oo go and get tha death of cold. 

Then we shall have to bury thee. 

Then worms’ll come and eat thee up. 

Then ducks’ll come and eat worms. 

Then we shall come and eat up ducks. 

Then we shall all ‘ave etten thee. 

On the Trail of the Lonesome Pine 

(Harry Carroll / Ballard Macdonald) 

On a mountain in Virginia 

Stands a lonesome pine 

Just below is the cabin home 

Of a little girl of mine 

Her name is June, and very, very soon 

She'll belong to me 

For I know she's waiting there for me 

'Neath that lone pine tree 

In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia 

On the trail of the lonesome pine 

In the pale moon shine our hearts entwine 

Where she carved her name and I carved mine 

Oh, June, like the mountains I'm blue 

Like the pine I am lonesome for you 

In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia 

On the trail of the lonesome pine 

On Top Of Spaghetti (tune: On Top of Old Smokey) 

On top of spagetti (on top of spagetti) 

All covered with cheese (all covered with cheese) 

I lost my poor meatball (I lost my poor meatball) 

When somebody sneezed (when somebody sneezed) 

It rolled off the table (it rolled off the table) 

And onto the floor (and onto the floor) 

And then my poor meatball (and then my poor meatball) 

Rolled out of the door (rolled out of the door) 

It rolled in the garden (it rolled in the garden) 

And under a bush (and under a bush) 


Was nothing but mush (was nothing but mush) 

Alright now 

I'll tell you the words 

And you sing it back to me 

On top of spagetti (on top of spagetti) 


I lost my poor meatball (I lost my poor meatball) 

When somebody sneezed (when somebody sneezed) 

It rolled off the table (it rolled off the table) 

And onto the floor (and onto the floor) 


Rolled out of the door (rolled out of the door) 

It rolled in the garden (it rolled in the garden) 

And under a bush (and under a bush) 


Was nothing but mush (was nothing but mush) 

Oh, the mush was as tasty (oh, the mush was as tasty) 

As tasty could be (as tasty could be) 

And early next summer (and early next summer) 

It grew into a tree (it grew into a tree) 

The tree was all covered (the tree was all covered) 

With beautiful moss (with beautiful moss) 

It grew lovely meatballs (it grew lovely meatballs) 

And tomato sauce (and tomato sauce) 

So if you eat spaghetti (so if you eat spaghetti) 


Hold on to your meatball (hold on to your meatball) 

And don't ever sneeze (and don't ever sneeze) 

And don't ever sneeze 

Oo-aargh (Wurzels, tune: Ode To Joy) 

When the sun shines on the cowshed 

And the horse is eating hay 

All the cows are in the meadow 

So the milk is on its way 

Oo-aa x 16 

It’s so cosy in the kitchen 

With the smell of rabbit stew, 

When the wind blows ‘cross the farmyard 

You can smell the cowpats too 

Dear old Mabel when we’re able 

We take time down Lover’s Lane 

And we sink a pint of scrumpy 

As we play old Nature’s game. 

There’s a couple from the stud 

And she is simple, he’s a berk 

Use the same insemination 

When they frig and when they work 

67

Our Sarah (trad.) 

Now I likes our Sarah she works on our farm 

As long as she loves I I’ll do her no harm 

She tols I she’d marry I I velt twice as big 

Fer I’d rather have Sarah than farmers prize pig 

She’s proud & she’s beautiful she’s fat and she’s fair 

As the buttercups and daisies that grow everywhere 

I donner onner all dayx2 I donner on 

I donner on I donner onner all day 

Now one day when she went out milkin the cow 

The stool overbalanced and she fell somehow 

Did e urt yerself very much I started to yell 

She said tis my arm but that ain’t where I fell. 

When I courted Sarah I took ‘er to tea 

Feelin’ quite frisky I fondled her knee, 

You can’t do that yer she says, gives I a clout 

Squashed both me crumpets and me top set fell out. 

When us two gets married tis sure to be vun 

For the parson they say he makes two into one 

But I thinks it will puzzle him betwiks you and me 

There’s enough fat on Sarah to make two or three. 

Out In The Green Fields (lyrics Hopwood & Crew 1872 ad.Yetties) 

A country boy am I, a rustic bred and born, 

The larks do sing and so do I rise at the early morn, 

I never waste my time a way I’m always to be seen, 

Soon as the larks begin to crow out in the fields so green. 

Chorus: 

Oh out the green fields so happy and so gay, 

Out in the green fields a raking up the hay, 

Out in the green fields I’ll pass my time away 

And like a lark I’ll whistle in the morning. 

When sun be hot and hard the day I get the same tis true, 

Tis then i stop and take a drop of stunning home made brew, 

With a tidy smack of lunch be I at ploughtail all serene, 

Give I the open country out in the fields so green. 

My Dol she is the fairest lass for twenty miles around, 

My Dol she is the fairest lass her equal can’t be found, 

When harvest time comes round me lads each lass looks like a ueen, 

My Dol and I oh don’t we dance out in the fields so green. 

Some people say the joys of town are just the proper sort, 

Give I the chase, the hurdle race and other country sport, 

Wasting their time at night strong men are rarely ever seen, 

Give I the open country out in the fields so green. 

Outlandish Knight (trad.) 

An outlandish knight came from the northlands; 

And he came wooing to me; 

He said he would take me to foreign lands 

And he would marry me. 

Go fetch me some of your father's gold, 

And some of your mother's fee, 

And two of the best nags from out of the stable, 

Where there stand thirty and three. 

She mounted upon her milkwhite steed, 

And he on his dapple grey; 

They rode till they came unto the seaside, 

Three hours before it was day. 

Light off, light on, thy milkwhite steed; 

Deliver it up unto me; 

For six pretty maidens I have drown'd here, 

And thou the seventh shall be. 

Doff off, doff off thy silken things, 

Deliver them up unto me; 

I think that they look too rich and too gay 

To rot all in the salt sea. 

If I must doff off my silken things, 

Pray turn thy back unto me; 

For it is not fitting that such a ruffian 

A naked woman should see. 

And cut thou away the brimbles so sharp, 

The brimbles from off the brim 

That they may not tangle my curly locks, 

Nor scratch my lilywhite skin. 

He turned around his back to her 

And bent down over the brim. 

She caught him around the middle so small 

And bundled him into the stream. 

He dropped high, he dropped low, 

Until he came to the side; 

Catch hold of my hand, my fair pretty maid, 

And thee I will make my bride. 

Lie there, lie there, you false-hearted man, 

Lie there instead of me, 

For six pretty maidens hast thou a-drowned here 

The seventh hath drown-ed thee. 

She mounted on her milkwhite steed, 

And led the dapple-grey; 

She rode till she came to her father's house, 

Three hours before it was day. 

68

Over the Hills and Far Away (by George Farquhar 1706) 

Our 'prentice Tom may now refuse 

To wipe his scoundrel Master's Shoes, 

For now he's free to sing and play 

Over the Hills and far away. 

ch. Over the Hills and O'er the Main, 

To Flanders, Portugal and Spain, 

The queen commands and we'll obey 


We all shall lead more happy lives 

By getting rid of brats and wives 

That scold and bawl both night and day - 


Courage, boys, 'tis one to ten, 

But we return all gentlemen 

All gentlemen as well as they, 

Over the hills and far away. 

PADSTOW MAY SONG (trad.) 

Unite and unite, and let us all unite 

For summer is a-coming today. 

And whither we are going, we all will unite 

In the merry morning of May. 

The young men of Padstow, they might if they would – For… 

They might have built a ship and gilded it with gold – In the… 

The young women of Padstow, they might if they would – For… 

They might have built a garland with the white rose and the red –In. 

Arise up Mrs Johnston, all in your gown of green – For… 

You are as fine a lady as waits upon the queen – In the… 

O, where is King George? O where is he-o? 

He's out in his long boat, all on the salt sea-o. 

Up flies the kite; down falls the lark-o 

And Ursula Burden, she had an old yow 

And she died in her own park-o. 

Unite and unite, and let us all unite 

For summer is a-coming today. 

And whither we are going, we all will unite 

In the merry morning of May. 

With the merry spring, adieu the merry ring – For… 

How happy is the little bird that merrily doth sing – In the… 

O where are the young men that now do advance? – For… 

Some they are in England and some they are in France – In the… 

Now fare you well and we bid you all good cheer – For… 

We call no more unto your house before another year – In the… 

The Parting Glass (new lyrics & tune by The Yetties) 

To all the good times ère I`ve had, 

singing in good company 

To all the good tunes ère I`ve heard, 

surrounding me with harmony 

To those occasions great and small, 

and to those I can`t recall 

I raise to you a parting glass, 

goodnight and joy be with you all. 

To all the troubles ère I had, 

when I was lost without a song 

To all the teachers ère I had, 

who put me right when I was wrong 

To my mistakes both great and small, 


I raise to you my parting glass, 


To all the comrades ère I had, 

were sorry for my going away 

To all the sweethearts ère I had, 

who bid me stay another day 

To all those friends both great and small, 


I raise to you my parting glass, 


Peggy Gordon 

(Collected in Nova Scotia by Helen Creighton 

sung by Tony Saletan and by Robin & Barry 

Dranesfield) 

O Peggy Gordon, You are my darling 

Come sit you down upon my knee 

And tell to me the very reason 

Why I am slighted so by thee 

I am so deep in love that I can't deny it 

My heart lies smothered in my breast 

But it's not for you to let the whole world know it 

A troubled mind can find no rest 

I leaned myself on a cask of brandy 

It was my fancy, I do declare 

For when I'm drinking, I'm always thinking 

Wishing Peggy Gordon was there 

I wished I was in a lonesome valley 

Where womankind cannot be found 

And the pretty little birds do change their voices 

And every moment a different sound 

I wish I was away in Ingo 

Far away across the briny sea 

Sailing over deepest waters 

Where love nor care never troubled me 

69

Pepy`s Diary (Benny Hill) 

A shy young maid has took a room down at the Village Inn. 

Her bedside light is oh so bright and the curtains oh so thin. 

At nine o'clock, she enters her room, at half past nine, she sleeps. 

Lord Clarendon walks quickly on. but naughty Samuel Pepys. 

Oh we know it's right. 

It's in black and white. 

And it's all written down in his diary! 

I went to rent a ladie's house she handed me the key. 

She said, "It's to be let as it stands with all that you can see." 

"And are you to be left with the house?", said I in a saucy tone. 

She said, "I'm not to be let with the house, I'm to be left alone!" 

Squire Pitt locked his wife in her chastity belt then climbed upon his horse. 

He left the key with the footman, lest he was killed in the wars. 

He'd not gone far when the footman shouted breathlessly. 

He said, "Squire Pitt, this key doesn't fit!" Squire Pitt said, "You're tellin' me!" 

Halfway up a wall outside a castle in Traymere 

There is a sign that reads "The Duke Of Denby Was Born Here". 

I've traveled far and I've traveled wide but I never can recall 

Ever hearing of a Duke being born halfway up a wall! 

Last Thursday morn, my wife gave birth to a lovely baby boy. 

As the doctor took me to see them my heart was filled with joy! 

When he said, "He's got your husband's nose", my wife looked quite suprised. 

She said, "That may be but you must agree he's got his father's eyes!" 

Pleasant and Delightful (trad. See “Bar It Smelt Malodorous”) 

It was pleasant and delightful one midsummer’s morn 

When the fields and the meadows we all covered with corn 

And the blackbirds and thrushes sang on every green spray 

And the larks, they sang melodious at the dawning of the day 

And the larks, they sang melodious 

And the larks, they sang melodious 

And the larks, they sang melodious at the dawning of the day. 

A sailor and his true love were a’walking one day 

Said the sailor to his true love, I am bound far away 

I am bound for the East Indies, where the loud cannons roar 

I must go & leave my Nancy, she’s the girl that I adore. (Repeat) 

Then the ring from off her finger she instantly drew 

Saying take this, my dearest William and my heart will go too 

And whilst he stood embracing her, tears from her eyes fell 

Saying may I go along with you, oh no alas, farewell.(Repeat) 

Phantom Flasher 

(Gary & Vera Aspey, tune: The Keeper) 

With his needle here and smell of gin…. 

he walks the streets of Uffington 

The police would like a word with him. 

He is the Phantom Flasher. 

Who is he? Don’t know Is he here? Probably 

Think I see him sitting next to you. 

The famous Phantom Flasher 

With his old grey coat and tattered hat 

he’ll stop you for a friendly chat 

You’ll be surprised when he shows you that 

he is the Phantom Flasher. 

If you’re walking along all fancy free 

he could be lurking ‘round a tree 

He’ll go to any lengths you see. 

The famous Phantom Flasher. 

If he is ever down your way he’ll say, 

“It looks nice out today.” 

Just say, “That’s fine but put it away, 

You nasty Phantom Flasher.” 

If you see him when you’re wandering home 

and you find he’s caught you all alone 

Just say, “No thanks I’ll smoke my own. 

You nasty Phantom Flasher.. 

70 

Poacher’s Christmas (Kipper Family, tune "Twelve Days.of C) 

On the first day of Christmas my dog and I brought back 

A partridge in an old sack. 

On the second day of Christmas my dog and I brought back 

Two moorhens and a partridge in an old sack 

On the third day…..Three lame ducks… 

On the fourth day…..Four bald coots… 

On the fifth day…..Five poached eggs…. 

On the sixth day…..Six beautiful turkeys….. 

On the seventh day…..Seven pleasant pheasants… 

On the eighth day….Eight stone crows…. 

On the ninth day….Nine breeding rabbits ( all with dirty 

habits)…… 

On the tenth day…..Ten hares receding….. 

On the eleventh day……Eleven Salmon smoking…. 

On the twelfth day….Twelve stags a rutting…. 

On the thirteenth day……My dog and I got caught with…..

Policeman’s Lot (Gilbert & Sullivan) 

When a felon’s not engaged in his employment 

Or maturing his felonious plans 

His capacity for innocent enjoyment 

Is just as great as any honest man’s 

Our feelings we with difficulty smother 

When constabulary duties to be done 

Ah take one consideration with another 

A policeman’s lot is not a happy one. 

When constabulary duties to be done to be done 

A policeman’s lot is not a happy one, happy one 

When an enterprising burglar’s not a burgling 

When the cut throat isn’t occupied in crime 

He loves to hear the little brook a gurgling 

And listen to the merry village chime 

When the coster’s finished jumping on his mother 

He loves to lie a basking in the sun 

Ah take one consideration with another 

A policeman’s lot is not a happy one. 

Poor Old Joe (Stephen C. Foster) 

Gone are the days when my heart was young & gay. 

Gone are my friends from the cotton fields away. 

Gone from the earth to a better land I know. 

I hear their gentle angels calling 

Poor Old Joe. 

I’m coming, I’m coming though my head is bending low. 

I hear their gentle angels calling 

Poor Old Joe. 

Why do I weep when my heart should feel no pain? 

Why do I sigh when my friends come not again? 

Grieving for forms now departed long ago 

I hear… 

Where are the hearts once so happy and so free? 

The children so dear I held upon my knee? 

Gone to the shore where my soul has longed to go. 

I hear…. 

Pop a Dom Dom-(Keith Donnelly, tune: Drummer Boy) 

Two chipatties please and a pop a dom dom 

Prawn Biriani please and a pop a dom dom 

A crocodiless Madras please and a pop a dom dom 

Two pints of lager please and a pop a dom dom 


A mushroom Patia please and a pop a dom dom 

Vegetikka Massala please and a pop a dom dom 

A big jug of water please and a pop a dom dom 


A Lamb Passanda please and a pop a dom dom 

A Lobster Vindaloo please and a pop a dom dom 

Six pints of anything please and a pop a dom dom. 

71 

A Poor Old Man Was Crossing the Road (as sung by Peter Jones of Kennet) 

A poor old man was crossing the road, 

Was crossing the road, was crossing the road 


When along came a one wheel wheel barrow. 

O please don`t let your one wheel wheelbarrow, your one wheel 

wheelbarrow, 

Your one wheel wheelbarrow 

Oh please don`t let your one wheel barrow 

Run over the poor old man. 


Was crossing the road, was crossing the road 


When along came a fish and chip potato wagon, 

One wheel wheel barrow. 

O please don`t let your fish and chip potato wagon, one wheel wheel barrow 

Your fish and chip potato wagon, 

one wheel wheel barrow 

Your fish and chip potato wagon, 

one wheel wheel barrow 

O please don`t let your fish and chip potato wagon one wheel wheelbarrow 

Run over the poor old man. 

(add) trolley bus with no wipers 

corporation water cart what sucks water out of holes 

wead range wover with a wusty wead woof wack 

ransoms road roller with a revolving regulator 

busty blonde bimbo with blue bra. 

Postman`s Knock (trad.) 

What a wonderful man the postman is as he hastens from door to door! 

What medley of news his hands contain 

For either rich and poor! 

In many's the face the joy he can trace, 

As many a grief he can see, 

Then you open the door to his loud rat-tat 

And his quick delivery. 

Every morning as true as the clock somebody hears the postman's 

knock.(twice) 

Number 1 he presents with news of a birth with tidings of death, number 4, 

And at 13 a bill of terrible length 

He drops through a hole in the door; 

Now a check or an order in 15 he leaves 

In 16 his presence to prove, 

While 17 doth an acknowledgement get, 

And 18 a letter of love.

Pretty Little Polly Perkins 

(Written & Performed by Harry Clifton - 1865) 

I am a broken-hearted milkman, in grief I'm arrayed 

Through keeping of the company of a young servant maid 

Who lived on board and wages, the house to keep clean 

In a gentleman's family near Paddington Green 

She was as beautiful as a butterfly and proud as a Queen 

Was pretty little Polly Perkins of Paddington Green 

She'd an ankle like an antelope and a step like a deer 

A voice like a blackbird, so mellow and clear 

Her hair hung in ringlets so beautiful and long 

I thought that she loved me but I found I was wrong 



When I'd rattle in the morning and cry "Milk below" 

At the sound of my milk cans her face she did show 

With a smile upon her countenance and a laugh in her eye 

If I'd thought that she loved me I'd have laid down to die 



When I asked her to marry me, she said "Oh what stuff" 

And told me to drop it, for she'd had quite enough 

Of my nonsense... At the same time, I'd been very kind 

But to marry a milkman she didn't feel inclined 



"The man that has me must have silver and gold 

A chariot to ride in and be handsome and bold 

His hair must be curly as any watch-spring, 

And his whiskers as big as a brush for clothing" 



The words that she uttered went straight through my heart 

I sobbed and I sighed, and I straight did depart 

With a tear on my eyelid as big as a bean 

I bid farewell to Polly and to Paddington Green 



In six months she married, this hard-hearted girl 

But it was not a Wi-count, and it was not a Nearl 

It was not a Baronite, but a shade or two wuss 

It was a bow-legged conductor of a tuppenny bus 



Rare Bog (trad.) 

Rare bog the rattlin' bog, the bog down in the valley-o 

Rare bog the rattlin' bog, the bog down in the valley-o 

And in that bog there was a tree, 

A rare tree, a rattlin' tree 

With the tree in the bog 

And the bog down in the valley-o. 

Now on that tree there was a limb, 

A rare limb, a rattlin' limb 

With the limb on the tree and the tree in the bog 

And the bog down in the valley-o. 

Now on that limb there was a branch, 

A rare branch, a rattlin' branch 

With the branch on the limb and the limb on the tree etc 

twig..... 

nest 

egg 

bird 

feather 

flea. 

Right Said Fred (music Ted Dicks and lyrics Myles Rudge) 

Right said Fred both of us together 

One each end and steady as we go 

Tried to shift it couldn’t even lift it 

We was getting nowhere And so we had a cup of tea 

And right said Fred give a shout to Charli 

Up comes Charlie from the floor below 

After straining, heaving and complaining 

We was getting nowhere And so we had a cup of tea 

And Charlie had a think and he thought we ought 

To take off all the handles 

And the things what held the candles 

But it did no good well I never thought it would 

All right said Fred have to take the feet off 

To get them feet off wouldn’t take a mo’ 

Took its feet off, even with the seat off 

Should have got us somewhere but NO! 

So Fred said let’s have another cup of tea 

And we said right – O! 

72

Right Said Fred (cont.) 

Right said Fred have to take the door off 

Need more space to shift the so-and-so 

Had bad twinges taking off the hinges 

And it got us nowhere And so we had a cup of tea 

And right said Fred have to take the wall down 

That there wall is gonna have to go 

Took the wall down, even with it all down 

We was getting nowhere, & so we had a cup of tea 

And Charlie had a think and he said 

Look Fred I’ve got a sort of feeling 

If we remove the ceiling, with a rope or two 

We could drop the blighter through 

All right said Fred climbing up a ladder 

With his crowbar gave a mighty blow 

Was he in trouble 

Half a ton of rubble 

Landed on the top of his dome 

So Charlie and me had another cup of tea 

And then we went home 

You know I said to Charlie 

“We just have to leave it standing on the landing 

that’s all. 

Trouble with Fred is he’s too hasty. 

You never get nowhere if you’re too hasty 

Roast Beef Of Old England (trad) 

When mighty roast beef was the Englishman's food 

It ennobl'd our veins and enriched our blood 

Our soldiers were brave and our courtiers were 

good 

Oh! The roast beef of Old England, 

and Old English roast beef. 

But since we have learned from all vapouring 

France 

To eat their ragouts, as well as to dance. 

We are fed up with nothing but vain complaisance 



Our fathers, of old, were robust, stout and strong 

And kept open house, with good cheer all day long. 

Which made their plump tenants rejoice in this song 



But now we are dwindled, to what shall I name 

A sneaking poor race, half begotten and tame 

Who sully those honours that once shone in fame 



When good Queen Elizabeth sat on the throne 

E'er coffee and tea and such slip-slops were known 

The world was in terror if e'er she did frown. 



In those days, if fleets did presume on the main 

They seldom, or never, return'd back again 

As witness, the vaunting Armada of Spain. 



Oh! Then we had stomachs to eat, and to fight 

And when wrongs were a-cooking to do ourselves 

right 

But now we're a... I could, but goodnight. 



Rolling Drunk (Chris Sugden, tune: Rolling Home) 

As I come out this evening my missus she proclaim; 

"Remember how you said last week you'd never drink again?" 

If she thought that I'd remember, 

another thought she should have thunk; 

It's Friday night, and I think I might get rolling drunk. 

Rolling drunk, we will get rolling drunk, 

We will get rolling, rolling, we will get rolling drunk. 

Now some of us sip cider, while some prefer the porter; 

Some they have their whisky neat, and some with soda water. 

Add all them somes together, and the answer you can't flunk - 

You'll have too much, and carry one home rolling drunk. 

Bartholomew have never smoked a fag in all his life; 

He only eats raw onions, and he's never had a wife; 

Nor anybody else's - he lives just like a monk. 

Religiously each Friday he gets rolling drunk. 

Now just the other Friday the doctor he declared; 

A history of boozing means your brain could be impared. 

And so we set to proving that history is bunk - 

Oh he imbibed what we prescribed, now he's rolling drunk. 

And when the Inn have closed I will weave my way back home, 

Full of the joys of Spring and singing loudly out of tune. 

And if you should see me standing behind some old tree trunk, 

I'm simply letting steam off, 'cos I'm rolling drunk. 

Rolling Home (John Tams lyrics) 

Round goes the wheel of fortune 

Don't be afraid to ride 

There's a land of milk and honey 

Waits on the other side 

There'll be peace and there'll be plenty 

You'll never need to roam 

When we go rolling home, when we go rolling home. 

Rolling home, when we go rolling home 

When we go rolling, rolling, when we go rolling home 

The gentry in their fine array, 

Do prosper night and morn 

While we unto the fields must go 

To plough and sow their corn 

The rich may steal the power 

But the glory's ours alone 

When we go rolling home (etc) 

The frost is on the hedgerow 

The icy winds do blow 

While we poor weary labourers 

Strive through the driving snow 

Our dreams fly up to glory 

Up where the lark has flown 


The summer of resentment 

The winter of despair 

The journey to contentment 

Is set with trap and snare 

Stand to and stand together 

Your labour's yours alone 


So pass the bottle round 

And let the toast go free 

Here's a health to every labourer 

Wherever they may be 

Fair wages now and ever 

Let's reap what we have sown 


And….Round goes the Waggon and Horses 

Don`t ever shut your eyes 

Cos you`ll start to feel quite queasy 

As the room swings side to side 

You`ll be reminded what your supper was 

As you spew up on your bunk 

When we are rolling drunk when we are rolling drunk 

Rolling drunk, when we are rolling drunk 

When we are rolling, rolling 

When we are rolling drunk. 

73

The Rose of Allendale (trad, see “Nose of Alan Dale”) 

The morn was fair, the skies were clear 

No breath came o'er the sea 

When Mary left her highland home 

And wandered forth with me 

Though flowers decked the mountainside 

And fragrance filled the vale 

By far the sweetest flower there 

Was the Rose of Allendale 



By far the sweetest flower there 


Where'er I wandered, east or west 

Tho' fate began to sour 

A solace still was she to me 

In sorrow's lonely hour 

When tempests lashed our lonely barque 

And rent her shiv'ring sails 

One maiden form withstood the storm 

'Twas the Rose of Allendale 

And when my fever'd lips were parched 

On Afric's burning sands 

She whispered hopes of happiness 

And tales of distant lands 

My life has been a wilderness 

Unblest by fortune's gale 

Had fate not linked my lot to hers 

The Rose of Allendale 

Route 66 (Chris Sugden) 

Driving along in my motor car 

My girl said we mustn’t go too far. 

All the way these thoughts in my mind. 

All the way or I’m wasting my time. 

Driving along with my little chick on the B1436 

My girl is less a chick than a heifer. 

She fills the back seat of my Zephyr. 

She just set me a bit poser. 

Am I a bull or just a dozer. 

She’s pressed my horn just for fun on the B1151 

From Brommit to Californee i ay 

That’s 30 miles but it takes all day 

Stopping at the wayside Inn 

She only do 3 miles per gin. 

1 over the 8 and feeling fine on the B1159 

Cruising along on a Norfolk Broad, 

My navigation was somewhat flawed. 

As a boat this car is rotten 

That’s not how I thought of touching the bottom 

Hoping I can reach the shore on the B3354 

Shuffling home oh what a farce 

That’s the last time I mix women and cars 

My motors sunk and so are me hopes 

Me girls gone off with another bloke 

Walking home half alive on the B1145 

Don’t these bus stops make you sick? 

This used to be Route 66 

(Young) Sailor Cut Down in His Prime 

(Louis Killen, from Yetties track) 

As I was a walking down by the Royal Albion 

Cold was the morning and dark was the day 

When who should I see but one of me shipmates 

Wrapped up in flannel yet colder than clay 

Then beat the drum lowly 

And play the fife merrily 

Sound the dead march as you carry him on 

Take him to the graveyard 

Fire four volleys oèr him 

For he's a young sailor cut down in his prime 

He asked for a candle to light him to bed with, 

Likewise a flannel to wrap round his head, 

For his poor head was aching, 

His poor heart was breaking, 

And he was a sailor cut down in his prime. 

His poor good old mother, his poor good old father, 

Oft-times had told him about his past life 

When along with those flash girls 

His money he squandered, 

And along with those flash girls 

He took his own life. 

On the top of the street you will see two girls standing, 

One to the other they whispered and said: 

Here comes the young man whose money we squandered, 

Here comes the young sailor cut down in his prime. 

On the top of his tombstone you'll see these words written, 

All you young men take a warning by me 

And never go courting with the girls of the city, 

Flash girls of the city were the ruin of me. 

Sailing (Gavin Sutherland 1972) 

I am sailing, I am sailing, 

Home again cross the sea. 

I am sailing, stormy waters, 

To be near you, to be free. 

I am flying, I am flying, 

Like a bird cross the sky. 

I am flying, passing high clouds, 

To be with you, to be free. 

Can you hear me, can you hear me 

Thro the dark night, far away, 

I am dying, forever trying, 

To be with you, who can say. 

Can you hear me, can you hear me, 

Thro the dark night far away. 

I am dying, forever trying, 

To be with you, who can say. 

74

Sailing On the Briny Sea (Miles Wootton) 

There's barnicles on my binnacles, 

my compass is up the creek 

There's a bowline in my granny knot 

I think I've sprung a leek 

I never could stand water 

I get see sick in the Rain 

Take me back to dry land, take me back again 

I'm sailing, sailing, sailing on the briny sea 

Bailing, bailing, the water's half way up my knee 

Theres a speck on the horizon. Is it land at sight 

It might be Australia 

Or perhaps the Isle of Wight 

I'm listing slowly starboard 

'cause I've drunk all the port 

I don't think I'm a sailor 

I don't think I'm the sort 

The barometer is falling, a hurricane is due 

I think I've got the scurvy 

The ships cats got the flue 

There's a killer whale on the starboard bow 

Crusing hungrily 

Take me back to dry land 

The sea's too wet for me 

I ought to man the lifeboat but I haven't any crew 

I've radio-ed for assistance 

But just get radio 2 

HArk a voice is calling 

Across the starboard bow 

"Come in number 30 

Your time's up now!" 

Scarborough Fair (trad.) 

Areyou going to Scarborough Fair? 

Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme 

Remember me to one who lives there 

She once was a true love of mine 

Tell her to make me a cambric shirt 


Without no seams nor needlework 

Then she'll be a true love of mine. 

Tell her to find me an acre of land 


Between the salt water and the sea strands 

Then she'll be a true love of mine. 

Tell her to reap it with a sickle of leather 


And gather it all in a bunch of heather 

Then she'll be a true love of mine 

Are you going to Scarborough Fair 


Remember me to one who lives there 

She once was a true love of mine 

75 

The Scottish Soldier 

(lyrics by Andy Stewart, tune “Green Hills of Tyrol which is a 

bagpipe melody”) 

There was a soldier, a Scottish soldier 

Who wandered far away and soldiered far away 

There was none bolder, with good broad shoulder 

He's fought in many a fray, and fought and won. 

He'd seen the glory and told the story 

Of battles glorious and deeds neforious 

But now he's sighing, his heart is crying 

To leave these green hills of Tyrol. 

Because these green hills are not highland hills 

Or the island hills, the're not my land's hills 

And fair as these green foreign hills may be 

They are not the hills of home. 

And now this soldier, this Scottish soldier 

Who wandered far away and soldiered far away 

Sees leaves are falling and death is calling 

And he will fade away, in that far land. 

He called his piper, his trusty piper 

And bade him sound a lay... a pibroch sad to play 

Upon a hillside, a Scottish hillside 

Not on these green hills of Tyrol. 

And so this soldier, this Scottish soldier 

Will wander far no more and soldier far no more 

And on a hillside, a Scottish hillside 

You'll see a piper play his soldier home. 

He'd seen the glory, he'd told his story 

Of battles glorious and deeds victorious 

The bugles cease now, he is at peace now 

Far from those green hills of Tyrol. 

And so this soldier, this Scottish soldier 

Will wander far no more and soldier far no more 

And on a hillside, a Scottish hillside 

You'll see a piper play his soldier home. 

He'd seen the glory, he'd told his story 

Of battles glorious and deeds victorious 

The bugles cease now, he is at peace now 

Far from those green hills of Tyrol. 

Joke: A Scottish soldier in full highland dress marches into chemist. The 

Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, opens it 

to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds to reveal a condom. The 

condom has a number of patches on it. 

He holds it up. "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist. 

"Six pence," says the pharmacist. 

"How much for a new one?” "Ten pence." The Scot folds the condom into 

the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches 

down the aisle and out the door of the pharmacy. A moment or two latera 

great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks into 

the pharmacy again and back to the pharmacist. 

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one.”

The Seven-Day License of Joseph McHugh (Noel 

Murphy) 

Come all ye young fellows who travel the land, 

In search of the craic with guitar in your hand. 

Go down to Liscannor, in the sweet County Clare, 

Sure you'll find a pub in it, that's ever so rare 

Go into McHugh's at the center of town, 

You'll get a warm welcome from all those around 

The one-legged canary will sing how'd ye do, 

In the seven-day license of Joseph Mchugh. 

Fill 'em up round the house again, Joseph McHugh. 

You'll meet men from Moher, Lisdoon, and Renine 

A Judge from Lahinch, and the odd beauty queen. 

Sure a tinker from Kerry drops in for a glass, 

A box of rat poison and oats for his ass. 

Joe strolls up the bar like a captain on deck, 

He don't tip his cap, and he don't give a wreck, 

If you're Irish, or Spanish, or Russian, or Jew, 

You'll get a warm welcome from Joseph McHugh. 


The shop is well stocked for all comers to see 

With the brushes and buckets and vats of whisky 

There`s old liquorice alsorts displayed in glass jars 

An rusty old space suit just imported from Mars 

There`s onions stacked up and some fine hairy rope 

A picture of Joe shaking hands with the pope 

He`s our parish priest that`s the truth I tell you 

He cares about publican Joseph McHugh. 

Well he sells streaky bacon all covered in salt, 

To stop the blue-bottles from making a hault. 

He has cups for coursing, some say that's not fair, 

But Liscannor is famous for chasing the hare. 

He's a bachelor gay, at the market I hear, 

He may make a move at the end of the year, 

But if his greyhound has pups, you can say 

tooraloo, 

For he'll never get married will Joseph McHugh. 


So there now, you have it, this song I declare, 

About a wee pub in the sweet county Clare. 

Where time has stopped still, and the auld ways 

remain, 

And they laugh at computers and internet games. 

So if you're in trouble, find yourself in a jam, 

Want a wife, or a greyhound, or a half-pound of 

ham, 

You can do a lot worse, that`s the truth I'll tell you, 

Than to visit Liscannor and Joseph McHugh. 



Sexual Life of a Camel 

(tune: Eton Boat Song, Rugby song lyrics) 

The sexual life of the camel 

Is stranger than anyone thinks, 

At the height of the mating season 

He tries to xxxxxx the sphinx, 

But the sphinx’s posterior sphincter 

Is all clogged by the sands of the Nile, 

Which accounts for the hump on the camel 

And the sphinx’s inscrutable smile. 

Sexual Life of a Camel (cont) 

Ch1:We're all queers together, 

Excuse us while we go upstairs, 

Yes! We`re all queers together. 

And nobody bloody well cares. 

Ch2 or try singing with verse… 

Rub titty titty rub titty titty 

(last line rub titty titty tit) 

In the process of civilization, 

From anthropoid ape down to man, 

It is generally held that the navy, 

Has bxxxxxxx whatever it can. 

Yet recent extensive researches, 

By Darwin and Huxley and Hall, 

Have conclusively proven that the hedgehog, 

Cannot be xxxxxxxx at all. 

The sexual life of the ostrich 

is stranger than that of man. 


she buries her head in the sand. 

When along comes the male of the species 

and sees that ass high in the air, 

He wonder's if it's male or female, 

and says "What the xxxx do I care?!?" 

It was Christmas Eve in the harem 

The eunuchs all standing there, 

A hundred dusky maidens, 

Combing their pubic hair. 

When along came Father Christmas, 

Striding down the marble halls, 

When he asked what they wanted for Christmas, 

The eunuchs all answered, "Balls!" 

Oh, the old men were having a birthday, 

Standing at the bar, 

Thinking about the old times, 

Thinking back so far. 

When along came a dusky maiden, 

By Christ, she was so fair, 

When she asked what they'd like for their birthday, 

The old men all shouted, "Hair!" 

The sexual life of a bullfrog is understood by some, 


He crawls up the bum of his chum. 

But this vile, stinking orifice 

Is filled with foul gases and slime, 

Which accounts for his full throated croak and 

Why he makes the sound "ugh" all the time. 

We therefore believe our conclusion, 

Is incontrovertibly shown 

That comparative safety on shipboard, 

Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone, 

Why haven't they done it a Spithead, 

As they have at Harvard and Yale, 

And also at Oxford and Cambridge, 

By shaving the spines off the tail? 

76 

And…I placed as sixpence on the lavatory floor. When 

Clarence bent to retrieve it I was standing behind the door. 

I rode the puff puff yesterday,There was barely room to stand. 

A little chap offered me his seat, So I felt for it with my hand. 

This morn' I went to my tailor.He said, "What can I do for you Jack?" 

I said, "A pair of velvet trousers with the zipper up the back.!"

Shanty Page 1 

A Drop Of Nelson`s Blood (trad) 

A drop of Nelson's blood wouldn't do us any harm 

(3x) 

And we'll all hang on behind. 

So we'll roll the old chariot along 

An' we'll roll the golden chariot along. 

So we'll roll the golden chariot along 

An' we'll all hang on behind! 

A plate of Irish stew wouldn't do us any harm... 

A nice fat cook wouldn't do us any harm... 

A roll in the clover wouldn't do us any harm... 

A long spell in gaol wouldn't do us any harm... 

A round on the house wouldn't do us any harm... 

A glass of hot whiskey wouldn't do us any harm... 

If the devil's in the road, we'll roll it over him. 

Roll Alabama Roll (trad.) 

When the Alabama's keel was laid, 

Roll, Alabama, roll 

It was laid in the yard of Jonathan Laird, 

Oh roll, Alabama, roll 

It was laid in the yard of Jonathan Laird 

It was laid in the town of Birkenhead 

Down the Mersey she sailed then 

Liverpool fitted her with guns and men 

Down the Mersey way she then sailed forth 

To destroy the commerce of the North 

To Cherbourg port she sailed one day 

To collect her share of prize money 

But the Alabama met her doom 

When the Kearsage appeared in view 

A shot from her starboard gun that day 

Shot the Alabama's stern away. 

Off the three-mile limit in 'sixty-five 

The Alabama went to her grave 

Haul on the Bowline (trad) 

Haul on the bowline Kitty is me darlin' 

Haul on the bowline, the bowline, haul 

Haul on the bowline so early in the mornin' 


Haul on the bowline before the day is dawnin' 


Haul on the bowline the fore t'gallant bowline 


Haul on the bowline the wind she is a-howlin' 


Haul on the bowline the mate he is a-growlin' 


Haul on the bowline we'll either break or bend it 


Haul on the bowline we're men enough to mend it 


Haul on the bowline we'll haul away together 


Haul on the bowline we'll hang for better weather 


Haul on the bowline the bonnie, bonnie bowline 


Haul on the bowline, the bowline, the bowline 


Haul Away Joe (trad. Jolly Roger`s version) 

When I was a little boy so my mother told me, 

to me Way haul away, we'll haul away Joe 

That if I did not kiss the girls, my lips would all grow mouldy, to me 

Way haul away, we'll haul away Joe 

Way haul away, the good ship now is rolling, 


First I met a Yankee girl and she was fat and lazy, to me 


Then I met an Irish girl, she damn near drove me crazy, to me 


King Louis was the king of France before the revolution, 


And then he got his head cut off, it spoiled his constitution, 


Way haul away, we're bound for better weather, to me 


77

Shanty Page 2 

Haul 'Er Away (trad) 

Little Daisy Dawson 

Haul 'Er Away! 

She's got flannel drawers on 


So says our ol' bosun 


With a hauley high-O! 


Little Sally Racket 

She's pawned my best jacket 

And she's lost the ticket. 

Little Betty Baker 

Ran off with a Quaker 

Guess her mum could shake 'er. 

Little Susie Skinner 

Says she's a beginner 

But prefers it to 'er dinner. 

Little Flo Fanana 

Slipped on a banana 

Now she can't play the pianner. 

Little Rosie Riddle 

Broke her brand new fiddle 

Got a hole right in the middle. 

Little Polly Walker 

Ran off with a hawker 

Oh, he was a corker. 

Little Kitty Carson 

Ran off with a parson 

Now she has a little barson. 

Little Winnie Duckett 

Washes in a bucket 

She's a whore but she don't look it. 

Up me fightin' cocks, now 

Up and split them blocks, now. 

Up and stretch 'er luff boys & that'll be enough boys 

Stormy Weather (trad.) 

She flies away and she sails like heck 

But there aint no bargeman on the deck 

Stormy weather boys, stormy weather boys 

When the wind blows our barge will go 

There’s a crash and a bump and she’s ashore 

The Mate shay “Christ, we’re on the Nore” 

Then up jumped a mermaid covered in mud 

Took her down to the fo’c’sle and had a good time 

On the top of the tide the barge did fleet 

When the maid sees a ghost on the topsail sheet 

So awar we go and the ghost did steer 

And the cook drunk the drops of the old man’s beer 

Sante Anno (trad) 

Santy Anna gained the day Away Santy Anno 

Santy Anna gained the day All on the plains of Mexico 

Mexico, oh Mexico, Away Santy Anno 

Mexico is a place I know, All on the plains of Mexico 

Them yaller girls I do adore….. 

With their shinin' eyes and their cold black hair… 

Why do them yaller girls love me so 

Because I won't tell them all I know 

Them Liverpool girls don't use no comb 

They combs their hair with a kipper backbone 

When I was a young man in me prim 

I knocked them scouse girls two at a time 

Times is hard and the wages lo 

It's time for us to roll and go 

South Australia (trad) 

In South Australia I was born, heave away, haul away, 

In South Australia round Cape Horn, 

We’re bound for South Australia. 

Ch. Heave away you rollikins, heave away, haul away, 

Heave away you’ll hear me sing, 


As I walked out one morning fair, heave away, haul away, 

‘Twas there I met Miss Nancy Blair, 


I shook her up I shook her down, heave away, haul away, 

I shook her round and round the town, 


There ain’t but one thing grieves me mind, heave away, haul 

away, 

To leave Miss Nancy Blair behind, 


And now we’re sailing round Cape Horn, heave away, haul 

away, 

You’ll wish to God you’d never been born, 


And now I’m safely on dry land, heave away, haul away, 

With a bottle of whisky in me hand, 


Well there ain’t no soul around Orford Ness 

When the wind blows round the south so’west 

We reached our port all safe and sound 

And tied her up on Yarmouth Sound 

So after all our fears and alarms 

We all ended up in the Druids Arms 

78

Shanty Page 3 

The Rigs of London Town (trad.) 

From London town I went astray 

It was down Cheapside I lost my way 

The finest girl I ever did meet 

She treated me with kisses sweet 

I was up to the rigs down to the jigs 

Up to the rigs of London town 

Up to the rigs down to the jigs 

Up to the rigs of London town 

She took me to some house of fame 

At the sign of the Ship in Water Lane 

A roaring supper she did call 

Thinking I would pay for it all 

When supper was over and the table clear 

She called me her jolly and her roving dear 

She called for wine both white and red 

And a chambermaid to make our bed 

Now between the hours of one and two 

She asked me if to bed I'd go 

And therewith I did give consent 

And up to the bedroom door we went 

Now when this fair maid got fast asleep 

It was out of the bedroom door I creep 

I stole her watch her silken gown 

Her golden ring and twenty pound 

So come all you lads wherever you be 

And you meet with a girl who's jolly and free 

You use her well for I done the same 

But remember the Ship in Water Lane 

The Derelict / Yo Ho Ho & a Bottle of Rum) (Young Ewing 

Allison, Jolly Roger`s version) 

Fifteen men on the Dead Man’s Chest. 

Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum! 

Drink and the devil had done for the rest. 


The mate was fixed by the boson’s pike, 

The boson brained with a marlin spike, 

And cookie’s throat was marked belike. 

It had been gripped by fingers ten, 

And there they lay all good dead men. 

Like break of day at a boozin’ ken 


Fifteen men of a whole ship’s list...Yo 

Dead and be-damned and the rest gone whist... Yo 

The skipper lay with his knob in gore, 

With a scullion’s axe his cheek had shore. 

And the scullion he was stabbed times four. 

And there they in the soggy skies, 

Dripped all day long in up staring eyes. 

At murk sunset, and at foul sunrise. 


Fifteen men of them stiff and stark. ..Yo 

Ten of the crew had the murder mark. ...Yo 

‘Twas a cutlass swipe or an ounce of lead, 

Or a yawing hole in a battered head. 

And the scuppers glut with a rotting red. 

And there they lay, “I damn me eyes”, 

All lookouts clapped on paradise, 

All souls bound just contrary-wise. 


Roll Me Hearties (The Jolly Rogers) 

Our ship sailed out from Portsmouth town 

Roll me hearties, heave – ho! 

She was a gallant ship both fore and aft 

Now roll me hearties, heave – ho! 

Roll me hearties, heave – ho 

And bring her about with a heave and a ho now 


A pirate crew with a captain bold 

Now roll me hearties, heave – ho! 


Seeking ships for silver and gold 

There’s a gale a-brewin’, so bring her about now 

With Captain Thomson at her wheel 

We took all ships with shot and steel 

And point her bow into the gale now 

We turned for port with gold in store 

As we neared the rocks the mainsail tor 

The gale is here, God save us now, boys 

“We’re lost me boys”, the pilot said 

“We’re goin’ down, we’ll all be dead!” 

With a terrible crash she broke in two 

Their bones on the bottom, as white as snow 

In the embrace of Davy Jones 

That pirate crew all roasts in Hell now 

Roll me hearties, heave ---- HO! 

The Derelict (cont) 

Fifteen men of the good and true...Yo 

Every man-jack could have sailed with Old Pew! ..Yo 

There was chest on chest full of Spanish gold, 

With a ton of plate, in the middle hold. 

And cabins riot of loot untold! 

And they lay there, that had took the plumb, 

With sightless glares, and their lips struck dumb. 

While we shared all, by the rule of thumb. 


More was seen by the stern light screen. .Yo, 

Chartings, no doubt, where a woman had been. Yo, 

A flimsy shift of a bunker cot, 

With a thin dirk-slot through the bosom spot. 

And the lace stiff-dry in a purplish blot. 

Or was she a wench, some shuttering maid, 

That dared the knife, and took the blade. 

By God, she was stuff for a plucky jade! 


Fifteen men on the Dead Man’s Chest.. Yo 

Drink and the Devil had done for the rest. Yo, 

We wrapped them all in the mainsail tight. 

With twice-ten turns of a hawsers bight. 

Then we heaved them over and out of sight! 

With a “Yo, Heave Ho!” and a “Fair you well!” 

And a sullen plunge in a sullen swell. 

Ten fathoms deep, on the road to Hell... 


79

Shanty Page 4 

Pay Me (trad. Jolly Roger`s version) 

Ch.1 You pay me, you owe me! 

Pay me my money now! 

You have to pay me or go to jail! 


Ch2 You owe me, you owe me! 


You have to pay me, mister stevedore! 


If I’d known the boss was blind, 


I wouldn’t have gone to work ‘till half past nine! 


Ch1, 2 

Thought I heard, the old man say, 


Go to shore, spend all your pay! 


Ch1, 2 

Thought I heard, the men below, 


If you don’t pay me, the ship won’t go! 


Ch1, 2 Abso-floggin’-lute-ly! 

Little Boy Billee (trad) 

There were three men of Bristol City, 

There were three men of Bristol City, 

They stole a ship and went to sea, 

They stole a ship and went to sea. 

There was Gorging Jack and Guzzling Jimmy, 

And also Little Boy Billee 

They stole a tin of captain's biscuits, 

And one large bottle of whiskey. 

But when they reached the broad Atlantic, 

They had nothing left but one split pea. 

Said Gorging Jack to Guzzling Jimmy, 

"We've naught to eat — let's eat Billee." 

"O Little Boy Billee, we're going to kill and eat yur. 

"So undo the top button of your little chemie1." 

"O may I say my catechism, 

"That my dear mother taught to me?" 

But when he reached the Eleventh Commandment, 

He cried "Yo Ho for land I see!" 

"I see Jerusalem and Madagascar, 

"And North and South Amerikee" 

"I see the British fleet at anchor, 

"And our Lord Nelson, K.C.B2." 

They hung Gorging Jack and Guzzling Jimmy, 

But they made an admiral of Little Boy Billee. 

Rio Grand (trad) 

Oh, say, wuz ye ever down Rio Grande? 

(altogether) 'Way for Rio! 

It's there that the river flows down golden sands! 

Chorus 

An' we're bound for the Rio Grande, 

Then away, bullies, away! Away for Rio! 

Sing fare-ye-well, me Liverpool gels, 

An' we're bound for the Rio Grande! 

So heave up the anchor, let's get it aweigh, 

It's got a good grip, so heave, bullies, 'way-ay! 

Oh, where are yiz bound to, my bully boys all? 

An' where are yiz bound for to make yer landfall? 

We're bound to the south'ard, me bully boys all, 

Bound out to the Brazils, me bully boys all. 

An' what'll ye do there, me bully boys all? 

What job will ye do there, me bully boys all? 

We'll dig for red gold, oh, me bully boys all, 

We'll dig for a fortune, me bully boys all. 

Or die o' the fever, me bully boys all, 

Or die o' the fever, me bully boys all. 

Heave with a will boys, oh, heave long an' strong, 

Sing a good chorus, for 'tis a good son 

Coast of High Barbaree (trad) 

Look ahead, look a stern, 

Look the weather in the lee, 

Blow high! Blow low! And so sailed we. 

I see a wreck to the windward 

And a lofty ship to lee, 

A sailing down all on 

The coasts of High Barbary 

O are you a pirate 

Or a man-o-war? cried we. 


O no! I'm not a pirate 

But a man-o-war, cried he. 



We'll back up our topsails 

And heave our vessel to; 


For we have got some letters 

To be carried home by you. 



For broadside, for broadside 

They fought all on the main; 


Until at last the frigate 

Shot the pirate's mast away. 



For quarters! For quarters! 

The saucy pirates cried, 


The quarters that we showed them 

Was to sink them in the tide. 



With cutlass and gun, 

O we fought for hours three; 


The ship it was their coffin 

And their grave it was the sea. 


80

Shepherd`s Song (trad.) 

1. We shepherds are the best of men that ere trod English ground 

When we come to an ale house we value not a crown 

We spends our money freely-we pays before we go 

There`s no ale on the wold where the stormy winds do blow 

We spends our money freely-we pays before we go 

There`s no ale on the wold where the stormy winds do blow 

2. A man that is a shepherd does need a valiant heart 

He must not be feint-hearted but boldly play his part 

He must not be feint-hearted be it rain or frost or snow 

With no ale on the wolds where the stormy winds do blow 

He must not be feint-hearted be it rain or frost or snow 

With no ale on the wolds where the stormy winds do blow 

1. When I kept sheep on Blockly hill it made my heart to beat 

To see the ewes hang out their tongues and hear the lambs to bleat 

Then I plucked up me courage and oèr the hills did go 

And penned them in, in the fold, where the stormy winds did blow 

Then I plucked up me courage and oèr the hills did go 

And penned them in, in the fold, where the stormy winds did blow 

She’ll Be Coming Round the Mountain (trad.) 

She’ll be coming round the mountain when she 

comes x2 

She’ll be coming round the mountain 

Coming round the mountain 

Coming round the mountain when she comes. 

Singing I will if you will so will I x2 

Singing I will if you will, I will if you will, I will if 

you will so will I. 

(Or Aye aye, yippiyippi aye…) 

Oh she has a lovely naval uniform … 

Oh she has a lovely navel uniform ... 

Oh she has a lovely navel 

Has a lovely navel 

Has a lovely navel uniform 

She's got a lovely bottom set of teeth ..... 

She's got a lovely tittilating smile …. 

She's got a lovely bust of George the Fifth…. 

She`s got a lovely pair of big blue eyes 

Oh she has a lovely country house in Spain. 

4. As soon as I had folded them I turned my back in haste 

Unto a jovial company good liquor for to taste 

For drink and jovial company they are my heart`s delight 

Whilst my sheep lie asleep in the fore-part of the night. 

For drink and jovial company they are my heart`s delight 

Whilst my sheep lie asleep in the fore-part of the night. 

(same tune) 

On Ye Cannae Shove Yer Grannie aff a Bus 

Oh ye cannae shove yer grannie aff a bus, x 2 

Ye cannae shove yer grannie 

For she's yer mammie's mammie, 

Ye cannae shove yer grannie aff the bus. 

Ye can shove yer ither Granny aff a bus. x2 

Ye can shove yer ither Granny 

’Cos she's yer Faither's Mammy 

Ye can shove yer ither Granny aff a bus. 

Ye can shove yer Uncle Wullie aff a bus. X2 

Uncle Wullie's like yer Faither 

A harum-scarum blether, 

Ye can shove yer Uncle Wullie aff a bus. 

Ye can shove yer Auntie Maggie aff a bus. x2 

Auntie Meg's yer Faither's sister, 

She's naethin' but a twister, 

Ye can shove yer Auntie Maggie aff a bus. 

But ye canna shove yer Granny aff a bus. x2 

O ye canna shove yer Granny, 

’Cos she's yer Mammy's Mammy, 

O ye canna shove yer Granny aff a bus. 

And… 

oh ye cannae get me grannie off the drugs, 

oh ye cannea get me grannie off the drugs, 

i cought her sniffing glue 

now she's selling the big issue, 

Oh ye cannae get me grannie off the drugs. etc 

81

Short Stuff 1-Ditties & the like 

Twinkle twinkle PMS you put me under duress 

All answers I give are WRONG, all I do takes MUCH 

TOO LONG 

PMS give my wife back before I have a heart attack. 

( tune If You`re Happy) 

Do what the voices tell you 

Clap your hands (clap clap) 

Those hallucinations give you extra hands 

(clap clap clap) 

If your brain is on vacation, 

If you`re taking medication 

If you`re Tony Blair or Jesus clap your hands. 

(sung by an American, tune: This Little Piggy) 

This not especially little capitalist piggy went to market 

This poor little, socially repressed female piggy stayed at home 

This confused little English piggy had a tiny bit of roast beef 

While the coshere, vegetarian Mediterranean piggy had none 

And this unsociable, gorging, incontinent FRENCH piggy went 

Wee wee wee wee all the way home. 

I had a cat named Whiskey He was a pretty kitty 

He did ablutions everywhere, 

which made the house... quite sh...not pretty 

Then he got run over 

By heck that must have tickled 

I could not bear to have him stuffed, 

And so I had him pickled 

Musha ring dumma do damma da 

Whack fall ma daddy oh, whack fall ma daddy oh... 

There's Whiskey in the jar! 

What are they doing to keep us afloat 

Before we drown in debt? 

What they doing as bosses mess up 

Yet massive bonuses get? 

What are they doing to rescue our fate 

And financial ruin we`re set? 

The answer my friend is pissing in the wind 

The answer is pissing in the wind. 

Her eyes they shone like diamonds, 

She walked like the queen of the land, 

And her knickers they hung round her ankles, 

She'd snapped her elastic band. 

There is a green hill far away, 

without a city wall, 

where the dear lord was crucified, 

he died to save us all.... 

....................... 1, 2, 3, 

FOR he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good... 

I'll get me coat then 

Poor little kitty she`d only one titty 

But it was twice the size, 

It was gigantic it drove the men frantic 

As it leapt from side to side. 

No bra in existence would the resistance 

To keep it`s contents still. 

And so you see it was quite free 

To bounce around at will. 

White Horse Slopes (tune: Red Flag) 

On White Horse slopes so firm and steep 

A lovely maid lay down to sleep 

And as she lay in sweet repose 

A gust of wind blew up her clothes 

A morris man came dancing by 

Turned to look with eagle eye 

But as he gazed to his despair 

He saw Dave Spray’s flag flying there. 

How about that old one: "I'll sing of Gordon Brown, 

And all the good he's done." (silence) 

“Where have you been all the day Henry my son?” 

Out 

" Should Old acquaintance be forgot?” 

Yes. 

" Tom Pearce, Tom Pearce lend I your grey mare.” 

No, you didnt bring back my lawnmower. 

(Wild Mountain Thyme) 

Oh, I walked my Collie dog, 

Over hills and dales and bowers, 

But she would'na squat nor piddle 

Tho' we walked for hours and hours. 

Will ye go, Lassie, go... 

(Misty) 

Look at me, I'm as helpless as a kitten up a tree, 

Like a whistle that's lost it's pea. 

Like a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest, 

that's me. 

(Lets Dance) 

Hey, baby, won't you take a chance, 

I left my rubbers in my other pants, 

But, let's dance, etc. 

(If I were a Carpenter) 

If I were the Holy Ghost 

And you were a lady, 

You could marry your carpenter, 

But it would be my baby? 

(O Boy) 

All my life, I've been akissing 

Your left tit cos your right one's missing.... 

I've got crabs, 

You've got scabies, 

The cat's got fleas and the dog's got rabies, Oh boy. 

Beastiality’s Best (tune: Tie Me Kangaroo Down) 

Ch. Beastiality’s best boys, beastiality’s best x2 

Have a frig with a pig…… 

Get in deep with a sheep…. 

Shoot your load in a toad…. 

Up the rear of a deer… 

Intercourse with a horse… 

Shoot your sperm in a worm…. 

Lick the twat of a cat…. 

Up the hole of a mole…. 

82

Short Stuff 2 

The Cuckoo is a Funny Bird (tune: The Cuckoo) 

The cuckoo is a funny bird, 

Who sits in the grass, 

With his wings neatly folded, 

And his beak up his ass. 

In this strange position, 

He can only say, "Twit!" 

'Cause it's hard to say, "Cuckoo," 

With a beak full of ****. 

This rhyme fits many tunes: (thanks Joe Mairns) 

Whilst strollin` down a leafy lane 

besides the mossy banks 

I trod upon a man`s behind 

A lady`s voice cried, "Thanks." 

(tune: Three Blind Mice) 

Three rodents with serious visual impairments 



Observe how they perambulate 

Observe how they perambulate 

They all pursued the agriculturists significant other 

Who amputated their caudal appengages with a 

carving utensil 

Have you previously witnessed an occurrence in 

your existence? 

As three rodents with serious visual impairmernts. 

We Three Kings 

…of Orient are, tried to light a Russian cigar 

It was loaded, it exploded 

Na na na na na na. 

We two kings of Orient are, 

tried to light a Russian cigar 


Na na na na na na. 

I one king of Orient are, tried to light a Russian cigar 


God rest ye merry gentlemen 

Silent Night 

Daisy, Daisy, here is your answer true 

I`m half crazy, just to make love to you 

You make me hot and sexy 

So let me call a taxi 

My kinda fun just can`t be done 

on a bicycle built for two 

(tune: John Brown`s Body) 

John Brown`s todger was a bloody awful sight 

Mucked about with gonorrhoea & ******** up 

with_____ 

The agonies of syphilis kept him awake at night 

But he still went rogering along! 

The Other Christmas Song (Joe Hickerson) 

Christians roasting on a open fire 

Lions nibbling at their toes 

Pagan carols being sung by a choir 

While Romans raffle off their clothes. 

Everybody know when Nero plays his violin 

All of Rome will be aglow 

One dead Jew, and an Arab or two 

Hare Krishna to you. 

Hark the Herald Angels Sing 

Beechams Pills are just the thing 

One at night and two in the morning 

They all work without any warning 

If you want to go to heaven 

You must take a dose of seven 

If you want to go to Hell 

Take the bloody box as well! 

Limerick: 

A pirate, history relates 

Was scuffling with some of his mates 

When he slipped on a cutlass 

Which rendered him nutlass 

And practically useless on dates. 

That was a terrible song 

Sing us another one 

Just like the other one 

Sing us another one do. 

Another Limerick: 

There once was a man of Bonaire 

Making love to his wife on the stair 

When the banister broke 

He doubled his stroke 

And finished her off in midair. 

Beer Prayer: 

Our bitter 

Which art in barrels 

Hallowed be thy drink 

Thy will be be drunk 

At home as in the tavern 

Give us this day our foamy head 

And forgive us our spillages 

As we forgive those that spill against us 

And lead us not into incarceration 

For thine is the glory 

The draught and the bottled 

Forever and ever 

Barman 

83

Sick Note / Murphy and the Bricks (Pat Cooksey based on a 1920`s music hall recitation) 

1. Dear Sir I write this letter to tell you of me plight for at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight 

My body is all black and blue my face a deathly pale I write this note to say why Paddy’s not at work today. 

2. While working on the 14th floor some bricks I had to clear. To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea 

The foreman wasn’t very pleased he’d been an awkward sod. He said I had to lift them down the ladder with my hod. 

3. Now clearing all these bricks by hand it was so very slow so I hoisted up the barrel and secured the rope below 

But in my haste to do the job I was too blind to see..... The barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me. 

Show Me The Way To Go Home 

Show me the way to go home, 

I’m tired and I want to go to bed 

I had a little drink about an hour ago, 

and it’s gone right to my head. 

No matter where I roam, on land or sea, or foam, 

You will always hear me singing this song: Show me the 

way to go home 

Indicate the Route To My abode 

I`m fatigued+ desire to retire I imbibed a small libation 60 

minutes ago and it`s proceeded to my cranium. No 

matter where I perambulate 

On land or sea or effervescent vapour. You`ll perpetually 

perceive me intoning this libretto: Indicate the route to 

my abode. 

Way Me the Show To Go Home, 

I`m bed and I want to go to tired 

I had a little hour about a drink ago 

and it`s head right to my gone 

I`ve roamed no matter where, 

over foam or sea or land 

You will always find me song ing this sing: 

Way me the show to go home 

4. And so when I untied the rope the barrel fell like lead 

And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead 

I shot off like a rocket till to my dismay I found 

Half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down. 

5. The barrel broke my shoulder as to the ground it sped 

And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head 

I held on tightly numb with shock from this almighty blow 

And the barrel spilled out half the bricks fourteen floors below. 

6. When these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor 

I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more 

Still clinging tightly to the rope my body wracked with pain 

And half way down I met the bloody barrel once again. 

7. The force of this collision half way up the office block 

Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty case of shock 

Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground 

And landed on the broken bricks and scattered all around. 

8. I lay there moaning on the ground I thought I’d passed the worst 

Till the barrel hit the pulley beam and then the bottom burst 

A shower of bricks came down on me I hadn’t got a hope 

As I lay there moaning on the ground I let go the bloody rope 

9. The barrel now being heavier it started down once more 

And landed right across me as I lay there on the floor 

It broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say 

I hope you’ll understand why Paddy’s not at work today. 

Side by Side (Harry Woods) 

Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money, 

Maybe we're ragged and funny, 

But we'll travel along, singin' a song, 

Side by side. 

Don't know what's comin' tomorrow; 

Maybe it's trouble and sorrow, 

But we'll travel our road sharin' our load 

Side by side. 

Through all kinds of weather, 

What if the sky should fall? 

As long as we're together, 

It really doesn't matter at all. 

When they've all had their troubles and parted, 

We'll be the same as we started, 

Just trav'lin' along, singin' a song, 

Side by side. 

So 

84

Sing Us Another One (see two on p.84) 

There once was a fellow in Perth 

Who was born on the day of his birth. 

He was married, they say, 

On his wife's wedding day, 

And he died when he quitted this earth. 

I, Caesar, when I learned of the fame 

Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim. 

Ahead of my legions, 

I invaded her regions, 

I saw, I conquered, I came. 

There was a daft gardener in Leeds 

Who swallowed a packet of seeds. 

In a month the poor ass 

Was all covered in grass 

And he couldn't sit down for the weeds 

A certain young man of the Tyne 

Put his head on the south-eastern line; 

But he died of ennui (boredom) 

For the 5.23 

Didn't come 'til a quarter past nine! . 

There was a brave girl from Connecticut 

Who flagged the express with her peticut 

Which her elders defined 

As presence of mind 

But deplorable absence of etiquette. 

There was an old scholar at Kings 

Whose mind dwelt on heavenly things 

His only desire Was a boy in the choir 

With an arse like a jelly on springs 

There was a young pupil named Kevin, 

Who went to a school in south Devon. 

He wasn't too bright 

So they called him "Midnight," 

And his brother was "Half-Past-Eleven." 

A young lady reporter from Youghal 

Wore a newspaper dress at a ball 

But the dress caught on fire 

And burned her entire 

Front page, sporting section and all. 

A pretty young lass from Moyass 

Had a truly magificent ass 

Not roundy and pink 

As you possibly think 

It was brown, had long ears and ate grass 

There was an old bugger called God, 

who got a young virgin in pod. 

This disgraceful behaviour 

begot Christ our Saviour, 

who was nailed to a cross, poor old sod 

On the breast of a barmaid in Sale 

Is tattoo'd the price of brown ale 

And on her behind, 

For the sake of the blind, 

Is the same information, in braille! 

From the crypt of the Church of St. Giles, 

Came a cry that resounded for miles; 

Said the Vicar "Good Gracious! 

Has Father Ignatius forgotten the Bishop has piles? 

There was a young curate of Kew 

Who kept a tom-cat in a pew 

He tried to teach it to speak 

Alphabetical Greek but it never got further than mew. 

85 

King Richard, in one of his rages, 

Forsook his good lady for ages, 

He rested in bed, 

With a good book instead, or, preferably, one of his pages. 

There was a young lady named Gloria 

Who was had by Sir Gerald DuMaurier 

And another ten men 

And Sir Gerald again & the band from the Waldorf Astoria. 

Boadicea often would goad 

some soldier she met on the road, 

Then paint with isatis their sex apparatus & embrace, crying, 

"One for the woad!" 

Said Nelson at his most la-di-da-di 

"I'm sorry if I'm rather tardy, 

But I'm in a dilemma, Should I bugger Emma, 

Or screw the delectable Hardy?" 

Said Wellington, "What's the location 

Of this battle I've won for the nation?" 

They replied, "Waterloo." 

He said, "That'll do, 

What a wonderful name for a station!" 

There was a young fellar from Kent 

Whose todger was horribly bent 

To save himself trouble he put it in double 

And instead of coming he went. 

There once was a lass from Devizes 

Whose breasts were of different sizes 

One was so small you could not see at all 

And the other so big it won prizes. 

There was a young man from Baia 

Who liked sticking flutes up his rear 

After eating escargot he could fart Handel`s `Largo` 

His encore was Àve Maria`. 

I Got Married Last Friday (tune: Side By Side) 

I got married last Friday 

Had me wife there beside me 

The guests had gone home 

We were alone side by side. 

We went straight into bed then 

I nearly fell over dead when 

Her teeth and her hair 

She placed on a chair side by side. 

Her little glass eye to follow 

Her wooden leg so small 

Along with other attachments 

She placed on the chair by the wall. 

I was so broken hearted 

From most of me wife I was parted 

So I slept on the chair 

There was more of her there side by side.

Sixteen Tons (Tennessee Ernie Ford) 

Some people say a man is made out of mud 

A poor man’s made out of muscle and blood 

Muscle and blood, skin and bones 

Mind that’s weak and a back that’s strong 

You load sixteen tons, what do you get? 

Another day older and deeper in debt. 

Saint Peter don’t you call me cos I can’t go 

I owe my soul to the company store. 

I was born one morning when the sun didn’t shine 

I picked up my shovel and I walked to the mine 

I load sixteen tons of number nine coal 

And the straw boss said “God bless my soul”. 

Skye Boat Song (Sir Harold Boulton) 

Speed Bonny Boat like a bird on the wing 

Onward the sailors cry. 

Carry the lad that is born to be King 

Over the sea to Skye. 

Loud the winds howl, loud the waves roar, 

Thunderclaps rend the air, 

Baffled our foes stand on the shore 

Follow they will not dare. 

Though the waves, soft shall ye sleep 

Ocean’s a royal bed; 

Rocked in the deep, Flora will keep 

Watch by your weary head. 

Many’s the lad fought on the day 

Well the claymore could wield, 

When the night came, silently lay 

Dead on Culloden’s field. 

Burned are our homes, exile and death 

Scatter the loyal men 

Yet, e’er the sword cool in the sheath, 

Charlie will come again. 

Sloop John B (Relient K lyrics) 

We come on the sloop John B, 

My grandfather and me, 

Round Nassau town we did roam, 

Drinking all night, 

Got into a fight, 

I feel so broke up, I wanna go home. 

So hoist up the John B’s sails, 

See how the main-sail sets, 

Send for the captain ashore, let me go home 

I wanna go home, 

Let me go home, 


The first mate, he got drunk, 

Broke up the people’s trunk, 

Constable had to come and take him away. 

Sheriff John Stone, 

Please let me alone, 


Poor cook he got the fits, 

Throw ‘way all the grits, 

Then he took up and ate all o’ my corn. 

Let me go home, 

I wanna go home, 


(look up Les Barker`s Sloop John A) 

The Sloth (Flanders & Swann) 

A Bradypus, or Sloth, am I, 

I live a life of ease 

Contented not to do or die, 

But idle as I please 

I have three toes on either foot, Or half a doz. on both 

With leaves and fruits, and shoots to eat, 

How sweet to be a Sloth 

The world is such a cheerful place 

When viewed from upside-down; 

It makes a rise of every fall, 

A smile of every frown; 

I watch the fleeting flutter by 

Of butterfly or moth 

And think of all the things I'd try 

If I were not a Sloth. 

I could climb the very highest Himalayas, 

Be among the greatest ever tennis players, 

Win at chess or marry a Princess or 

Study hard and be an eminent professor. 

I could be a millionaire, play the clarinet, 

Travel everywhere, 

Learn to cook, catch a crook, 

Win a war then write a book about it. 

I could paint a Mona Lisa, 

I could be another Caesar. 

Compose an oratorio that was sublime. 

The door's not shut on my genius but 

I just don't have the time!a 

For days and days among the trees 

I sleep and dream and doze 

Just gently swaying in the breeze 

Suspended by my toes 

While eager beavers overhead 

Rush through the undergrowth 

I watch the clouds beneath my feet; 

How sweet to be a Sloth. 

Song of the F.U. (Syd Kipper) 

Come all you bold young farmers, this message ne’er forget: 

Though you are strong, united we will be stronger yet. 

If we stand firm together we soon will have our way: 

Longer hours for lower wages, with shorter holidays. 

Join the Farmers’ Union, join the favoured few; 

Let our cry go yonder: “ We are the great F.U.” 

The workers are ungrateful for all that we provide – 

If we give them bread they ask for jam on it besides; 

If we give them water, why then they call for ale, 

And if we give them four good walls they want a roof as well. 

God made us low and highly, God made us poor and rich; 

The farmer in his farmhouse, the poor man in his ditch. 

For we are all his children, the greatest and the least; 

The working man is equal to any other beast. 

The labourer needs labour, for idle hands will stray; 

The master needs his mistresses, lest he be all work, no play. 

The peasants are revolting, but this word to them we send: 

Drop your combinations and reveal your wicked ends! 

86

SONGS OF THE 1950`S 

A Little Bitty Tear 

A little bitty tear let me down 

Spoiled my act as a clown 

I had it made up not to make a frown 

But a little bitty tear let me down 

When you said you were leaving tomorrow 

That today was our last day 

I said there'd be no tomorrow 

That I`d laugh when you walked away. 

Bye bye Love 

Bye bye, love, Bye bye, happiness 

Hello, loneliness, I think I'm-a gonna cry 

Bye bye, love, Bye bye, sweet caress 

Hello, emptiness, I feel like I could die 

Bye bye, my love, goodbye 

There goes my baby with-a someone new 

She sure looks happy, I sure am blue 

She was my baby, Til he stepped by 

Goodbye to romance, That might have been 

I'm-a through with romance, I'm a-through with love 

I'm through with, A counting the stars above 

And here's the reason, That I'm so free 

My loving baby, Is through with me 

Let`s Twist Again 

Let`s Twist Again like we did last summer 

Let`s Twist Again like we did last year 

Do you remember when things were really 

humming? 

Yeah let`s twist again, twisting time is here. 

Round and round and up and down we go again 

Oh baby make me know you love me and then.... 

Teenager In Love 

Each time we have a quarrel it almost breaks my 

heart 

Cause I am so afraid that we will have to part. 

Each night I ask the stars up above 

Why must I be a teenager in love? 

One day I feel so happy Next day I feel so sad 

I guess I`ll learn to take the good with the bad 

Each time I ask the stars up above 


I cried a tear for nobody but you 

I`ll be the lonely one if you should say we`re 

through. 

If you wanna make me cry That won`t be hard to do 

And if you say good bye I`ll still go on loving you. 

Each time I ask the stars up above 


Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini 

She was afraid to come out of the locker 

She was as nervous as she could be 

She was afraid to come out of the locker 

She was afraid that somebody would see 

Two, three, four, Tell the people what she wore 

It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 

Yellow polka dot bikini 

That she wore for the first time today 

An itsy bitsy teenie weenie 

Yellow polka dot bikini 

So in the locker she wanted to stay 

Seven Little Girls Sitting In the Back Seat 

Dee doodee doom doom..... 

Seven little girls, Sitting in the backseat 

Hugging and a kissing with Fred 

I said, why don't one of you Come and sit beside 

me 

And this is what the seven girls said 

All together now, one, two, three 

Keep your mind on your driving 

Keep your hands on the wheel 

Keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead 

We're having fun, sitting in the backseat 

Kissing and a hugging with Fred ......Dee doodee 

All I Have To Do Is Dream 

Dream dream, dream dream dream 

Dream dream, dream dream dream. 

When I want you in my arms 

And I want you and all your charms 

Whenever I want you all I have to do is 

When I feel blue in the night 

And I need you to hold me tight 

Whenever I want you all I have do is 

I can make you mime taste your lips of wine 

Anytime night or day. Only trouble is Gee Whiz 

I`m dreaming my life away. 

Rock Around the Clock 

One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, rock, 

Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock, rock, 

Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, rock, 

We're gonna rock around the clock tonight. 

Put your glad rags on and join me, hon, 

We'll have some fun when the clock strikes one, 

We're gonna rock around the clock tonight, 

We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight. 

We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock 

tonight. 

When the clock strikes two, three and four, 

If the band slows down we'll yell for more, 

87

Spaniard That Blighted My Life (Bill Merson 1911) 

List to me while I tell you of the Spaniard that blighted my life. 

List to me while I tell you of the man who stole my future wife 

Twas at the bull fight that we met him, we were watching his daring display 

But when I nipped out for some nuts and a programme the dirty dog stole her away. 

Oh yes! Oh yes! But I’ve sworn that I’ll take my revenge. 

If I catch Alfonso Spagonni the Torreador with one mighty swipe 

I will dislocate his bally jaw. 

I’ll fight the bull fighter I will 

And when I catch the bounder, the blighter I’ll kill. 

He shall die, he shall die, he shall die tiddly I ti ti ti ti ti ti ti ti ti . 

He shall die, he shall die. 

For I’ll raise a bunion on his Spanish onion if I catch him bending tonight. 

Yes when I catch Alfonso Spagonni he’ll wish that he’d never been born. 

And for this special reason my stiletto I’ve fetched out of pawn. 

It cost me five shillings to fetch, this expense it has caused me much pain. 

But the pawnbroker promised when I’ve killed Spagonni he’ll take it in pawn once again! 

Song of the Western Men (trad.) 

A good sword and a trusty hand! 

A merry heart and true! 

King James's men shall understand 

What Cornish lads can do. 

And have they fixed the where and when? 

And shall Trelawny die? 

Here's twenty thousand Cornish men 

Will know the reason why! 

A good sword and a trusty hand! 

A merry heart and true! 

King James's men shall understand 

What Cornish men can do! 

Out spake their captain brave and bold. 

A merry wight was he 

If London Tow'r were Michael's hold, 

We’ll set Trelawny free! 

We'll cross the Tamar, land to land, 

The Severn is not stay — 

With one and all, and hand to hand. 

And who shall bid us nay? 

And when we come to London Wall, 

A pleasant site to view, 

Come forth! Come forth, ye cowards all, 

Here’s men as good as you. 

Trelawney he's in keep and hold, 

Trelawny he may die. 

But here's twenty thousand Cornish bold 

Will know the reason why! 

Spanish Lady (trad.) 

As I came down through Dublin City 

At the hour of twelve at night, 

Who should I see but a Spanish lady 

Washing her feet by candle light. 

First she washed them, then she dried them 

O’er a fire of amber coal, 

In all my life I ne’er did see 

A maid so sweet about the sole. 

Whack for the toora loora laddy, 

Whack for the toora loora lay. 

Whack for the toora loora laddy, 

Whack for the toora loora lay. 

As I came back through Dublin city 

At the hour of half past eight, 

Who should I spy but the Spanish lady 

Brushing her hair in broad daylight. 

First she tossed it, then she brushed it, 

On her lap was a silver comb, 


A maid so fair since I did roam. 

As I went back through Dublin city 

As the sun began to set, 

Who should I spy but the Spanish lady 

Catching a moth in a golden net. 

When she saw me then she fled me, 

Lifting her petticoat o’er her knee, 


A maid so shy as the Spanish lady. 

I’ve wandered north and I’ve wandered south, 

Through Stonybatter and Patrick’s Close, 

Up and around the Glouster diamond 

And back by Napper Tandy’s house. 

Old age has her hand laid on me, 

Cold as a fire of ashy coals, 

But in all my life I ne’er did see, 

A maid so sweet as the Spanish lady. 

88

Staines Morris / Maypole (trad.) 

Come, ye young men, come along, 

With your music, dance, and song, 

Bring your lasses in your hands, 

For tis that which love commands. 

Then to the Maypole come away, 

For it is now a holiday. 

It is the choice time of the year, 

For the violets now appear; 

Now the rose receives its birth, 

And pretty primrose decks the earth. 



Here each batchelor may choose 

One that will not faith abuse; 

Nor repay with coy disdain 

Love that should be loved again. 



And when you well reckoned have 

What kisses you your sweethearts gave, 

Take them all again, and more, 

It will never make them poor. 



When you thus have spent the time 

Till the day be past its prime, 

To your beds repair at night, 

And dream there of your day's delight. 



Sportsmen Arouse (trad) 

Sportsmen arouse; the morning is clear. 

The larks are singing all in the air. 

Sportsmen arouse..... 

Go tell your sweet lover the hounds are out. 

Go tell…...... 

Saddle your horses, your saddles prepare. 

We'll away to some cover to seek for a hare. 

We searched the woods, the groves all round. 

The trial being over the game it is found. 

We searched.... 

Then off she springs through break she flies. 

Then off… 

Follow, follow the musical horn. 

Sing follow, hark, forward the innocent hare. 

Our huntsman blows his joyful sound. 

Tally ho, my boys, all over the down. 

Our Huntsman… 

From the woods and valleys see how she creeps. 

From the… 



All along the green turf she pants for breath. 

Our huntsmen, he shouts out for death. 

All along… 

Relope, relope retiring hare. 

Relope… 



This hare has led us a noble run. 

Success to sportsmen every one. 

This hare… 

Such a chase she has led us four hours or more. 

Such a Chase… 

Wine and beer we'll drink without fear. 

We'll drink to success of the innocent hare. 

Star of the County Down (trad.) 

Near to Banbridge town in the County Down 

On a morning in July, 

Down a boreen green came a sweet colleen 

And she smiled as she passed me by, 

Oh! she looked so neat, from her two white feet 

To the sheen of her nut-brown hair, 

Such a coaxin' elf, I'd to shake myself, 

To make sure I was really there. 

Oh! from Bantry Bay up to Derry Quay 

And from Galway to Dublin town, 

No maid I've seen like the brown colleen 

That I met in the County Down. 

As she onward sped I scratch'd my head 

And I gazed with a feelin' quare, 

There I said, says I, to a passer by 

'Who's the maid with the nut-brown hair?' 

Oh! he smiled at me, and with pride says he, 

'That's the gem of Ireland's crown, 

Young Rosie McCann, from the banks of the Bann, 

She's the star of the County Down.' 

At the Harvest Fair she'll be surely there, 

So I'll dress in my Sunday clothes, 

And I'll try sheep's eyes and deludtherin lies, 

On the heart of the nut-brown Rose, 

No pipe I'll smoke, no horse I'll yoke, 

Tho' my plough with rust turn brown. 

Till a smiling bride by my own fireside, 

Sits the star of the County Down. 

(And W.J. Bethancourt from The Bane of the County Down 

See full parody p.6) 

Near Banbridge town in the County Down 

One morning last July 

Down a boreen green came a keen Colleen 

And she smiled as she passed me by. 

The flowers died and the babies cried 

And the green grass all turned brown 

The dogs all howled and the cats all yowled 

At this thing from the County Down 

From Bantry Bay up to Derry Quay. 

And from Galway to Dublin Town 

No maid I`ve met could scare me yet 

As The Bane of the County Down 

Sunshine Mountain 

(Everyone seated except singer who climbs on chair) 

I`m climbing up a Sunshine Mountain 

Where the little breezes blow (squeal) 

I`m climbing up a Sunshine Mountain 

Face is all aglow 

I`m turning my back on sorrow (turning around) 

reaching for the sky 

I`m climbing up a Sunshine Mountain (pointing) 

You and I, You and I (they climb on chair too) 

89

Sweet Lass of Richmond Hill 

(tune: James Hook, lyrics Leonard McNally in honour of one 

Miss Janson his future e missus-1790) 

On Richmond Hill there lives a lass 

More bright than May-day morn 

Whose charms all other maids' surpass 

A rose without a thorn. 

This lass so neat, with smiles so sweet 

Has won my right good will 

I'd crowns resign to call thee mine 

Sweet lass of Richmond Hill. 

Sweet lass of Richmond Hill 

Sweet lass of Richmond Hill 



Ye zephyrs gay that fan the air 

And wanton thro' the grove 

O whisper to my charming fair 

"I die for her I love." 

Tis lass so neat, with smiles so sweet 

Has won my right good will 



Sweet Nightingale (trad.) 

My sweetheart come along, don't you here the fond song, 

The sweet notes of the nightingale flow 

Don't you hear the fond tale of the sweet nightingale 

As she sings in the valley below 

As she sings in the valley below 

Pretty Betsy don't fail for I'll carry your pail 

Safe home to your cot as we go. 

We shall hear the fond tale of the sweet nightingale 

Pray leave me alone - I've hands of my own 

And along with you, sir, I'll not go 

To hear the fond tale of the sweet nightingale 

Come sit yourself down, with me on the ground 

On this bank where the primroses grow. 

We shall hear the fond tale of the sweet nightingale 

The couple agreed to be married with speed 

And straight to the church they did go. 

No more is she afraid for to sit in the shade 

Or to lie in the valley below 

Or to lie in the valley below. 

Swing Low Sweet Chariot (trad.) 

Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home 

x2 

I looked over Jordan and what did I see 

Coming for to carry me home 

A band of angels coming after me 


If you get there before I do 


Tell all my brothers I'm a coming there too 


I’m sometimes up and sometimes down 

Coming… 

But still my soul is heavenly bound 

Coming… 

Sweet Thyme (Mundy/Connolly) 

In the Springtime of the year 

I loved and lost my dear 

For love grows wild 

When the weather it is mild 

As you shall quickly hear. 

Sweet Thyme, sweet Thyme 

The Parsley and the Thyme 

The Rosemary and the Willow tree 

Around my heart entwine. 

Now comes in sweet July 

When the Nightingales do fly 

And sweet hearts play all in the hay 

When the pale moon fills the sky. 

Now the harvest’s golden grain 

Is gathered in again 

And the turning year will bring my dear 

An end to all my pain. 

In Winter’s cloak of grey 

I’ll find a bride today 

And I’ll not wait while Summer’s at the gate 

Farewell false love away. 

Supercunniflaggilingussexyphalliscrotius (Keith Donnelly 

Tune: Supercallifragellistic…etc) 

Supercunniflaggilingussexyphalliscrotius 

even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, 

if you do it wrong you might get up some Peoples’ noses. 

Supercunniflaggilingussexyphalliscrotius 

um diddle diddle 

Diddle um diddle ah 

90 

My mate was afraid of sex when he reached puberty 

The girls all used to come around and they all laughed you see 

Then he took up D.I.Y and I’m not talking Texas 

He discovered a new position that cured all his complexes. 

He went to a party with transvestites, straights and gays 

They were all confused of the positions and the ways 

Then one of them cried out, “ Help I don’t know what to do 

Who does what to whom with what and who does it to who?” 

Don’t try this on whores or sheep or other casual dates 

For you’ll surely answer and then sore will be your fate 

Use it with a careful eye ‘cos it will change your life 

I tried it with my old girl and now me girl’s my wife. 

Take a Whiff On Me 

(parody, tune: Have a Drink On Me) 

Want to get a woman let me tell you a word 

Grease your hard down as slick as lard 

Hey hey baby, take a whiff on me. 

I got a woman six feet tall, 

Sleeping in the kitchen with her feet in the hall. 

Hey hey baby, won`t you take a whiff on me. 

Take a whiff, take a whiff, take a whiff on me x2 

Everybody take a whiff on me. 


Walking down the road, the road is mighty muddy, 

Slipping and a sliding and I can`t get steady 


Walking down the road with my hat in my hand 

Looking for a woman who needs a worried man 


Two old maids fishing in a creak 

They ain`t caught a man since a-way last week. 


And I know my woman ain`t treating me right 

She don`t get home till the day gets light. 

Hey hey baby, won`t you take a whiff on me.

Original lyrics to parody on p.90 

Have a Drink On Me (Peter Buchanan / Lonnie 

Donegan) 

In eighteen-eighty down a dusty road 

Along came a miner with a big fat load 

Hey, hey, ev'rybody drink on me 

He was caked in dirt from his head to his foot 

His hair so black, that it looked like soot 


Have a drink, have a drink, have a drink on me 

Ev'rybody have a drink on me x2 


Well, he reined in his mule and hitched him to the rail 

And he said "Ol' fella it's the end of the trail" 

Hey, hey, everybody drink on me 

Well, he ambled on down to the old saloon 

He said "I know it's early and it ain't quite noon" 

But, hey, hey, ev'rybody drink on me 

Well, I just got a letter from down in Tennessee 

It said my Uncle died and left an oil well to me 


I've been diggin' all my life and I nearly got to hell 

But my Uncle dug potatoes & he struck an oil well 


The First I Knew You`d Left Me 

(lyrics: by ed/ tune: Watercress Girl) 

The first I knew you`d left me 

You teeth twern`t in the glass. 

The bed was not a sagging 

With the weight of your great rear. 

There`s nothing to remind me 

`Cept your picture hanging there 

Like the fragrance of your sweatglands 

The stench hangs in the air. 

You left me for a butcher 

With a Frenchman`s fine moustacheèr. 

You exposed that prime rump to him 

And couldn`t have been much rasher. 

But I`ve heard he told you porkies 

Didn`t wish to steak a claim. 

The love he gave you was poultry 

And all a bit of a game. 

(ed. Work in progress with this one-any of you 

who think up additional verses please send to me!) 

Take Your Time (Pete Munday) 

You first wound me clock up on our wedding day, 

You promised ‘twould always be striking, 

Though the spring’s getting weaker and feeble the 

tick, 

It’s still very much to me liking. 

Chorus: 

Take your time me lovely old lad, 

There ain’t no reason to hurry, 

For as long as you’re able to wind up me clock, 

Then I have no need for to worry. 

The Teddy Bears` Rave Up (tune: Teddy Bears Picnic) 

If you go down to the woods today 

You're sure of a big surprise 


You'll never believe your eyes. 

For every bear that ever there was 

Is gathered there for certain because 

Today's the day the teddy bears have their rave up. 

There's angel bears who come on their bikes 

All dressed in their leather gear 

There's gallons of scrumpy all green and lumpy 

And horrible Watney's beer 

Yogi downed a pint of it quick 

And was very promptly horribly sick 

And filled up both of Paddington's new blue wellies. 

Rave up time for teddy bears 

The little teddy bears are having a lovely time today 

Grooving to those heavy sounds 

That only Status Quo really know how to play. 

Cresta bear is freaking out 

"It's frothy, man", he's blowing his little brain 

Rupert bear is having a trip 

Winnie the Pooh is doing the strip 

They reckon that he's on the game. 

Now every bear that ever there was 

Is sure of a treat today 

'Cause Mummy and Daddy and baby bear 

Have found a new game to play 

Beneath the trees where nobody sees 

There's Goldilocks bent down on her knees 

You bet your life she's getting more than porridge. 


You'd better not go alone 

It's lovely down in the woods today 

But safer to stay at home 

'Cause it's a really kinky scene 

A big butch bear is playing the queen 

And they don't call him Sugar Puffs for nothing. 

Rave up time for teddy bears 

The little teddy bears are having a lovely time today 

Groping in the undergrowth 

Oh, what would Enid Blyton have to say 

See them as they prance around 

Collapsing on the ground; they haven't any cares 

At twelve o'clock the coppers are coming 

To take them all away 

'Cause they've been naughty little teddy bears. 

I mind the times when we were young, 

You worked at the hedging and dyking, 

You’d go out at dawn and work through the dusk, 

And come home for me clock to be striking. 

As time went by, our children grew up, 

Were soon taking wedding vows binding, 

And I told all me daughters the one thing I’d learned, 

Make sure your clocks often need winding. 

And now that we’re nearing the end of our time, 

And you are so tired and grey love, 

Oh, it still pleases me when you wind up me clock, 

And it will to the end of me days, love. 

91

There is a Tavern in the Town (trad.) 

There is a tavern in the town, in the town 

& there my true love sits him down, sits him down, 

And drinks his wine as merry as can be, 

And never, never thinks of me. 

Fare thee well, for I must leave thee, 

Do not let this parting grieve thee, 

And remember that the best of friends 

Must part, must part. 

Adieu, adieu kind friends, yes, adieu 

I can no longer stay with you, stay with you, 

I'll hang my harp on the weeping willow tree, 

And may the world go well with thee. 

He left me for a damsel dark, damsel dark, 

Each Friday night they used to spark, 

Used to spark, 

And now my love who once was true to me 

Takes this dark damsel on his knee. 

Oh, dig my grave both wide & deep, wide and deep; 

Put tombstones at my head and feet, head and feet 

And on my breast you may carve a turtle dove, 

To signify I died of love. 

They`re Moving Father`s Grave To Build a Sewer (trad.) 

They're moving father's grave to build a sewer 

They're moving it regardless of expense. 

They're moving his remains to lay down nine-inch drains 

To irrigate some rich bloke's residence. 

Now what's the use of having a religion? 

If when you're dead you cannot get some peace 

'Cause some society chap wants a pipeline to his tank 

And moves you from your place of rest and peace... 

Now father in his life was not a quitter 

And I'm sure that he'll not be a quitter now. 

And in his winding sheet, he will haunt that privy seat 

And only let them go when he'll allow. 

Now won't there be some bleedin' consternation, 

And won't those city toffs begin to rave! 

But it's no more than they deserve, 

'cause they had the bleedin' nerve 

To muck about a British workman's grave. 

This Land is Your Land (Scottish version of Woody 

Guthrie`s 1950`s song) 

This land is your land, this land is my land 

From the English Border to the North Sea water 

From the Western Islands to the Northern Highlands 

This land was made for you and me 

One summer's morning as the day was dawning 

I viewed the islands on the misty skyline 

The rainbow fountains of the Cuillin Mountains 


Cold winter crept on as Scotland slept on 

No factory roaring, no oil-rig boring 

Just weeded by-ways and deserted highways 

Relics of the life that used to be 

Then I awakened to a spring day breaking 

To the sons and daughters of Alba's waters 

And the flag they're flying is the rampant lion 


There is a Tavern in the Town (parody) 

There is a tavern in the town 

In the town 

Where pretty ladies sit around 

Sit around 

And sell their wares to everyone but me 

`Cause what they`re selling ain`t for free 

Ain`t for free. 

So I went and got me twenty 

Said I`m gonna get me plenty 

Of whatever they are selling in the back 

The back. 

Now with the doctor I`ve a date 

I`ve a date 

It hurts me when I urinate 

Urinate 

I guess I`ve been a rather senseless chap 

Cos what I got there was the (clap hands). 

The clap! 

I should have used protection 

Now I`ve gotten this infection 

And I don`t know what I`ll tell the wife 

The wife! 

The doctor he`ll give me a shot 

Give me a shot. 

Then she won`t find out what I`ve got 

What I`ve got. 

Next time I won`t be so ridicul-ass 

And put my money on a horse not a lass! 

Put my money on a horse not a lass 

And put my money on a horse 

NOT A LASS! 

The Threshing Machine (tune: Villikis & Dinah) 

Way down in Dorset or so I hear tell 

There once lived a maiden her name it were Nell 

Her were fair wide and handsome and sweet 17 

And ‘er liked to ride on me threshing machine. 

I 'ad 'er, I 'ad 'er, I 'ad 'er I ay, 

I 'ad 'er, I 'ad 'er, I 'ad 'er I ay, 

I 'ad 'er by night and I 'ad 'er by day, 

And I ups and I shows 'er the West Country way. 

(or Fling it ère, Fling it there etc) 

One zummer’s morning in the merry month of May 

When most of the farmers are out making hay 

I said come to the barn dear where we won’t be seen 

An’ I’ll show yee the works of me threshing 

machine. 

One zummer’s evening in the merry month of June 

When most of the farmers are looking at the moon 

I cocks up me ear and I ‘ears a girl scream 

I says Ah there goes Nell on me threshing machine. 

I opened the barn door and there stood my dream 

He worked the oil can and I worked up steam 

Twer wondrous to see both the thrust and the drive 

And when she came out twer more dead than alive. 

The flywheel and the piston were going round 

When out the steam whistle came a terrible sound 

I puts down me hand for to cut off the steam 

But the chaff had been blown from me th… m 

Nine months later this baby were born 

The pride of her mother she were to be sure 

And under her apron could plainly be seen 

A brand new two cylinder thrashing machine. 

Gals if your urge is to ride it yourself 

There’s a warning one side it could damage your 

health 

Don’t linger for hours with a smile on your face 

If you stay there too long you’re a terminal case. 

92

Thrashing Machine (Brewster Higley & Daniel Kelly) 

I was a small lad, when my kindly old Dad, 

Said he wanted to have a few words; 

Then he told me the facts, about conjugal acts, 

And he spoke of the bees and the birds. 

I rushed round to Sue, a young girl that I knew, 

For I thought I had better make sure, 

Though I meant her no harm, she just shrieked with alarm, 

Then her Dad came, and taught me some more! 

I couldn’t explain, 

When my mother said “Where have you been?” 

I just said to her, “well, 

I’d have thought you could tell, 

I fell into a thrashing machine!” 

Though I’m happily wed, there’s a lot to be said, 

For a team that plays home and away; 

And a lady I found, who would let me pop round, 

When her husband was out for the day. 

He caught me on night, and I trembled with fright, 

As he bade me prepare for my fate; 

By the time he was through, I was all black and blue, 

And they carried me home on a gate! 

To Be a Farmer`s Boy (trad.) 

The sun had set beyond the hill when across the dreary moor, 

Weary and lame, a poor boy came unto a farmer's door. 

Can you tell me if any there be that will give me employ? 

To plough and sow 

To reap and mow 

And to be a farmer's boy 

To be a farmers boy 

My father's dead, my mother's left with five children large and small. 

And what is worse, my mother says, I'm the eldest of them all. 

Though little I be, I would work hard if you would me employ 

To plough and sow, … 

And if that you no boy do want, one favour I would ask. . 

Shelter me 'til break of day from this cold night's wintry blast. 

At break of day I will haste away, elsewhere to seek employ 


The farmer's wife cried, Try the lad; let him no longer seek. 

Yes father, do!, the daughter cried, as tears ran down her cheek. 

For those who would work, 'tis hard for to want and to wander for 

employ, 


The farmer's boy grew up a man. The good old couple died, 

Leaving the lad the farm they had and their daughter for his bride. 

The lad that was, a man now is, and he oft-times thinks with joy 

And he blesses the day that he came that way to be a farmer's boy. 

93 

Three Wheels on my Wagon (Burt Bacharach / Bob 

Hilliard) 

Three wheels on my wagon, 

And I'm still rolling along 

The Cherokees are chasing me 

Arrows fly, right on by 

But I'm singing a happy song 

I'm singing a higgity, haggity, hoggety, high 

Pioneers, they never say die 

A mile up the road there's a hidden cave 

And we can watch those Cherokees 

Go galloping by 

SPOKEN: 

"George, they're catching up to us!" 

"Get back in the wagon woman!" 

Two wheels on my wagon, 


Them Cherokees are after me 

Flaming spears, burn my ears 


I'm singing a higgity, haggity hoggety, high 


Half a mile up the road there's a hidden cave 



SPOKEN: 

"Duh, Paw? Are you sure this is the right road?" 

"Will you hush up? You and your maps!" 

One wheel on my wagon, 


Them Cherokees after me 

I'm all in flames, at the reins 


I'm singing a higgity, haggity hoggety, high 


Right around that turn there's a hidden cave 



SPOKEN: 

George?Should I get the bag of beads & trinkets? 

"Woman, I know what I'm doing!" 

No wheels on my wagon, 

So I'm not rolling along 

The Cherokees captured me 

They look mad, things look bad 


SPOKEN: 

"C'mon all you Cherokees sing along with me!"

To Be a Pharmacist (Kipper Family, parody of To Be a Farmer`s Boy)) 

The sun had set behind the hill across the dreary moor, 

When sickly and lame a boy there came up to a doctor's door. 

Can you tell me where e'er there be one who can me assist 

To cure my ills, prescribe me pills, and be a pharmacist, 

And be a pharmacist ? 

My fathers dead, my mother too, and I'm not too well myself, 

So I'd be glad if you could spare some medicine from your shelf. 

If I can stop inside your shop out of the fog and mist, 

I'll work all day to earn my pay and be a pharmacist, 

And be a pharmacist. 

The doctors wife said, Cure the lad, he seems so pale and sick. 

Yes father do, cried his daughter dear, These pills should do the trick. 

Don't make him go out in the snow, I really must insist, 

But let him stay and earn his pay and be a pharmacist 

And be a pharmacist. 

The man that was a boy is now assistant in the shop, 

But at pharmacist's assistant he was not prepared to stop. 

And often he'd look at the poisons book, & find there in the list, 

That there's many a potion to aid his notion to be a pharmacist, 

To be a pharmacist. 

So that was not surprising when the poor old couple died, 

Which left the boy the business and the daughter for a bride. 

A knowing gleam in his eye was seen as bride & bridegroom kissed, 

Blast me, he say, now that's the way to be a pharmacist, 

To be a pharmacist. 

Today`s Monday (Scaffold) 

Today's Monday, today's Monday, Monday is washing day. 

Is everybody happy? You bet your life we are! 

Today's Tuesday, today's Tuesday, Tuesday is soup, 

Monday is washing day 


Today's Wednesday, today's Wednesday, Wednesday is roaster beef, 

Tuesday is soup, Monday is washing day 


Today's Thursday, today's Thursday, Thursday is shephard's pie, 

Wednesday is roaster beef , Tuesday is soup 

Monday is washing day 


Today's Friday, today's Friday, Friday is fish, 

Thursday is shephard's pie, Wednesday is roaster beef(etc.) 


Today's Saturday, today's Saturday, Saturday's payday, Friday is 

fish(etc.) 

(very gently)Today's Sunday, today's Sunday, Sunday is church... 

(fast)Saturday is payday(etc.) 

(slow)Is everybody happy? You bet you life we are! 

The Toilet Door Said Gentlemen (Bob Rivers, 

Sung to the Tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen") 

The toilet door said gentlemen 

So I just walked inside 

I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride 

I heard high voices 

And I saw the place was occupied 

By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse 

What could be worse 

Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse 


It must have been a gag 

As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag 

She sprayed me with a can of mace and hit me with her bag 

I could tell this just wouldn't be my day, 

What can I say 

It just wasn't turning out to be my day 

94 


And I would like to find 

The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign 

Cause I've got two black eyes and one high heel up my behind 

Now I can't sit with comfort and joy 

Boy oh boy 

No I'll never sit with comfort and joy 

Towersey Fair (trad.) 

In Oxfordshire all I strayed 

one fine morning to take the air 

Twas there I spied a pretty maiden 

and she was going to Towersey Fair. 

Ch.Hustling bustling, hurrying scurrying 

Laughing and joking and nobody worrying 

Early early in the morning 

On the way to Towersey Fair. 

Says I, Fair maid, where do you wander, 

O'er the fields and meadows gay? 

Says she, Kind sir, it's over yonder, 

To Towersey Fair I'm making me way. 

Her eyes they shone like diamonds bright 

and long and golden was her hair 

Her feet were nimble her step was light 

as we went on to Towersey Fair 

All on that merry May morning 

We stopped a while to sport and play 

Now this pretty maid’s gotten a ring 

And it’s time to name the wedding day. 

Repeat verse one.

Tragic Moments 

(lyrics by ed, tune: Magic Moments) 

The Trunch Wassail Song 

(Kipper Family) 

Here we come a wassailing all among the leaves 

That isn`t very easy when they`re still all on the trees 

Wassail, wassail, we`ll tell you wassail 

It comes in bottles brown and pale 

Comes in bottles so bring some here 

And we`ll have a happy new year 

Let us now be thankful that the old year has departed 

But there`s no time for feast before another one has started 

Now the year has past away cast away your sins 

There`s lots of loverly new ones as the new year it begins 

Pouring cider on the apple tree seems rather wrong 

We`ll drink it first and then we`ll water the trees before too long 

Bring food from off your table and from out of your barrel 

For if you don`t we`ll stop and sing another Christmas carol 

To be sung as a duet, by partners of a `devoted 

couple` -ie devoted to each other`s ruin- each with a 

secret bag full of knives, poisons, knuckledusters, 

hammers, dynamite etc to be rummaged through 

during whistling interludes 

Tragic moments, Memories we've been sharing 

Tragic moments, I find you quite wearing. 

I'll never forget the moment we met, 

the night we had frostbite 

The way that we hugged cos we were both stuck 

and frozen the whole night. 


Tragic moments, When four eyes are glaring. 

Time can't erase the memory of, 

these tragic moments filled with love. 

(whistling) 

The telephone call that tied up the line 

for hours meant ruin, 

The lottery call that couldn't be made 

so we lost our fortune. 


Tragic moments, At that throat I'm tearing. 

Time can't erase the memory of, 

these tragic moments filled with love. 

(whistling) 

The way that I cheered when your jet plane veered 

on making a touchdown, 

The night that you crashed on rounding that bend 

cos I took the signs down. 

Remember the day you were in a bad way 

cos you had a seizure, 

The way that I switched your life-support off, 

I thought I would tease yer 

The Halloween Hop when everyone came 

in funny disguises, 

You went as a hag, no make up at all 

and won all the prizes. 

Tragic moments, filled with love. 

Tread On The Tail Of My Coat (Sean O`Casey & Dennis 

O`Casey) 

Oh ‘twas there I learned readin' and writin', 

At Bill Bracket's where I went to school, 

And ‘twas there I learned howlin' and fightin' 

From my schoolmaster Mr. O'Toole. 

Him and me, we had many-a scrimmage, 

And the devil a copy I wrote. 

There was ne'er a garson in the village 

Dared tread on the tail of me 

Mush, Mush, Mush tural-i-addy 

Singin' Mush, Mush, Mush tural-i-ay. 

There was ne'er a garson in the village 

Dared tread on the tail of me coat. 

Oh ‘twas there I learned all of my courtin' -- 

Many lessons I took up in the art -- 

Till Cupid, the blackguard, in sportin', 

An arrow drove straight through me heart. 

Molly Connor she lived right forinst me, 

And tender lines to her I wrote. 

If you dare say one hard word against her, 

I'll tread on the tail of your 



If you dare say one hard word against her, 

I'll tread on the tail of your coat. 

But a blackguard called Mickey Maloney 

Came and stole her affections away. 

He had money and I hadn't any, 

So I sent him a challenge next day. 

That evenin' we met by the woodbine. 

The Shannon we crossed in a boat, 

And I lathered him with me shillelagh 

For he trod on the tail of me 



And I lathered him with me shillelagh 

For he trod on the tail of me coat. 

95

Twanky Dillo (trad.) 

Here's a health to the jolly blacksmith the best of all 

fellows 

He works at his anvil 

While the boy blows the bellows 

Which makes his bright hammer 

To rise and to fall 

There's the old coal, and the young coal 

And the old coal of all 

Twanky dillo, twanky dillo 

Twanky dillo, dillo, dillo, dillo 

And the roaring pair of bagpipes 

Made from the green willow 

If a gentleman comes with his horse to be shoed 

He will make no denial 

To one pint or two 









Here's a health to the pretty girl the one I love best 

She kindles her fire 

All in her own breast 






Twanky dillo, dillo, dillo, dillos 



Here's a health to our king and likewise our queen 

And to all the royal family 

Where'ere they are seen 









Green willow, Green willow 

Green willow, willow, willow, willow 

And the roaring pair of bagpipes made from the 

green willow 

Twelve Days of Christmas (trad.) 

On the first day of Christmas, 

my true love sent to me 

A partridge in a pear tree. 

On the second day of Christmas, 


Two turtle doves, 

And a partridge in a pear tree. 

On the third day of Christmas, 


Three French hens, 



On the fourth day of Christmas, 


Four calling birds, 




On the fifth day of Christmas, 


Five golden rings, 

Four calling birds, 




On the sixth day of Christmas, 


Six geese a-laying, 

Five golden rings, ..... 

On the seventh day of Christmas, 


Seven swans a-swimming, .. 

On the eighth day of Christmas, 


Eight maids a-milking..... 

On the ninth day of Christmas, 


Nine ladies dancing, .... 

On the tenth day of Christmas, 


Ten lords a-leaping... 

On the eleventh day of Christmas, 


Eleven pipers piping, ... 

On the twelfth day of Christmas, 


Twelve drummers drumming, 

96

Twice Daily (Adge Cutler) 

To the ram-do-dee, the ram-do-dah 

The ram-do-di-do-randy 

To the ri-do-dee, ri-do-dah 

Ri-do-di twice daily 

Ya-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da 

When I was a lad, I was very glad 

To go out in the daytime 

With my fork and my bottle and a cork 

Right out in the haytime 

Tossing hay one fine day 

I met young Lucy Bailey 

I said, My dear, are you often here 

She said, Yes Sir, twice daily 

We had such fun in the summer sun 

Lucy was so thrilling 

So sweet and pure but I wasn't sure 

If that girl was willing 

Until one day on the hay 

We were working gaily 

When she up's and slips, her garter ripped 

And I went there twice daily 

Lucy's dad, he was very bad 

Chased me round the hay barn 

Said my son, now you've had your fun 

The time has come to pay now 

My girl you'll wed, the old man said 

As he waved his shotgun gaily 

If you don't, he says, I'll pop the lead 

And you won't go there twice daily 

So the very next day in the month of May 

We held the ceremony 

We paid off the vicar with a gallon of liquor 

Rode to church on a pony 

And to Lucy's joy, we had a boy 

What a little darling 

He's round and fat as a Cheshire cat 

He's perky as a starling 

Now we're old, our story's told 

Of forty years together 

Now we often stray where we tossed that hay 

In that old-time summer weather 

Kids we got ten or more 

We goes on quite gaily 

Though I'm old and grey, when I get my way 

I still goes there twice daily 

Two Little Boys in Blue(Billy Connolly, tune: Two Little Boys) 

Now two little boys had two little toys 

A truncheon and a helmet blue 

And when we were wee it was plain to see 

What we would grow up to 

We would bash other weans, smash in their brains 

And and snitch on everybody too 

We didn't reform, now we're in uniform 

We're two little boys in blue 

Do you think I could leave you lying 

When I could lie my socks off too 

If somebody squawks in the witness box 

I'll cover up for you 

Tell a pack of lies, pull wool oèr their eyes 

The way the sergeant taught us to 

Before you count to three we'll be off scott free 

We're two little boys in blue 

97 

The duty sergeant said tuck the prisoners into bed 

But before you take their cocoa through 

Keep them in their cells and hit them where it tells 

But don't leave them black and blue 

You can kick them in the balls, bounce their head off the walls 

Knee them in the kidneys too 

Beat them on the thighs but don't give them black eyes 

Or you'll be prisoners too 

We take our numbers off of our kit 

So our names and our force we hide 

We`re no mugs we can act like thugs 

But we can`t be identified. 

And who are the foe if you wish to know 

Our training and skill assuming? 

We`re careful to choose who we abuse 

We target those vaguely human. 

So if you see them on the beat 

As they swagger down your street 

Here's a piece of advice for you 

Don't trust your luck turn around and 

RUN LIKE THE CLAPPERS! 

From us two little boys in blue. 

The Uffington Portable Loo 

( J.S. Harwood, tune: Home On the Range) 

Down here in the Vale, we tell many a tale, 

Of doings in days long ago, 

And to help us remember, should memory fail, 

We have all sorts of hist’ry on show. 

We’ve got the White Horse, Wayland’s Smithy, of course. 

The Ridgeway and Blowing Stone too; 

But the glory and boast, that we treasure the most, 

Is the Uffington Portable Loo! 

Chorus: 

Though it’s rusty and old, 

It was shiny I’m told, 

In the days when the White Horse was new; 

And the envy and pride of the whole countryside, 


When Julius Caesar invaded the land, 

The British for refuge did fly, 

And at the Uffington Castle they made their land stand, 

While the terrible Romans drew nigh, 

But the woad-covered men, who lived round here just then, 

Had a plan that made Caesar look blue, 

When the ramparts were stormed, they fell back and reformed, 

In the Uffington Portable Loo! 

King Alfred at Ashdown defeated the Danes, 

Their army was lost to a man; 

He won a great battle by using his brains, 

With a daring and dangerous plan, 

For just as the Saxons were starting to yield, 

And the Vikings had vic’try in view, 

They were swept from the field, by a force he’d concealed, 

In the Uffington Portable Loo!

The Uffington Portable Loo (cont.) 

Chorus: 

Though it’s rusty and old, 

It was shiny I’m told, 

In the days when the White Horse was new; 

And the envy and pride of the whole countryside, 


When Royalist and Roundhead rode over the Vale, 

And battles were fought ev’ry day; 

From Worcester’s great fight, young King Charles took his flight, 

And it’s said that he travelled this way, 

By Roundheads hard-pressed, when he wanted a rest, 

And there wasn’t an oak-tree in view, 

He just swallowed his pride, and consented to hide, 

In the Uffington Portable Loo! 

Through the Vale of White Horse, they promoted the course, 

Of the famous G.W.R., 

And the Queen and Prince Albert rode down with Brunel, 

While the people all shouted “Huzzah!” 

Prince Albert remarked to the great engineer, 

As they gazed at the beautiful view, 

Is that Swindon Town Hall? He replied, Not at all, 

It’s the Uffington Portable Loo! 

At the Great White Horse Show, you can still have a go, 

In our ancient and valuable loo, 

And next to the ‘Gents’ is a series of tents, 

Where the ladies are catered for, too. 

The ladies gave wails, when they found all the pails, 

Being taken away by a man; 

“Well, I need ‘em” says he, “’cos it’s milking time see? 

I’ll return ‘em as soon as I can!” 

Van Gogh 

Oh my name it is Van Gogh, 

Lend an ear, lend an ear. 

Oh my name it is Van Gogh, 

Lend an ear. 

My name it is Van Gogh 

And all I did was cough 

and my ear it just fell off 

Lend an ear, lend an ear. 

Oh my right ear's pale and wan 

On the floor, on the floor 

My right ear's pale and wan on the floor. 

My right ear's pale and wan 

It was 'ere but now it gone 

And its just been trodden on 

And its sore, and its sore. 

But there's no need to shout or 

for gloom or for gloom 

But there's no need to shout or for gloom. 

But there's no need to shout 

I'll take my ear 'ole out 

And I'll pass my ear about 

Round the room, round the room. 

Drinking Watneys leads to tears 

I shall teach, I shall teach 


I shall teach. 


And the falling off of ears 

And the parts that other beers 

Cannot reach, cannot reach. 

The Vicar and the Frog (Stan Crowther) 

There once was a very holy vicar 

Walking along the street one day 

When he heard a little voice coming from behind 

“Please speak to me” it seemed to say 

And when he looked around all he could see 

Was a little green frog sitting on the ground 

“Excuse frog did you speak to me, 

Was it you who spoke when I heard that sound” 

“Oh yes” said the frog “ but help me vicar 

For I’m not really a frog you see, 

I’m a choirboy really but a wicked fairy 

Cast an evil spell on me 

And the only way I can break free 

From this evil spell the little frog said 

Is for someone to come and put me in a place 

Where a holy man has laid his head. 

Well the vicar took him home and put him on a pillow 

And there they stayed till the break of day 

And the very next morn a blessed miracle, 

A blessed miracle I’m bound to say 

For there was the choirboy in bed with the vicar 

And I hope to you it all makes sense 

For there my Lords and members of the jury 

Rest the case for the defence. 

Walking Round in Womens’ Underwear 

(Bob Rivers-tune: Walking in a Winter Wonderland) 

Lacey things my wife’s missing 

Didn’t ask her permission 

I’m wearing her clothes, her silk pantyhose 

Walking round in womens’ underwear. 

In the store there’s a teddy 

Little straps hold me steady 

It holds me so tight like handcuffs at night 


1 st Refrain. 

In the office there’s my friend called Melvin 

He pretends that I am Mrs Brown 

He says are you ready, I say no man 

Just wait until our wives are out of town. 

Later on if you wanna 

We can dress like Madonna 

Put on some eyeshade and join the parade 


2 nd Refrain. 

In the meadow we can build a snowman 

Give him frilly knickers and a shawl 

The first cross-dressing snowman eunuch ever 

Cos we all know he’s got snow balls at all. 

We can’t strut we go mincing 

Passers by they are wincing 

Pants the wrong size bring tears to our eyes 


Lacey things my wife’s missing 

Didn’t ask her permission 

I’m wearing her clothes her silk pantyhose 

Walking round in womens’ underwear 


98

Waltzing Matilda (Banjo Patterson) 

Once a jolly swagman camped by a Billabong 

Under the shade of a Coolabah tree 

& he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled 

"Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?" 

Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda 

Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me? 



Down come a jumbuck to drink at the water hole 

Up jumped a swagman and grabbed him in glee 

And he sang as he stowed him away in his tucker bag 

"You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me'". 





Up rode the Squatter a riding his thoroughbred 

Up rode the Trooper - one, two, three 

"Where's that jumbuck you've got in your tucker bag?", 

"You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me". 



And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy 

boiled 


But the swagman he up and jumped in the water hole 

Drowning himself by the Coolabah tree, 

And his ghost may be heard as it sings in the Billabong, 






Wartime Medley 

Boiled Beef and Carrots, boiled beef and carrots, 

That's the stuff for yer Derby Kell 

Keeps you fit and keeps you well. 

Don't live like vegetarians on food they give to parrots. 

From noon to night blow out your kite 

On boiled beef and carrots. 

Wartime Medley (cont.) 

Kiss me good-night, Sergeant-Major, 

Tuck me in my little wooden bed. 

We all love you, Sergeant-Major, 

When we hear your bawling, "Show a leg." 

Don't forget to wake me in the morning, 

And bring me round a nice hot cup of tea 

Kiss me good-night, Sergeant-Major, 

Sergeant-Major, be a mother to me. 

Bless 'em all, bless 'em all 

The long and the short and the tall 

Bless all the sergeants and W.O. Ones 

Bless all the corp'rals and their blinking sons 

For we're saying good-bye to them all 

As back to their billets they crawl 

You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean 

So cheer up my lads Bless 'em all 

99 

Pack up all my cares and woe, here I go, singing low, 

Bye-bye Blackbird. 

Where somebody waits for me, sugar's sweet, so is she, 

Bye-bye Blackbird. 

No one here can love and understand me. 

Oh -- what hard-luck stories they all hand me. 

Make my bed and light the light 

I'll arrive late tonight, 

Blackbird, Bye-bye. 

We're going to Hang out the washing 

On the Siegfried Line 

Have you any dirty washing Mother dear 

We're going to hang out the washing 


For the washing day is here 

Whether the weather May be wet or fine, 

We will rub along Without a care, 

We're gonna Hang out the washing 


If the Siegfried Line's Still there 

There'll be bluebirds over, 

The white cliffs of Dover, 

Tomorrow, just you wait and see. 

There'll be love and laughter, 

And peace ever after, 

Tomorrow when the world is free 

The shepherd will tend his sheep, 

The valley will bloom again. 

And Jimmy will go to sleep, 

In his own little room again. 

There'll be bluebirds over, 

The white cliffs of Dover, 

Tomorrow, just you wait and see. 

There'll always be an England, 

While there's a country lane. 

Wherever there's a cottage small 

Beside a field of grain 

There'll always be an England 

While there's a busy street. 

Wherever there's a turning wheel 

A million marching feet

Wartime Medley (cont.) 

We'll meet again, don't know where, Don't know when, 

But I know we'll meet again some sunny day. 

Keep smiling through, Just like you always do, 

Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away. 

So will you please say "Hello" To the folks that I know, 

Tell them I won't be long. 

They'll be happy to know 

that as you saw me go I was singing this song. 

We'll meet again,don't know where,don't know when, 

but I know we'll meet again some sunny day. 

We're the D-Day Dodgers, 

way out in Italy Always on the vino, Always on the spree; 

Eighth Army scroungers and their tanks 

We live in Rome, among the Yanks. 

We are the D-Day Dodgers, way out in Italy 

We landed in Salerno, a holiday with pay, 

The Jerries brought the bands out to greet us on the way. 

Showed us the sights and gave us tea, 

We all sang songs, the beer was free 

To welcome D-Day Dodgers to sunny Italy. 

Naples and Casino were taken in our stride, 

We didn't go to fight there, wewent just for the ride. 

Anzio and Sangro were just names, 

We only went to look for dames 

The artful D-Day Dodgers, way out in Italy. 

Dear Lady Astor, you think you're mighty hot, 

Standing on the platform, talking tommyrot. 

You're England's sweetheart and her pride 

We think your mouth's too bleeding wide. 

We are the D-Day Dodgers, in sunny Italy. 

Look around the mountains, in the mud and rain, 

You'll find the scattered crosses, some that have no name. 

Heartbreak and toil and suffering gone, 

The boys beneath them slumber on 

They are the D-Day Dodgers who stay in Italy. 

Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile 

While you've a lucifer to light your fag; smile boys, that's the style 

What's the use of worrying? It never was worthwhile 

So... pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile. 

It's a long way to Tipperary - it's a long way to go 

It's a long way to Tipperary to the sweetest girl I know 

Goodbye Picadilly. Farewell Leicester Square 

It's a long, long way to Tipperary but my heart's right there. 

Land of Hope and Glory, Mother of the Free, 

How shall we extol thee?, who are born of thee 

Wider still and wider shall thy bounds be set; 

God, who made thee mighty, make thee mightier yet. X2 

Run rabbit - run rabbit - Run! Run! Run! 


So run rabbit - run rabbit - Run! Run! Run! 


Don't give the farmer his fun! Fun! Fun! 

He'll get by without his rabbit pie 

So run rabbit - run rabbit - Run! Run! Run! 

Underneath the lantern, by the barrack gate, 

Darling I remember the way you used to wait. 

'Twas there that you whispered tenderly, 

That you loved me, You'd always be, 

My Lili of the lamplight, My own Lili Marlene. 

Who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hitler? 

If you think we're on the run, 

We are the boys who will stop your little game. 

We are the boys who will make you think again. 

'Cus who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hitler? 

If you think old England's done? 

Mr. Brown goes off to town 

On the 8:21. 

But he comes home each evening 

And he's ready with his gun. 

So watch out Mr. Hitler 

You have met your match in us. 

If you think you can push us 

We're afraid you've missed the bus. 

so who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hitler? 

If you think old England's done, 

Hold your hand out, naughty boy. 

Hold your hand out, naughty boy. 

Last night, in the pale moonlight, 

I saw you, I saw you; 

With a nice girl in the park, 

You were strolling full of joy, 

you told me you'd never kissed a girl before! 

Hold your hand out, naughty boy 

Was It You? (Jasper Carrott) 

Was it you who did the pushing 

Put the stain upon the cushion 

Footprints on the dashboard upside down? 

And amid the fireside flickers 

Got into my daughter`s knickers 

If it was then kindly leave this town. 

Yes twas i who did the pushing 

Put the stain upon the cushion 

Footprints on the dashboard upside down? 

But eversince i had your daughter 

I’ve had trouble passing water 

So i guess we`re even all the same. 

(ed.) 

Was it you who did the pissing 

Wrote his name without permission 

On my snowy forecourt late last eve? 

If it was before the nights out 

I’m inclined to punch your lights out 

When you wake it`s better that you leave. 

Yes twas i who did the pissing 

Wrote his name without permission 

On your snowy forecourt late last eve. 

But before you start a`fighting 

`t was your daughter`s own handwriting 

See the yellow stains upon her sleeve! 

100

Watercress Girl (Harry Clifton) 

One day I took a ramble down by a running stream 

Where the water lillies gambol - it was a lovely scene 

And there I saw a maiden, a maiden from the dell: 

She was gath'ring watercresses 'twas Martha the watercress girl. 

Then her hair it hung in tresses, 

Down by the stream that's close to the mill; 

She was gath'ring watercresses, was Martha the watercress girl. 

I asked if she was lonely, she answered with a smile: 

'Kind sir, I am not lonely, for here I daily toil. 

I have to rise up early my cresses for to sell: 

My Christian name is Martha - they call me the watercress girl' 

The day is not far distant when Martha will be mine, 

And on our wedding morning it will be nice and fine. 

I'll have to rise up early and dress up like an earl, 

To go and marry Martha, the sweet little watercress girl. 

We Three Kings (alt. by ed) 

We Three Kings of Orient are 

Tried to light a Russian Cigar 


(fingers to ears, make vocal explosion) 

Here I come yonder star. Oh 

Molotov cocktails, mince spies laced 

Poisons that can never be traced. 

Stop accepting gifts for free. 

It might be from the KGB. 

We two Kings of Orient are 

Tried to light a Russian Cigar 


(fingers to ears, make vocal explosion) 

Here I come yonder star. Oh 

Me one King of Orient is 

Felt a trickle it must have been (excitement) 

Cigar was loaded, it exploded 

(fingers to ears, make vocal exlosion) 

Here I come yonder star. 

Silent Night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright 

Round yon virgin, mother and child 

Holy Infant so tender and mild. 

Sleep in heavenly peace. 

Sleep in heavenly peace. (fingers…….) 

We Will Rob You (kipper, tune: Rocking Carol) 

All you gheezers sweetly sleep, do not stir 

We will nick your coat of fur 

We will rob you, rob you, rob you x 2 

You hang stockings in your beds 

We wear them upon our heads. 

Christmas is a time to give, and to take 

So poor losers don’t you wake 

We will rob you……….. 

Charity begins at home that’s right 

We have chosen yours tonight. 

You may toss and turn all night, for we know 

Rich folk can’t to heaven go 

We will robyou………. 

Now you can sleep sweet cos you’re 

Not that wealthy anymore. 

This time last year we was caught, we was nicked 

I got 9 months he got six 

We will rob you…….. 

That’s the reason why we fear 

We can come but once a year. 

We`ll Keep a Welcome In the Hillside 

(Lyn Joshua and James Harper) 

Far away a voice is calling, 

Bells of memory chime 

Come home again, come home again, 

They call through the oceans of time. 

Well keep a welcome in the hillside. 

Well keep a welcome in the Glen. 

This land you knew will still be singing 

When you come home sweet home again. 

There'll be a friendly voice to guide you 

On your return we'll always pray. 

We'll kiss away each hour of longing 

When you come home again to someday. 

Well keep a welcome in the hillside. 

Well keep a welcome in the Vale 

This land you knew will still be singing 

When you come home again to Wales. 

This land of song will keep a welcome 

And with a love that never fails, 

Well kiss away each hour of hiraeth 

When you come home again to Wales. 

The Wedding Song / Come Write Me Down (trad.) 

Come write me down, ye powers above 

The man that first created love, 

For I've a diamond in my eye 

Wherein all my joys and comforts lie, 

Wherein all my joys and comforts lie. 

I will give you gold, I will give you pearl 

Iif you can fancy me, dear girl, 

Rich costly robes that you shall wear 

If you can fancy me, my dear, 

If you can fancy me, my dear. 

It's not your gold shall me entice 

To leave off pleasures to be a wife 

For I don't mean or intend at all 

To be at any young man's call, 

To be at any young man's call. 

Then go your way you scornful dame 

Since you've proved false I'll prove the same 

For I don't care but I shall find 

Some other fair maid to my mind, 

Some other fair maid to my mind. 

Oh, stay young man don't be in haste 

You seem afraid your time will waste 

Let reason rule your roving mind 

And unto you I will prove kind, 

And unto you I will prove kind. 

So to Church they went that very next day 

And were married by asking, as I've heard say, 

So now that girl she is his wife 

She will prove his comforts day and night, 

She will prove his comforts day and night. 

So now his trouble and sorrow is past 

His joy and comfort has come at last 

That girl to him always said, Nay, 

She will prove his comforts night and day, 

She will prove his comforts night and day. 

101

The Welly Boot Song (lyrics-McEwen, tune The Work of the 

Weavers) 

Wellies they are wonderful, oh wellies they are swell, 

Cause they keep oot the water, an' they keep in the smell, 

An' when yer sittin in a room, you can always tell, 

When some bugger takes his feet oot wellies. 

If it wasna for your wellies where would you be? 

You'd be in the hospital or infirmary, 

Cause you would have a dose of the flu or even pluracy, 

If you didna have your feet in your wellies! 

But when yer oot walking, in the country with a bird 

Yer strolling over meadows just like a fairmer's herd. 

Someone shouts, “Don`t Step In It!”, you think that that`s absurd 

And, squelch, you see why fairmers all wear wellies. 

There's fishermen and firemen, there's farmers an all, 

Men oot digging ditches an' working in the snaw; 

This country it would grind tae a halt & no' a thing would graw 

If it wasna for the workers in their wellies. 

Now corrupt MP`s to rule they just ain`t fit 

They're ruining this country, mair than just a bit, 

If they keep on the way they are goin', we'll all be in the sh.., 

So you'd be'er ge(t) your feet in your wellies. 

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling (trad) 

When Irish eyes are smiling, 

Sure, 'tis like the morn in Spring. 

In the lilt of Irish laughter 

You can hear the angels sing. 

When Irish hearts are happy, 

All the world seems bright and gay. 

And when Irish eyes are smiling, 

Sure, they steal your heart away 

When This Morris Dance Is Over 

When this Morris dance is over 

Oh How happy I will be 

When I get my "civvy" clothes on 

No more Morrising for me 

No more broken little fingers 

No more bollickings from the squire 

I'll hang up my snow white snotters 

Take my bells off and retire 

I will stand upon the sidelines 

Criticize the lack of fire 

Scoffing at the sides backstepping 

Saying" In my day we jumped Higher" 

I will argue with the foreman 

And I know it will be Bliss 

Tell the Squire to Foxtrot Oscar 

And in General take the P**s 

When they dance in freezing car parks 

I'll be inside warm and dry 

In the pub with all the ladies 

Chatting barmaids on the sly 

No more questions" which ones Morris?" 

No more "please do "Shepherds hay" 

I will sit inside a boozing 

Watching hankies wave away. 

When this morris dance is over, 

No more morrising for me, 

When I get these bl@@dy bells off, 

Oh, how happy I shall be" 

When Father Papered the Parlour 

(lyrics Robert Patrick Weston Melody: Fred J. Barnes 

1910) 

Our parlour wanted papering, 

And Pa says it was waste 

To call a paperhanger in, 

And so he made some paste. 

He bought some rolls of paper, 

Got a ladder and a brush 

And with my mummy's nightgown on, 

At it he made a rush. 

When Father papered the parlour 

You couldn't see him for paste 

Dabbing it here! dabbing it there! 

Paste and paper everywhere 

Mother was stuck to the ceiling 

The children stuck to the floor 

I never knew a blooming family 

So 'stuck up' before. 

The pattern was 'blue roses' 

with its leaves red, white, and brown; 

He'd stuck it wrong way up and now, 

we all walk upside down. 

And when he trimm'd the edging 

off the paper with the shears, 

The cat got underneath it, 

and dad cut off both its ears. 

Soon dad fell down the stairs 

and dropp'd his paperhanger's can 

On little Henrietta sitting there 

with her young man, 

The paste stuck them together, 

as we thought t'would be for life, 

We had to fetch the parson in 

to make them man and wife. 

We're never going to move away 

from that house any more 

For Father's gone and stuck the chairs 

and table to the floor, 

We can't find our piano, 

though it's broad and rather tall, 

We think that it's behind the paper 

Pa stuck on the wall. 

When This Lousy War Is Over (ad.Joseph Scrivens) 

When this lousy war is over 

No more soldiering for me 

When I get my civvy clothes on 

Oh how happy I will be 

No more Church parades on Sunday 

No more putting in for leave 

How I'll miss the sergeant major 

How his poor old heart will grieve 





No more standing to attention 

No more asking for a weekend pass 

You can tell the sergeant major 

Where to stuff his bleeding pass 





No more putting in for furlough 

Only one more church parade 

No more piddling in a slit trench 

No more Ticklers' marmalade 

102

Where Be It Blackbird To / Blackbird 

(Wurzels) 

Where be it blackbird to? 

i know where he be, 

he be up yon wurzel tree, 

and i be after he! 

now i sees he, and he sees i, 

bugger'd if i don't get 'en 

wit a girt big stick i'll knock 'im down 

blackbird, i'll 'ave thee! 

la la la la la la 

la la la la la la 

'ow's 'e fadder? 

(audience answer) allright! 

All me life i'm on the farm, 

workin' for me keep 

tendin' pigs and chickens, 

and they cows and sheep 

and then while i'm workin', 

there's one who always mocks me 

he sittin up 'dere in the trees, 

blackbird i'll 'ave thee! 

Underneath the open sky 

in spring we loves to dine. 

we likes to 'ear the flappin' 

of the missus' washin' line 

we listens to a tuneful song, 

a blackbird or a tit, 

but on me vest and underpants 

he scored a direct hit! 

If i goes out poachin', 

a creepin' through the fields, 

with me old retriever, 

a followin' at me heels. 

if i aim me shotgun at a pheasant in the hay 

that bloody blackbird starts his row 

and frightens him away! 

No longer can i sleep at night, 

get peace of any kind, 

that bird'll be the death of me, 

he's prayin' on me mind! 

if i chase him long enough, 

i'll get 'en by and by, 

and celebrate me vict'ry 

wit a girt big blackbird pie 

Where Will We Be In A Hundred Years From Now? 

Have you ever thought as the hearse goes by 

That one of these days you’re going to die? 

oo-oo-oo-oo 

where will we be in a hundred years from now? 

103 

They put you in a wooden box & bury you six feet beneath the rocks 

The worms crawl in and the worms crawl out 

They crawl in thin and they crawl out stout 

oo…. 

Your eyes fall in and your teeth fall out 

Your brain comes trickling down your snout 

oo…. 

Have you ever thought as the hearse goes by 

That one of these days you’re going to die? 

oo-oo-oo-oo 

where will we be in a hundred years from now? 

Whisky in the Jar (trad.) 

I As I was going over Kilgary Mountain 

I met with Captain Farrell and his money he was counting. 

First I drew my pistol, and then I drew my sabre, saying 

"Stand and deliver, for I am your bold deceiver. 

Wi' my ring-um do-rum day, Whack for the daddy-o, 

Whack for my daddy-o, There's whiskey in the jar. 

He counted out his money and it made a pretty penny, 

I loaded up and took it home and gave it to my Jenny. 

She swore that she loved me, that she never would deceive me, 

But the devil's in the women and they always lie so ecsy. 

I woke next morning early, 'tween the hours of six and seven, 

& the guards were standing round the bed in numbers odd & even. 

I flew to my pistols but alas I was mistaken, 

For Jenny'd wet the powder and a prisoner I was taken. 

They threw me into Sligo jail with neither judge nor writing, 

For robbing Captain Farrell as he crossed Kilgctry Mountain, 

But they didn't take my fists and so I knocked the jailer down 

And bid a distant farewell to the judge in Sligo Town. 

Whip Jamboree (trad.) 

And now my lads be of good cheer 

For the Irish land will soon draw near 

In a few days more we’ll sight Cape Clear 

O Jenny get your oat cake done 

Whip Jamboree, Whip Jamboree 

O you pig tailed sailor 

Hanging down behind 

Whip Jamboree, Whip Jamboree 

O Jenny get your oat cake done. 

And now Cape Clear it is in sight 

We’ll be off Holyhead by tomorrow night 

And we’ll shape our course for the old Rock Light. 

And now my lads we’re round the rock 

All hammocks lashed and chests all locked 

We’ll haul her into Waterloo Dock.

White Christmas (Irving Berlin) 

I'm dreaming of a white christmas, 

just like the ones I used to know 

Where the treetops glisten and children listen 

to hear sleigh bells in the snow 



Where the treetops glisten and children listen 

to hear sleigh bells in the snow 


with every christmas card I write 

May your days be merry and bright, 

and may all your christmases be white 






with every christmas card I write 





And may all your christmases be white 

(All your christmases be white) 

And may all your christmases be white 


And may all your christmases be 



Who’s The Fool Now? (trad.) 

Martin said to his man, fie, man, fie 

Martin said to his man, who's the fool now? 

Martin said to his man 

Fill thou the cup and I the can 

Thou hast well drunken man, 

Who's the fool now? 

I saw the man in the moon, fie, man, fie 

I saw the man in the moon, who's the fool now? 

I saw the man in the moon 

Clouting of St Peter's shoon 

Thou hast well drunken man, 

Who's the fool now? 

I saw a hare chase a hound 

Twenty miles above the ground 

I saw a goose ring a hog 

And a snail bite a dog 

I saw a mouse catch a cat 

And a cheese eat a rat 

I saw a flea eat a tree 

Twenty miles out to sea 

I saw a maid milk a bull 

Every stroke a bucket full 

I saw the bag buy a round 

Saw the squire turn it down 

Who`ll Be a Soldier? (trad.) 

A bold fusilier came marching back through Rochester 

Off from the wars in the north country, 

And he sang as he marched 

Through the crowded streets of Rochester, 

``Who'll be a soldier for Marlboro and me?'' 

Who'll be a soldier? Who'll be a soldier? 

Who'll be a soldier for Marlboro and me? 

And he sang as he marched 



The Queen, she has ordered new troops onto the continent 

To strike a last blow at the enemy. 

And if you would be a soldier 

All in a scarlet uniform 

Take the King's shilling for Marlboro and me. 

Take the King's shilling. Take the King's shilling. 


And if you would be a soldier 

All in a scarlet uniform 


``Not I,'' said the butcher, ``Nor I,'' said the baker. 

Most of the rest with them did agree. 

To be paid with the powder and 

The rattle of the cannonball 

Wages for soldiers for Marlboro and me. 

Wages for soldiers, wages for soldiers, 


To be paid with the powder and 

The rattle of the cannonball 


``Now I,'' said the young man, ``have oft endured the parish queue. 

There is no wages or employment for me. 

Salvation or danger, 

That'll be my destiny. 

To be a soldier for Marlboro and me.'' 

To be a soldier, to be a soldier, 

To be a soldier for Marlboro and me. 

Salvation or danger, 

That'll be my destiny. 

To be a soldier for Marlboro and me. 

Now twenty new recruits came marching back through Rochester 

Off to the wars in the north country. 

And they sang as they marched 



Who'll be a soldier, who'll be a soldier, 

Who'll be a soldier for Marlboro and me? 

And they sang as they marched 


``Who'll be a soldier for Marlboro and me. 

104

Wild Colonial Boy (trad.) 

There was a wild colonial boy, Jack Donald was his name; 

He had poor but honest parents, brought up in Calais, Maine; 

He was his father's only hope and his mother's only joy; 

The pride of all the family was that wild colonial boy. 

At the early age of sixteen he began his wilsd career, 

With a heart that knew no danger and a stranger to all fear; 

He robbed the mail at Beachforth and he robbed judge Maxwell's boy, 

With a trembling hand gave o'er his gold to that wild colonial boy. 

As Jack rode out with his comrades as they climbed the Mountain 

high, 

"Together we will fight, my boys, and together we will die." 

They robbed those wealthy squires and their flocks they did destroy, 

And a terror to all nations was that wild colonial boy. 

As Jack rode out one morning, as he gaily rode along, 

A-listening to the mocking bird with a gay and gallant song, 

Three mounted troopers came riding up, Swerly, Davis and Fitztroy; 

They all rode out to capture that wild colonial boy. 

"Surrender now, Jack Donald, you outlaw, plundering son, 

Surrender in the Queen's name, don't you see we're three to one" 

Jack, pulling out a revolver, a tiny little toy, 

"I'll fight, but I won't surrender," cried that wild colonial boy. 

He whirled [the] Swerly trooper, he brought him to the ground, 

Then turned and fired at Davis, gave him his mortal wound; 

His face was covered with bloody foam while fighting with Fitztroy;; 

There he was killed and captured, that wild colonial boy. 

Wild Rover (trad. option: Banana Boat Song version) 

I’ve been a wild rover for many’s the year 

( Daylight cum & I wanna go home) 

And I’ve spent all me money on whisky and beer 

But now I’m returning with gold in great store 

And I never will play the wild rover no more. 

With a no nay never, no nay never no more, 

Will I play the wild rover no never no more 

I went to an alehouse I used to frequent 

And I told the landlady my money was spent 

I asked her for credit she answered me Nay 

Saying custom like yours I can have any day. 

I put my hands in my pockets & pulled out sovereigns bright 

And the landlady’s eyes opened wide with delight 

She said I have whiskeys and wines of the best 

And the words that I told you were only in jest. 

I’ll go home to my parents confess what I’ve done 

And ask them to pardon their prodigal son 

And when they’ve caressed me as oft times before 

And I never will play the Wild Rover no more. 

Wild Mountain Thyme (trad.) 

Oh the Summer time is coming 

And the trees are sweetly blooming 

And the wild mountain thyme 

All around the blooming heather 

Will ye go lassie go........ 

And we'll all go together 

To pull wild mountain thyme 

From around the blooming heather 

Will ye go lassie go 

Will build my love a bower 

Near yon pure crystal fountain 

And on it I will pile 

All the flowers of the mountain 

If my true love she were gone 

I will surely find no other 

Where wild mountain thyme 

All around the blooming heather 

105 

Wild Mounting Time (Kipper Family, tune: song above) 

Oh the Springtime it is coming 

And the girls are all a dither 

Tis the Wild Mounting Time 

And I am wond’ring whether. 

Do you go lassie go 

And we’ll both go together 

At the Wild Mounting Time 

Or will I get Blooming Heather 

Do you go lassie go, lassie go. 

My love is like a swan 

With the lightness of a feather 

But her friend is like a goose 

And they call her Blooming Heather. 

I will build my love a mower 

And cut down that Blooming Heather 

Then at the Wild Mounting Time 

My love will be mine forever. 

If my true love she won’t go 

Then I surely will not bother 

For at the Wild Mounting Time 

I could even fancy Heather. 

Whoopy I Ay (tune: Ghost Riders in the Sky) 

My name is Whoop and I am tough as every man will know 

I fight with bright red trousers on so bloodstains do not show 

But if the odds are stacked against me with a lot of men in town 

I change my bright red trousers into khaki brown. 

Whoopy I ay,whoopy I oo 

Ghostwriters in the sky. 

Felix was a mighty cat he was useful with a gun 

When outlaws dared to mix with him he usually made ‘em run 

But then one fight they made him limp, his foot was awful sore 

He shouted out I’ll get you boys you’ve been and shot my paw. 

I’ve rided lots of horses since I was just a kid 

The first one was a Shetland he cost me twenty quid 

He couldn’t neigh or make a noise, my wife was very coarse 

The Shetland I had been on boys was a little horse. 

I bought myself brown paper hat, brown paper waistcoat too 

Brown paper pants, brown paper socks 

And a pair of brown paper shoes. 

Cos work is very hard to get and the money you get is thin 

I put my paper clothing on and go a rustling.

William Brown/ Keep That Wheel a Turning (Arthur Hagg) 

Keep that wheel a-turnin', keep that wheel a-turnin' 

Keep that wheel a-turnin', & do a little more each day. 

A nice young man was William Brown, 

He works for wage in London town. 

Worked from dawn to late at night, 

Turnin' a wheel from left to right. 

Well, the boss one day to William came 

And he said," Look here, young...what's your name? 

We're not content with what you do 

So work a little harder or out you go. 

So William turned, and he made her run 

Three times in the place of one. 

He turned so hard he soon was made 

Lord High Turner of his trade. 

Well the nation heard of the wondrous tale 

The news appeared in the Sketch and the Mail 

Railways ran excursion stops 

All to look at William Brown. (or William's shop.) 

William turned with the same sweet smile. 

The goods he made grew such a pile, 

They filled the room and the room next door 

And overflowed to the basement floor. 

But sad the sequel is to tell, 

He turned out more than the boss could sell. 

The market slumped and the price went down, 

And in seven days they sacked young Brown 

Yogi (tune: Camptown Races) 

I know a bear that you don’t know Yogi, Yogi 

I know a bear that you don’t know Yogi, Yogi Bear. 

Yogi Yogi Bear Yogi Yogi Bear 

I know a bear that you don’t know Yogi, Yogi Bear. 

Yogi’s got a little friend Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo, 

Yogi’s got a little friend Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo Bear…. 

Boo-Boo likes it upside down, Koala, Koala, 

Boo-Boo likes it upside down, Koala, Koala Bear. 

Yogi’s willy’s long and green, cucum, cucum, 

Yogi’s willy’s long and green, cucum, cucumber. 

Yogi likes it in the snow, Polar, Polar, 

Yogi likes it in the snow, Polar, Polar Bear. 

Yogi likes it from behind, Brown Bear, Brown Bear, 

Yogi likes it from behind, Brown Bear, Brown Bear. 

Woad [To the tune of Men of Harlech] 

What's the use of wearing braces 

Hats and spats and shoes with laces 

Vests and coats you buy in places 

Down on Brompton Road 

What's the use of shirts of cotton 

Studs that always get forgotten 

Such affairs are simply rotten 

Better far is Woad 

Woad's the stuff to show men 

Woad to scare your foemen 

Boil it to a brilliant blue 

And rub it on your legs and your abdomen 

Ancient Britons never hit on 

Anything as good as Woad to fit on 

Neck and knees and where you sit on 

Tailors, you be blowed 

Romans came across the channel 

All dressed up in tin and flannel 

Half a pint of Woad per man'll 

Clothe us more than these 

Saxons, ye may save your stitches 

Building beds for bugs in britches 

We have Woad to clothe us, which is 

Not a nest for fleas 

Romans, save your armor 

Saxons, your pajamas 

Hairy coats were made for goats 

Gorillas, yaks, retriever dogs, and llamas 

So march on Snowdon with your Woad on 

Never mind if you get rained or snowed on 

Never need a button sewed on 

Woad for us today 

Yellow Submarine (Lennon/McCarthy) 

In the town where I was born lived a man who sailed to sea, 

And he told us of his life, n the land of submarines, 

So we sailed up to the sun, till we found a sea of green, 

And we lived beneath the waves, in our yellow submarine, 

We all live in a yellow submarine, 

a Yellow submarine, yellow submarine x2 

And our friends are all aboard, Many more of them live next 

door. 

And the band begins to play.(Trumpets play) 

As we live a life of ease. Everyone of us has all we need (has all 

we need) 

Sky of blue (sky of blue) and sea of green (sea of green) 

In our yellow (in our 

yellow) submarine (submarine. Blaha) 

106

An Apres Morris Song Archive - The Morris Ring

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