*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
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About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
For the baby who has everything
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”